Chapter 1, Introduction

by Brian G. Daigle

Parenting is no new occupation. There is no parent who can say they are on uncharted territory or untrodden ground. From the tragic to the tremendous, every moment of parenting has been experienced before, perhaps being experienced by another parent across the world or across the street, at the very moment we are experiencing it. Parenting is indeed a very old vocation, and so if we are to get it right, we had better learn from those who have gone before us.

Still, parenting, however old, is never stale, because it is we who experience it anew each day, and it is being experienced now, at this time, and with this child. Not only does the personal aspect of parenting make it unique, so does the temporal aspect of it, that it always happens in time and space, with a unique set of characters, plot points, settings, themes, and backdrops. So while parenting is nothing new, parenting in a certain era (or in a certain time and space) requires special attention, special consideration. Of ages and their uniqueness, C.S. Lewis states, “Every age has its own outlook. It is specially good at seeing certain truths and specially liable to make certain mistakes. We all, therefore, need the books that will correct the characteristic mistakes of our own period. And that means the old books.”

Because every age has its unique characteristics, even its blinders, we then ought to be diligent about not just learning the age-old issues and principles in parenting but how those acquired principles may be applied today, in the here and now. That is the purpose of this series: to consider aged wisdom and how it applies to our parenting today, within the more specific attributes of the 21^st century, the more specific soil with which we and our children are surrounded. Chesterton said that the modern world is full of the old virtues gone mad. This is quite true:

“The modern world is not evil; in some ways the modern world is far too good. It is full of wild and wasted virtues. When a religious scheme is shattered…it is not merely the vices that are let loose. The vices are, indeed, let loose, and they wander and do damage. But the virtues are let loose also; and the virtues wander more wildly, and the virtues do more terrible damage. The modern world is full of the old Christian virtues gone mad. The virtues have gone mad because they have been isolated from each other and are wandering alone. Thus some scientists care for truth; and their truth is pitiless. Thus some humanitarians only care for pity; and their pity (I am sorry to say) is often untruthful.” (Orthodoxy)

In this series, we want to recover those old Christian virtues and make them sane, able to stand up straight and wisely discern the pitiful aim of contemporary culture as it drunkenly wobbles down the darkened pathway toward the forbidden city.  

This series is not meant to be an academic, heady series. While there will be a healthy dose of deep ideas and rich vocabulary, this series is a mid-brow kind of series. It is meant to stretch mothers and fathers to consider anew the work set before them, to consider more deeply the seeds in their hands and the field at their feet. If this series has any lasting academic value, it is my hope that academic men and women will be more grounded (seeing that intellectual prowess is nothing without love toward one’s neighbor) and those who are well-grounded will lift their eyes higher to the heaven of ideas (seeing that our deeds ought to be the fruit of sound thinking.)

Growing up I didn’t like studying, and I didn’t enjoy reading. I didn’t care much for words until late into my undergraduate studies when I began to consider the weight of our words. From there, I have come to realize that words not only have weight, they have a kind of metaphysical hue, an insensible stench, an atmospheric quality about them. Studying words has made my world come alive. Each word I look into—considering its denotation (dictionary meaning), connotation (contextual meaning), and etymology (its origin and parts)—is like a door through which I step, if even for a moment. There have been word-portals so large for me that I find myself walking into that world often, even passing the threshold and looking back at the world where I live. The word education has been that way for me. So has the word propriety and logic and poetry. The word parent has also been one of those elephant-door sized words for me. 

The word parent comes from the Latin word parere, which means to prepare. When I share this with my students or a room of adults, I always ask, “Now that we know this meaning, what question does it beg us to ask next?” It begs the questions “Prepare what? Prepare how? Prepare for what?” There is the heart of the parent’s work: to be purposeful preparers, intentional laborers, to consider what they are preparing, how they are to prepare it, and what the preparation is for. If my child were a tool, how would I fashion that tool? With what methods? Out of what materials? For what purpose? If my child were a work of art, what kind of artist should I become? If my child were a war tactic, what kind of war strategist or general should I be? If my child were a speech, what kind of rhetorician am I? The concept inherent in the word prepare is something akin to being a craftsman. Sloppy craftsmen are revealed by their work; the same is true of sloppy parents. Great craftsmen are also revealed by their work; the same is true of great parents. Alexander the Great once remarked that Phillip II gave him life but Aristotle (his hired tutor and that famous Athenian philosopher) taught him to live. Who then was Alexander the Great’s parent?  

But our work is far more than that of a craftsman, for we are fashioning an eternal soul, made in the image of the one True God, given to us by divine providence to steward in this life, to prepare them both for this life and the life to come. How much more should we then seek to be excellent parent-craftsmen, skilled in the trade, in partnership with other master-craftsmen, in submission to our Triune God, taking care of and sharpening our tools, discussing the trade, identifying frauds, and ensuring that thieves and robbers do not break in and sabotage our work?

This series is about sharpening our tools. It is about providing anvils. It is about untying our proverbial tongues so that our children are a sweet sound to society, a pleasant aroma, like the scent offering, wafting heavenward to the nostrils of our God. This series takes its name from a passage by Seneca:

“The period of education calls for the greatest, and what will also prove to be the  most profitable, attention; for it is easy to train the mind while it is still tender, but it is a difficult matter to curb the vices that have grown up with us…It will be the utmost profit, I say, to give children sound training from the very beginning; guidance, however, is difficult, because we ought to take the pains neither to develop in them anger nor to blunt their native spirit. The matter requires careful watching; for both qualities—that which should be encouraged and that which should be checked—are fed by like things, and like things easily deceive even a close observer. By freedom their spirit grows, by servitude it is crushed; if it is commended and is led to expect good things of itself, it mounts up, but these same measures breed insolence and temper; therefore we must guide the children between the two extremes, using now the curb, then the spur.” (Lucius Annaeus Seneca “On Anger” page 92-93 in Gamble’s The Great Tradition)

Parents at all times have at their disposal curbs and spurs to train our children in the way they should go or not go. Likewise, parents are to place upon themselves the right curbs and spurs which guide them in their parenting. The curb and spur of which Seneca speaks applies to adults, especially parents and educators, as much as they apply to children. Those who have a philosophy of education, a philosophy of training the youth and passing on values from one generation to another, have a great responsibility to be checked in some areas and encouraged in others. This is the nature of the broken human condition: some things must be crushed while others are constructed; some condemned, others commended. That is the goal of this series, which will present its ideas through sequential installments.

Each installment, or chapter, will take an idea we as 21^st century parents hear often (e.g. identity, freedom, restraint, diversity), ideas which often quietly shape our parenting, which often quickly and subtly shape our educational and familial choices, and we will examine that idea under the light of Scripture. We will soak it in sound thinking; we will age it in barrels of Old World wisdom. And we will ask how it is we live as faithful witness of Christ at this time and with this blessed responsibility. At the end of each chapter will be a brief section titled “How Should We Then Parent?” It will offer more practical advice for applying the principles presented in the chapter.

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We had 21 souls in our home for dinner last night! It’s a common practice in our household. But we didn’t just wake up one morning and for the first time decided to invite all those fine people for a meal. Over the years my wife and I have surrounded ourselves with people who are seasoned at hospitality. They invited us over when we were young in our married life, when we only had one child and they continue to do it as our family has increased in numbers. They have refreshed my family and me. Let’s face it: hosting a family of seven is not for wimps! But yet, they have gone out of their way to make us feel comfortable and satisfied.

It is hard to express the level of gratitude I have for the hundreds of meals prepared out of love and devotion. In turn, we have worked hard at imitating those who practice hospitality so generously. Yet, I am grieved by how the apostles’ imperatives (Heb. 13:2; I Pet. 4:9) are so often overlooked in the evangelical community. It’s often that I hear visitors to our congregation and outside our community state with some level of sadness, that they have never or rarely been invited by a Christian to someone’s home for a simple meal. Yes, they have probably experienced what we call in the South, “Potluck meals,” but that is different from the experience of particularized hospitality the Bible has in mind.

The Church and the individual family miss a genuine opportunity to serve one another, to hear each others’ stories, and give out of the abundance given to us in Christ Jesus. Indeed, hospitality is the overflow of God’s love for us. We host because God has hosted us in his house (Ps. 23). I love the way Lauren Winner describes this in her book, Mudhouse Sabbath:

“We are not meant simply to invite people into our homes, but also to invite them into our lives. Having guests and visitors, if we do it right, is not an imposition, because we are not meant to rearrange our lives for our guests – we are meant to invite our guests to enter into our lives as they are.”

What I wish to do in this short series is to encourage you to see how practical and pleasing it is to do hospitality. It doesn’t demand the most expensive wine bottle nor does it demand the most extroverted host, it only demands a willing heart to see the Gospel made known in the midst of unfolded laundry and wildly active children.

Who can host? The family of seven, the newly-wed couple, the single young man, and anyone who can spare some change for a noble cause. For many of you who have never practiced this Christian gift, you can begin small and inexpensively, but what you can’t do is leave it up for the right opportunity. The right opportunity comes when you make it. Begin small and you will see the joy and celebration that overtakes a house that is known for her hospitality.

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Introduction, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

It’s time to say good-bye to our short series on children in worship. Some of you have raised important questions, but at the end, the majority of them stemmed from a deep concern about practical issues, rather than particular biblical interpretation. These are always legitimate unless one is stuck on the exceptions rather than the ordinary and objective imperatives of the Bible.

Having worked on some of the rationale from the Scriptures, it’s time to offer some practical wisdom for those who are open to the practice of keeping children in worship from the beginning to the end. The following is an insert we offer our congregation. I will place a link in the comment section of the document in case you wish to print it.

Children in the Worship Service

You shall rejoice before the Lord your God, you and your son and your daughter, your male servant and your female servant, the Levite who is within your gates, the stranger and the fatherless and the widow who are among you, at the place where the Lord your God chooses to make His name abide. (Deuteronomy 16:11-12)

But Jesus called them to Him and said, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is
the kingdom of God.” (Luke 18:16-17)

One of the greatest joys for Christians is to come into the presence of God for worship together as families. As members of God’s covenant household, our children are both commanded and permitted to participate in worship with the community of the redeemed. Worship is not something that comes naturally, which means we must work hard to learn it well. Training our children to worship the Lord is one of the responsibilities of parents. We offer this as an aid to parents as they help their little ones under their charge to come into the presence of God with joy and celebration of His grace in their lives.

We need to be patient with one another, understanding that the children are learning to participate with us in worship. We need to be willing to allow for a certain amount of noise and distraction when children are present. Parents are often aware when their little ones are being too loud or making it difficult for those around them to worship. Use your good judgment and if necessary, you may want to take the child out of the service for a time, but please bring him/her back in after they calm down. Worship offers us various opportunities to learn and train one another in virtuous habits, and the process is never simple, but we are beneficiaries of the blessings of perseverance.

Prepare Your Child for Worship

~ Try to come to worship with a relaxed and joyful attitude. Your children reflect the attitude that you have as you come to worship. Avoid being rushed and tense before church. Take time on Saturday to prepare for the Lord’s Day, so that you can worship without undue care and concern.

~ Help your children to think about their lives throughout the week. They should be taught to come to worship thankful for God’s blessings and eager to confess their sins and receive assurance of forgiveness from Him.

~ Teach and practice regular elements of the service such as the hymns/psalms, the Lord’s Prayer, the Nicene Creed, and the Gloria Patri at home together. Children love to participate in worship, especially in those parts they know and understand.

~ Allow time for your children to use the bathroom and get a drink before the worship service begins.

~ Help them to get a copy of the order of worship and to understand how to use it. Explain how they can be actively participating in worship.

~ Positively reinforce behavior by your attention to your child. If you have lots of little ones, you may want to have single adults or older teenagers sit with you to help. This will emphasize that all believers are in the Lord’s family.

Help Your Child During Worship

~ Encourage your child to participate with the congregation in standing, sitting, reading, praying, and confessing and responding appropriately to hymns and Scriptural readings.

~ Encourage your children to be attentive to certain elements in the sermon. Begin habits of conversation about the sermon on your way back home and make it a regular topic of discussion at the dinner table.

~ Help your child to participate by making sure he has his own offering, no matter how small. This helps him understand that he must give not only his tithes and offerings to the Lord but also himself.

~ During the Lord’s Supper, help your children joyfully participate in the passing of the peace and remind them of the promises Jesus makes to the little children, for unto such belong the kingdom of heaven.

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Introduction, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

We love our children! We love being with them when they wake up and we love their snuggles at night before bed. There are so many magical moments of parenting. But let the parent who speaks always smilingly of parenting throw the first stone! Don’t tell me you don’t long for that bed time with fierce determination; don’t tell me you don’t long for some precious time with your spouse!? Don’ tell me you don’t long for conversations with big people for a change?

We shouldn’t feel guilty about this…no, not once. We pour our hearts into our little ones, but if sleep cycles didn’t exist, none of us would be a parent for longer than a week. In much of our conversation about parenting, we tend to fall into pious overload-mode and treat parenting as if it were so easy that anyone could do it well with a little prep time and a few tips from our favorite parenting guru. But anyone putting on their reality glasses understands that parenting is much more complicated, and that we need additional times when life isn’t a liturgy of diapers and breaking up squabbles and cleaning mushed green beans from the floor.

I have thus far encouraged parents to keep their squiggly bundle of energy with them during the entire service. Aren’t I asking for a little too much? Shouldn’t I be content with simply allowing parents to enjoy a precious 75-90 minutes of pure and uninterrupted bliss of worship without keeping them on their feet…again on the Lord’s Day?

I promise I am not a tyrant; I am a benevolent pastor who sees your woes because I am fairly self-aware of the work I do as a father and the double/triple work my wife does when I leave those doors to the office in the morning and the remarkable job a single mom does who doesn’t have that additional voice to harmonize her strategies.

So, the final argument essentially ponders why a parent would have to sacrifice fellowship time catching up with good friends for an additional hour of navigating the wants of tiny people who incidentally want a lot. The answer is that we need to view our worship service as fellowship with the Triune God who invites our little children to come unto Him. Ultimately, that is worship.

There are plenty of opportunities for more substantial fellowship that will require some sacrifice. Perhaps dad stays home a night or two while mom spends some time with friends and vice-versa. We should allow Sundays to function as a day where we fellowship in a unique way (in the context of worship), but build the rationale for fellowship in a more intimate way outside the Sunday environment. As a pastor, I usually have 20-25 different conversations before and after worship, but none of them are substantive normally. Usually there is a lot of catching up, and if there is a need for something more intimate, a parishioner and I will come to an agreement about what day to meet and discuss certain matters.

Similarly, Sunday should function not as a time to have real conversations that must exclude children, but it should be used as an opportunity to make plans to meet at a more favorable environment. Again, children shouldn’t be a hindrance to such fellowship. Certain phases of life mean that our conversations take place in a particular way. I often say that parents fellowship on the basis of fragmented sentences. We have this unique opportunity to begin conversations and then continue them 10 minutes later after dealing with whatever “emergency” our children may have.

In sum, I firmly believe that none of these reasons should distract us from a healthy community life, and in fact, children provide an abundance of opportunities for beautiful learning and growing together in grace in the context of worship and fellowship.

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