Letters To Young Men: Think Like A Man

Young Man,

Men and women are different. The differences between us are not merely in our “plumbing.” We are different all the way down to the chromosomal level. One of the differences between us that is both frustrating and delightful is the way we think like men and women. Those differences in the way we receive and process information–thinking–is the focus of this letter. Once you read this, you will understand why many times you don’t understand women.

Men and women have the same parts in their brains, but the wiring is different, you might say. (For a humorous introduction to this, watch the video A Tale of Two Brains.) This doesn’t mean that one way of thinking is superior to the other any more than a hammer is superior to a saw. It simply means that they are different, and, like the hammer and the saw, when they are used for that which they were made within the same project, they work together to complete the project. God created us to be oriented to the world as men and women. Each of us has sex-specific missions in the dominion of the world. These two ways of thinking are oriented toward those missions so that together we complement one another to complete man’s (man + woman) mission.

The basic difference between our orientations to the world in thinking is that men tend to approach the world primarily leading with rationally while women primarily approach the world emotionally. This doesn’t mean that men are emotionless; cold, hard, rationalists who only work in terms of steely logic. (If you want to see cold, hard, rationalism, watch the movie I, Robot. The big artificial intelligence computer, VIKI, operates on “pure logic.” “She” has many faulty premises, but operates on pure logic nonetheless.) Nor does this mean that women lack rationality; feeling their way through life without any logic whatever. Granted, if men and women don’t learn to rein in their sinful tendencies to go to excess with their proclivities, you can see rationality in men and emotionality in women taken to their disastrous extremes. However, as I will point out later, there can also be the reverse problem, especially in men in our time, who try to rewire their way of thinking to orient themselves to the world like women.

I’m approaching this topic of men primarily approaching the world rationally and women emotionally as helpful categories for thinking but not necessarily perfected language. You could also speak about men and women having two different systems of rationality; that is, both involve reason/rationality and emotion, but they are very different in the way that they interpret the world. We hear and understand the same words, phrases, situations, et al., (otherwise we wouldn’t be able to communicate at all!), but the way we interpret all of them is different. Men and women respond to stimuli–the people, situations, words, and decisions that need to be made– according to their sex. I find that Rollo Tomassi’s quite well-informed approach of men responding primarily rationally and women emotionally are the easiest ways to get into the subject. (He has an entire series of essays on this subject that are sexually clean. He, of course, ascribes many things to adaptation through evolution, but that aside, he demonstrates that he is well-educated in these areas. If you are interested, they can be found here, here, here, here, and here. They are only for the really interested.)

In his essay entitled, The Emotional Process, Rollo gives a visual of the difference in the wiring of men’s and women’s brains that agrees well with the video mentioned above, The Tale of Two Brains.

Again, we have all the same parts in the brain, but there are different ways those parts connect to interpret the information or stimuli that enter. These ways of thinking are not in competition with one another but are complementary of one another. As Rollo comments reinforcing what I said above, “For the most part studies indicate that women tend to prioritize the Emotional [sic] interpretive process above the Rational [sic] interpretive process and vice versa for men. That is not to say women are entirely incapable of reason, nor does it imply that men are emotionally stunted. What I’m suggesting is that our innate, biological predispositions prioritize our interpretive processes to emotion in women and rationality in men. Women can be taught to prioritize reason over emotion and … men most definitely can be conditioned to prioritize emotion above their innate reason.”

So, what does it mean that men primarily approach the world rationally? Men see the world in terms of projects. There are things to be done and, therefore, problems to be solved. We are oriented toward subduing the world and making it work to its highest potential for our benefit, the benefit of our families, and all to the glory of God. In order to do that we are wired to figure things out. There is ground that needs to be tilled. My hands are inefficient in themselves to do it. I need something that will cut up the ground so that I can make the ground productive. Things start coming together in a man’s mind about how to solve the problem.

Men thrive on receiving and using information that will help them control the world to one degree or another. When we communicate, we are concerned (as Rollo says) about content, especially content that helps us in subduing something. Our emotion feeds off of this type of rationality so that when we fix the car, create the garden, build the house, conquer an enemy, and things as such, we have a deep sense of satisfaction and expect respect (which, as I pointed out in an earlier letter, is one of man’s fundamental needs). Our emotional needs are met through accomplishing tasks, achieving, and performing through the rational process.

Women are different. As men are concerned about content, women are concerned about context (parroting Rollo again). Women can be highly logical and hold their own in an argument many times. But they tend to be concerned more about relationships and how conversations make them feel. They are sensitive to relational needs. Primarily approaching the world emotionally makes them better at their mission of nurture and care. While men are primarily oriented toward the outside world, women are concerned more about their own little worlds (that is, themselves, their families, their friends).

Women’s intuition comes in at this point. While their intuition is not always correct, women can sense things men can’t, even when they can’t put it into words (that is, logically/rationally break it down and explain it). Personally, I have found this ability in my wife to be extremely helpful at times. A godly woman’s emotional approach to people and situations tells her if something passes “the smell test.” Men have this ability as well in certain circumstances, but it is not like a woman’s ability. Men generally analyze a situation logically, and we judge things based on whether or not certain facts are present or absent. Men can develop more ability to be aware of certain smells in a relationship, but it comes more naturally to women. (Marriage is very helpful for men in this regard; not only to have a wife who has these abilities, but also in helping develop these abilities ourselves.)

Now, here is where it all gets tricky: communication between men and women. I have dealt with this for years in marriage and as a pastor. There are no easy solutions to this. It’s a wonder of God that men and women can communicate at all, quite frankly.

Let’s say a man and a woman have a conflict over how to approach a person or situation. Generally, the man analyzes the situation and tries to figure out how to solve the problem quickly and efficiently. He fires all sorts of logic at the woman. If she is a typical woman, she can be overwhelmed easily. She doesn’t have a load of logical arguments and can’t answer. She becomes frustrated because the man is saying, “This is how you solve the problem. What’s the issue? Let’s fix this thing and move to the next project.” This is illustrated humorously in that famous video, It’s Not About The Nail. There have been many times in my relationship with my wife that I have been problem-solving, and it has only increased her frustration. I’m wondering what’s the big issue. I’ve solved the problem. She doesn’t see it that way. I ask her, “What’s the problem?” She responds, “I don’t have words.” My wife is not a highly emotional woman, but she is a woman. She tends to feel the world first and then figure it out while I’m figuring it out and then feeling it.

What is frustrating is when one way of thinking is believed to be superior over the other way of thinking in all circumstances. For instance, while humorous, that video It’s Not About The Nail exposes a problem: men should just shut up and listen to the woman without solving the issue. This is just the way women think, and men should respect that and stop trying to solve their problems. Let them emote. Maybe there should be some time given to this, depending on the problem, but that is not how God created us to relate to one another. A woman needs a man’s rationality to help her solve real problems. Sometimes women need to be quiet and let men help them solve the problem … like pulling the nail out of her forehead. It is not healthy to walk around with a nail in your forehead literally or metaphorically. Women need men for their primacy in rationality. But, as I have mentioned, men need women as well. Women help us to think about context and relationships. Wonder of wonders, we need one another! The way each of us thinks is God’s gift to the other.

Conflict resolution between men and women is not my aim in this letter. Knowing the difference between the way men and women approach the world in terms of the way we think should be helpful. There are no magic formulas for conflict resolution. You must both understand one another and your different approaches, appreciate the differences, be humble, be patient, and work toward a resolution that serves your mission. Every woman is somewhere on the emotional-rational spectrum, you might say. Some tend to be more on the “basket case” side, allowing their emotions to dominate all rational thought. Others tend to be more on the rational end and have their emotions under control. You will have to learn your girlfriend or wife. In the end, as long as she knows that you are always right, everything will be fine. 🙂

This primacy of rationality or emotionality difference is important in the broader intersexual dynamic, going beyond mere conflict resolution. You will not be attractive to a woman and win her heart through rational arguments, trying to convince her why you are the man. Nor do you ever ask a woman what she really wants in you as a man and try to solve the problem by the information she gives you. If she has to tell you how to be a man, then she will not respect you.

Some women may say that they would love a man to do this, but it is frustrating to her; if not in the beginning, eventually. By having to tell you what she wants in a man, you become a beta in her mind. You are being molded and shaped by her. She wants you to “just get it;” understand what it means to be a man and be the man without her having to tell you. She wants you, for example, to just get it when you are walking down the street or in a parking lot and you put her on the safe side, protecting her. If she has to say something, she feels that you don’t get what it means to be a man. Think deeply about what it means to be a man and be a man.

None of this means, of course, that you have to read her mind about trivial things such as rearranging the furniture or the color of the paint in the house. I’m speaking more about your fundamental duties with regard to protecting and providing, guarding and working.

This is where so many relationships go awry. Men come to their wits’ end because they have done everything the woman has asked, but it is never enough. The woman becomes frustrated because she has to start speaking the man’s language to try to get him to be the man, but she is not wired to communicate as well that way. Besides, she is not supposed to be leading him to be a man. He’s supposed to know how to be a man.

The man, having been conditioned by our feminist culture, is trying to solve the problem of his relationship logically–she presented the problem and the way to fix it, so he is doing it–but it isn’t working. And by not working, I mean that the woman is frustrated, she loses respect and attraction, and, when married, the sex dries up (or, at least, passionate sex dries up. Some Christian women will “do their duty.”)

Women don’t want to tell you how to be a man. If they try, they don’t think you are the alpha they are looking for, they are feminists you want no part of, or they are under the mother-savior delusion that they can build a perfect man, looking for a beta to turn into her alpha, which NEVER works. In the end, you both lose. Just get it and be the man. Your woman will respond. If she doesn’t immediately, refer to the tests I talked about in a previous letter. Stay the course. Endure the tests. Be the man.

One challenge that we face at this present time in history is that the feminine way of thinking has become the standard for good and enlightened behavior in our culture. But it is always disastrous when it dominates. Several months ago, riots broke out all over our country and in Europe. The death of George Floyd at the knee of a Minneapolis police officer was the catalyst. Wild claims of black genocide occurring at the hands of the police were being made. Claims of systemic racism are propagated inside and outside the church. There were a number of people looking at statistics and saying, “The numbers don’t add up. Your claims are patently false.” However, those stubborn facts don’t matter. This “feels” right. It feels right for officials to kneel before looters. It feels right to burn buildings. It feels right to steal. It all feels like justice. This is rationality blinded by pure emotion, you might say.

I’m certainly not going to attribute all of this to the primacy of feminine ways of thinking, but I do think it plays a huge part. Much of this is about feelings over reality. A number of these looters and rioters probably come from fatherless homes or homes with beta fathers at best. Logic and rationality don’t matter. If I feel it is real, then it is real. I must act on my feelings above all things. I am justified in destroying people’s property, hurting them, or even killing them because it feels like justice. There are many of us–white and black alike–sitting on the sidelines saying, “None of this makes rational sense. Your premises are all wrong.” None of it makes logical sense. But that doesn’t matter. That is the sinful primacy of emotion over rationality. Karens abound.

(Riots and looting have happened throughout history for various reasons not associated with feminist ways of thinking. I am only talking about our present condition and the inability to reason with people.)

Because the feminist imperative–men exist to promote feminine reality or femcentrism–has become primary, men must be trained to think like women. Men must learn to feel their way into the world before using reason. A man’s way of thinking is cold and heartless. He is too rough and logical. In school, he must be given Ritalin to calm him down. He must learn to be more sensitive to feel the needs of others; not like a man but like a woman. He must re-wire his brain. William Struthers, in his book Wired for Intimacy, tells us how this is done in relation to pornography, but the realities about re-wiring the brain work in every area of life. The way you interact with stimuli can create new neuropathways in your brain. When your brain senses some reward from a particular action or response from another, then you are more likely to continue that action or seek that response. Over time, this wires your brain to think a certain way and, therefore, controls your habits and interactions with others. Though one may never completely lose the ability to think like a man, it can certainly be drastically altered. This, I submit, is why so many men, dominated by their mothers, fatherless, absorbed in a feminist culture, and even conditioned by a feminist church, believe that the way they think is the effect of original sin. Original sin certainly distorts the way men think, but feminine ways of thinking are not original righteousness to which we must attain.

You are not defective in your thinking like a man. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are. Your brain is wired for the mission God has given you. You will be tested through challenges and even being shamed because you think the way you do. You don’t have to be arrogantly boisterous or defensive, acting as if the feminists (whether male or female) have the right to put you on trial for masculine ways of thinking. Just continue being the man calmly, quietly, and confidently. Think like a man.

For Christ’s Kingdom,

Pastor Smith