“Sexual desire, without Eros, wants it, the thing in itself; Eros wants the beloved. When natural things look most divine, the demoniac is just around the corner. But Eros, honored without reservation and obeyed unconditionally, becomes a demon. The real danger seems to me not that the lovers will idolize each other but that they will idolize Eros himself.” (C.S. Lewis in The Four Loves)
C.S. Lewis is a master of the human heart. He understood the dangers that come, not only with hurt and pain, but with pleasure and joy. We assume that it is the wicked things that destroy us. But all too often it is that which is beautiful and enjoyable that becomes a bloodthirsty demon. Why? We replace the Creator with the creature. The creature, the thing, the experience, becomes our god. The moment we do that we have brought home a dragon that will eventually eat us.
All areas of human experience are prone to this idolization. But there is no area so easily worshiped today as sex. Our culture is hyper-sexualized. Our commercials are filled with sexual innuendo or scantily clad women. Our teenage daughters wear more to bed than they do on the street. Television shows and movies are filled with sexual imagery. Songs are filled with sexual lyrics. Magazines have articles on how to have a better sex life. Christians write books on how to have a better sex life. Pastors preach sermons on how to have a better sex life. Apparently, a better sex life is the way to happiness.
In this pursuit of sex what people want is not a particular man or woman but a particular experience. A man watching pornography does not want the porn star. He wants what the porn star can supposedly give; a sexual high. A woman who sleeps with men at the drop of a hat or dresses with most of her body showing is not looking to please a particular man. She is trying to get a particular experience. Often, even the Christian, because he has been catechized by our culture, is looking for a particular sexual experience. In other words, we bow down and worship sex. It is our god, our great savior. It is the transcendental experience that will get us closer to God.
What are some of the effects of this idolization of sex?
- Women are degraded. Because women are the weaker vessel they become objects. They are there to provide a sexual high. This does not stop with marriage. Many men still view their wives this way after getting married. She is there, not be loved, but to be used.
- Children are sexualized. Pedophilia is a natural extension of the idolization of sex. A woman (or man) cannot provide a certain experience maybe a child can.
- Perverted acts become part of the normal human sexual experience: handcuffs, dressing up as the opposite sex, having numerous partners, watching pornography together, sodomy, etc. The idol sex is supposed to provide a certain experience. However, she always comes up short. So we try more and more things. I remember an interview with mass murderer Ted Bundy. He talked about how he started out reading and watching pornography. Then he went to strip clubs. Then he took cheap feels on women in crowded places. Then he slept with prostitutes. Finally, he kidnapped, raped, and killed women. Of course, not everyone goes that far. But in our hearts, many of us walk that same path. The man who leaves his wife for a younger, more attractive woman is a miniature Ted Bundy.
- We are never satisfied. Idols always take. They never give. Idols promise, but never deliver. They say, “You too can have amazing sex and be fulfilled.” But in the end the sex leaves you empty and dead. Oh, there may be a temporary pleasure. I am sure the fruit tasted good to Adam and Eve. But that pleasure fades. As Adam drove his spade into the rock hard ground under the hot sun outside the Garden, I doubt he thought that fruit was worth it. Idols give salt water to a thirsty man.
- This might seem odd. But one effect of idolizing sex is that sex itself is degraded. It becomes a means to an end. The end is an experience. Thus sex becomes like a hammer. It is a tool to provide a certain service. Here again C.S. Lewis: “Put first things first and we get second things thrown in: put second things first and we lose both first and second things. ” When sex becomes an idol we lose the joy of sex.
How do we fight the idolization of sex?
- Worship God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Believe that only He can provide everlasting satisfaction and joy. Bow down before God and you will not bow before sex.
- Remember sex is intended to be act of love between a man and woman married to each other. The point of sex is not just so you can experience something. The point is to give. That is what love is. Again, C.S. Lewis, “Say your prayers in a garden early, ignoring steadfastly the dew, the birds and the flowers, and you will come away overwhelmed by its freshness and joy; go there in order to be overwhelmed and, after a certain age, nine times out of ten nothing will happen to you.” If we do something to have a certain experience we will often be disappointed. But if we go to do what we are supposed to do then we will usually be satisfied. So too with sex.
- Sex, like any gift, must be used to love God and our neighbor. These two commands put fences around our sex life. Any act or thought which does not love God or love my neighbor is sin.
- The idolization of sex will not be defeated by treating sex as dirty. Sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed within the bounds of the marriage bed.
- Sex is a gift from God designed for certain purposes, including conceiving children, providing pleasure, protecting one’s spouse from temptation, and making a man and woman one flesh. It is not designed to provide a transcendental, spiritual experience. As Mrs. Elizabeth Elliott said somewhere, “Sometimes sex is a sandwich. Sometimes it is a steak.” If you can’t enjoy the sandwich then sex has become an idol.
- Beware of always wanting more from your sex life. Beware of the slow creeping lie that there is something better and if you just do this or buy that or watch this then you can have a better sexual experience. Pull that weed up immediately and learn to be content with what God has given you.
- Beware comparing your sex life with someone else’s. Most of us have seen examples of sex on screen or read about sexual experiences. The temptation is to compare our sex life with what we have seen or read. This is devastating to a real, enjoyable sex life. It does not matter what the world or other people are doing in their beds. Enjoy your spouse without a thought for the expectations of the outside world. You will be happier and your spouse will be too.
- Be satisfied with who you have. The grass is not greener.
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