The Leech

“The leech has two daughters–Give and Give!…” Proverbs 30:15

You and all that you do are never enough. More is required. You are the reason that I am in the shape that I am in. If you were only “there” for me the way I expected you to be. If you had only given me better counsel. If only you were more emotionally present. If only …

These are the words of a leech. I know, that’s not too polite, but that is what Solomon calls the demanding, blackhole, self-consumed person. All they know is “Give, give.” They are parasites that live off of the life of others. When they have drained you dry of all the life that is in you, they move to find another host, thinking this one will finally meet all my needs; this one will fix me; this one will be all that I expect. Again and again, they are disappointed because no one is adequate. No one meets their high expectations.

Because you are a loving Christian, you genuinely want to help this person. You want to be a good friend and try to be all that they expect from you. You are a pastor whose responsibility is to feed and lead the flock, and this person has come to you with needs. You are a husband or wife who sincerely desires to please your spouse.

But you can’t. The expectations are not “high.” They are impossible and, therefore, unreasonable. No one can meet those needs. No one can fix what is broken inside the other person.

You know you are in a relationship like this when you are always drained from time spent with the person. There is no refreshment of your soul. They are draining. They demand you give, but they never give to contribute to your life.

Several attitudes and actions characterize these overly demanding people.

1. They always expect more from others than they do from themselves.

They may say that they have high expectations of themselves, but when everyone else is blamed for what they are or are not doing, it’s a lie. They expect everyone else to do for them what they should be doing for themselves.

2. Leeches never see themselves as the problem and, therefore, responsible to fix themselves.

Blame is always placed outside of themselves. “You weren’t there for me.” But what does it mean to be “there?” “You didn’t give me good counsel.” This, being translated, is, “You didn’t give me a magic pill to solve all my problems.” These people never see the problem within themselves. They are always looking for someone else to “give” them what they think they need. It matters not that you are not the one who turns on the computer and navigates through porn sites for him; somehow, you are not giving him what he needs to battle his problem. You are not the one who nagged her husband until it destroyed her marriage, but somehow you didn’t help her enough. You are not the one who didn’t act as a husband should, but now you are the one who is responsible for his bad marriage. “I can’t be the problem. Someone didn’t ‘give’ something to me.”

3. The overly demanding person will discard relationships when he/she doesn’t get out of them what they want (sometimes the first time they don’t get what they want).

You try to meet every demand. You wear yourself out seeking to serve this person. The first time you don’t do what he/she expects, you are the enemy. You will be cut off. Your friend will leave. That church member will go find another church. Your spouse will alienate you. Unless the person sincerely repents, you will lose the relationship. It is only a matter of time … and there is nothing, absolutely nothing you can do about it.

So, what do you do?

First, even though you don’t want to be cynical, you must be honest and recognize the leech as soon as possible. If they have a history of relationships like this, approach with caution and realistic expectations.

Second, understand that you can’t meet this person’s needs or expectations. No one can, and you are no different. The problem doesn’t lie in the acquaintances the person has had in the past, but in him.

Third, if this overly demanding person seeks to latch on to you, tell him what he needs to hear instead of trying to submit to his expectations. That is the most loving thing you can do. They may or may not listen. That’s not your problem.

Fourth, if they don’t repent, let them go. You shouldn’t try to take responsibility where you have no authority. You have no authority to change someone else’s life. All you can do is encourage and instruct. You may be castigated as uncompassionate. You may be blamed for the problems. Those are control tactics to get you under their power so that they can suck the life out of you. Don’t submit to it. Don’t allow them to guilt you into being a host for their bloodlust. You are wasting the time Jesus gave you to be productive with other people. Be a good steward of the time Jesus gives you.

If they repent, taking personal responsibility and are willing to do what it takes to remedy their problems, by all means, help them in any way you can.

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