Last October my daughter turned 13, and my wife and I took her out for her “promise ring” event. The evening was a blast, the food was terrific, and the conversation was over-the-top. We presented her with a ring to commemorate the event. It was beautiful; she was beautiful; my wife was beautiful; the whole evening was just… beautiful. During the conversation we focused in on the fact that she was becoming a woman and boys were probably going to start to notice. The promises that were made that night concerned keeping lines of communication open about whatever may be going on in her life over the next few years. We want to rejoice with her as things go well, and help her through any times when things might not go so well. We promised to talk about whichever boy that may show an interest, or that she might take an interest in when he comes calling. The issue of virginity may have come up at certain points in the conversation, but that ideal is not one that is new to her. Scripture is replete with references to God’s desire for sexual purity, so we did not wait until she was 13 to introduce them. True love does not wait until your children are 13 to tell them that “true love waits”.
Attached to this post is a link to an article concerning the “downside” of the “True Love Waits” movement. Perhaps that is the downside–that it is a movement of a Christian bookstore instead of the modus operandi of Christian families in the church. The downsides referred to in the article concern “damaged goods” and “virginity as a commodity”. The “damaged goods” issue comes into play since virginity can only be “lost” once. After it’s gone, by definition, it’s gone. The article raises some valid questions about how the emphasis on mass-marketed virginity can ostracize the young ladies who are no longer virgins and cannot possibly retrieve it. They can be forgiven, but not be really “pure” like a girl who is still a virgin. Is this loving to our neighbors? Is this how we would want to be treated? These are questions the article addresses.
I wouldn’t trade the evening with my wife and daughter last October for anything. I do not plan on changing the general direction of how I am approaching my own daughter, but I appreciate the issues raised in this article. I love my daughter enough to instruct her in righteousness and be there with her as she matures. Do I love my neighbor’s daughter enough to be careful with my words? Are we wise and loving enough to preach “as far as the east is from the west” right alongside “you reap what you sow”?
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Personally I don’t believe that the movement called ‘True Love Waits’ is at all Biblical, both because the modern idea of ‘True Love’ is not Biblical, and because the idea of ‘waiting’ is not Biblical.
Too often in our culture the idea of ‘true love’ is taken to mean a Greco-Roman ‘romance’ mythological concept of ‘one true love’ and following ones feelings. What Scripture teaches is not ‘marry the one your love’ but ‘love the one you marry’.
And Scripture, far from promoting ‘waiting’, forbids it. The young man struggling with fornication is not commanded to ‘wait’ but to marry.
Our modern Christian culture has (following Catholicism) made virginity into an idol… and idol that stands in the place of the Biblical ideal of young, fruitful, marriages.
The ‘other side of the coin’ of this as it was put forward is the redemptive purposes of God. If I, as a father, take a hard line and say “one of the things a young man must be to marry my daughter is a virgin,” then I have trumped any trust in Yahweh to redeem in this temporal life, haven’t I? It appears to me that 1 Cor 6:9-11 indicates that “X at one time committed fornication” and “X is a godly man, washed in Christ’s blood” are not mutually exclusive. And if the latter is true, then can I make the one thing that makes me say “No?” I don’t think so and, if i do, then I think I have denied Christ’s redemptive power.
And I don’t think this really works an differently if the roles are reversed.
Repentant fornicators can be non-repentant con men. Beware lest they tear your daughter in pieces.
Of course they can. But then they’re really not repentant, are they? And a young man can lie to you and ‘say’ that he’s a virgin. So what do you do? Believe that Jesus can redeem in the here and now, but decide that since you can’t know what is going on in hearts, you’re going to take the safest possible route? Are you saying that one of the temporal consequences of this particular sin, whether before or after conversion, is that a young man should not be able to marry a godly woman, unless she is in the ‘godly but likewise tainted’ category?
I don’t know, by the way you’ve put it, whether you’re calling for increased diligence, or giving a premonitional ‘just say no.’
Increased diligence for sure. It happened to my daughter, Marc’s sister.Taking the safest route, whatever that should have entailed, would have saved her and others much heartache and lots of court costs. After several whores, he divorced her, one of the best days of her life. His persecution continues by attempted manipulation of their seven children and until recently, bogus court charges to keep her from making a new home with her husband where he works. Her husband is finally approved ( almost) by our glorious state to move here and lead as a godly husband and father. His name is Tim Gallant, and I have full confidence in this man. I should have done better with the first man and that’s my point.
I know, Wayne. I know the barebones of the story, and yes, Tim is a fine and godly man who is moving heaven and earth to be with Kristi and the kids.