“I asked for forgiveness. He said he forgave me. Everything ought to be alright.” Not necessarily.
Forgiveness is an essential grace that we must be willing to extend to our brothers and sisters in Christ. If we don’t forgive one another, God will not forgive us (Mt 6:14-15; 18:21-35). When addressing both the Ephesians and the Colossians, Paul speaks of forgiveness as an expression of love vital to the church’s continuing, growing life (Eph 4:32; Col 3:12-14). We must be willing to release others from the legitimate debt they’ve incurred by their sin against us. We must refuse to take revenge, seeking to “make them pay” for what they’ve done to us.
Forgiveness requires the forgiver to absorb the loss at some level. Someone has to pay the debt. If the one who sinned doesn’t pay it, then the one sinned against must pay it. That is the nature of forgiveness.
Although genuine forgiveness ends in peace, that doesn’t mean that everything will return to the way things were before the sin occurred in all cases. Sin has consequences in this life in our relationships with one another. Forgiveness wipes the debt clean, but it doesn’t restore trust. Forgiveness is a necessary beginning in restoring trust, but it is not the complete restoration of trust. If your CPA embezzles from your business, you may forgive him, but you probably won’t restore him to his job. If a woman sins against her husband and divorces him, he may forgive her, but that doesn’t mean they will be remarried. Sin changed the situation. This doesn’t mean relationships can’t be healthy again, but they may be radically different. Different isn’t bad. Different is … well … different.
Our actions have consequences in this life. If, in a moment of sinful rage, I break your jaw and then come to you for forgiveness, we can mend fences, but your jaw will still need mending. Forgiveness doesn’t always heal everything instantly. Different sins have different consequences. Some are minor and can be easily forgotten. Others wound profoundly and take time to heal.
Our psyches can be wounded as much as our jaw can be broken. Both require time and special attention to heal. Quite frankly, a broken jaw is much easier to deal with than a psyche that has been wounded through abandonment, abuse, or betrayal. Asking for forgiveness is the beginning of the healing process, but healing takes time and attention. You wouldn’t expect the guy with the broken jaw to jump up with a healed jaw just because you asked, “Please forgive me.” Neither can we expect those who have suffered severe psychological trauma to be alright just because we have exchanged the tokens of forgiveness. Forgiveness can be truly granted, but healing takes time and special attention. Forgiveness is necessary to the healing process, but healing is not instantaneous.
When we sin against someone and regret it, we want them to be alright quickly because we feel bad about what we have done. The compassion is correct, but the expectation is unrealistic. Depending on the nature of the sin, healing may take time. That doesn’t mean the person hasn’t truly forgiven you. It means that healing takes time.
Because our actions affect our relationships, we should be careful before we say or do anything. Think before we act.
If you have sinned against someone, especially in a way that has deeply damaged him/her, ask forgiveness, but don’t expect the person to be alright immediately. Be humbly patient and willing to do whatever you can to help with the healing process (which may not be much).
If you have been sinned against, forgive just as the Lord has forgiven you: fully and freely. Don’t seek revenge. But don’t expect to be healed overnight. Seek out physicians for the soul that can help you heal. The relationship may never be the same again, but it can still be healthy even if it is different.
