satire-piece
The Tubalcain Times reports the COVID outbreak at Grace Community Church in California. According to the CDM (Center for Disease Miscontrol) 3 members out of the 7,000-member church inherited the obliterating force of the Los Angeles Virus (also known as the L.A. Virus). Though the County suggests that there is a 99.98% survival rate, Grace Community could no longer remain open.
Upon hearing the news, Grace’s pastor for the last 50 years, John MacArthur, affirmed dogmatically, “And now the end is near and so I face the final curtain.” Listeners applauded the pastor’s poetic declaration and overwhelmingly accepted his letter of resignation. As MacArthur exited the building for the last time, the crowds–duly masked–applauded the octogenarian man with shouts of “Time to Say Good-Bye,” a chant popularized by Italian theologian, Andreanis Bocelli.
Local officials gleaming with delight warned the remaining 6,997 non-affected members of doom. They emphatically declared that as a result of their civil disobedience, Thanksgiving is also called off. The L.A. County anticipated their follow-up question and declared that there was no time for Christmas this year either. The stakes are too high and all children should know in advance that there is no such thing as Santa. “The sooner they know the better,” said L.A. official, Ricardo Grinchitis.
We reached out to the elderly John MacArthur for an update. His response was brief: “According to my calculations, exegetically-speaking, Grace Community inadvertently opened the first seal prophesied in Daniel 12.” Delirious after 33 days of quarantine, MacArthur seemed disheveled and keeps to himself these days. Neighbors testify that the disgraced former Grace pastor has even abandoned his distaste and antagonism for wine and picked up a local bottle of his new favorite fermented grape juice called Manischewitz. He appears content to sip on it regularly while sun-bathing in his backyard.
