Why are we so lonely? One can begin to articulate indefinitely. But I believe that one of the major reasons is that we have over-sexualized everything. We have allowed the intrinsically failed sexual order of the modern culture to dictate how Christians should act towards one another.
Let’s say two married men while smoking a cigar add a passing but lucid commentary on the beauty of Aubrey Hepburn in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” The more pious among the Christianese universe will condemn such acts as a betrayal of our fidelity to our wives. That is sheer silliness and false piety. There is a difference between lusting and affirming beauty. A father should affirm the beauty of his daughter because beauty is an objective reality. God is a God of beauty. As someone once told me, your daughter should have heard of her beauty before the first man comes and affirms it. So too, by extension, a man’s wife should hear often from her husband that her beauty exceeds that of Aubrey Hepburn. Men should thrive in praising their wives ‘ beauty and glory.
But in our day, a simple joke can turn into an obscene narrative. Two men hugging one another can send out mixed messages. Why? Because long ago (enter whatever year you like), we decided to accept the premise that intimacy and tenderness are erotic categories reserved for the married or the immoral. We are poorer because we allowed this to become the prevailing ethos of our culture.
I remember well growing up in South America and seeing female friends walking around holding hands, sisters and brothers held hands in public also; men greeted women with a kiss, and men gave one another big monstrous hugs as a public sign of affection. I did not think twice about their masculinity or femininity. It was natural. Even now, when I return to my home country, it takes me a day or two to adjust because I, too, have accepted the strange assertion that intimacy and tenderness belong only in particular categories. And I am of the hugging-party, so imagine someone who is not.
The side-effects of an oversexualized society that is more alone than ever are that it is the most connected society that has ever existed, and yet we are the most drugged, loneliest, and the most comfortable with being drugged and lonely. If you read letters only 100 years ago between friends–let’s say Bonhoeffer’s exchanges with Eberhard– you very quickly get a sense that we don’t live in those times anymore. We are far removed from the words of affection of those two men because we do not treasure intimacy. In fact, we fear it. It is a rare thing for a man to say to another man, “I love you.” Social distancing only confirms our love for the self. In this season, we have decided that relational poverty is our mode of operation. There is much to say, but I leave only with the earnest desire that you will pursue friendship; that you will seek out the other without the fears that so often accompany our erotic-driven world. Love abundantly by not taking people for granted and by not despising their presence.
C.S. Lewis once said that if we could recognize who we were, we would realize that we were walking with possible gods and goddesses, whom if we could see them in all their eternal dignity and glory, we would be tempted to fall and worship.
If anything, let the call of charity and care drive your view of others by accepting beauty and grace where it is found. Let the world misunderstand us. In some ways, our call as Christians is to be misunderstood by the world because they reject our communion with the friend of sinners who is the most beautiful of all.
