Letters To Young Men: Hypergamy

Dear Young Man,

In our continuing journey into masculinity and, in particular, intersexual dynamics, I will now address the subject of hypergamy (hī-pûr′gə-mē). To give credit where credit is due, Rollo Tomassi has developed this theory more than anyone else that I know of in the area of intersexual dynamics. Old PUAs (“Pick-Up Artists”) worked off of the principle of hypergamy in what they called “game.” Understanding hypergamy helps you understand why some of those cheesy game techniques worked (more or less). They hit upon some creational realities that they twisted.

Hypergamy basically means “marrying up.” It is understood in places like India to speak of women who marry into a higher caste. The story of Cinderella is something of a story of hypergamy; the poor girl catches the attention of the prince who then marries her. In the social and psychological sciences, hypergamy deals with “mating preferences.” It can refer to men marrying up, but the word primarily refers to a woman’s desire to marry someone who is superior to her in a number of areas such as physical strength, earning potential, height, humor, and other things. The woman desires a man who is of high value relative to her.

Manosphere men speak of hypergamy as being in the hindbrain of every female. The hindbrain in humans is what controls functions necessary for survival. Hindbrain functions control respiratory rhythm, motor activities, sleep, and wakefulness. Rollo, with his evolutionary worldview, understands that part of a female’s drive for survival, which includes her mating strategy, is to find an alpha male with whom to mate. He has good genetic qualities—he is physically strong, taller than her, attractive—which will translate to her having healthy, even superior, children. The woman desires to have children, and she wants to have good, healthy children that can survive the dangers of normal life.

But the alpha “sperm donor” is not all that she wants. She also desires a “beta” provider; someone to take care of her and her children. The beta male is the one who is loyal to the woman who will work to provide.

Again, this is an area where Rollo et al. have hit on some basic creational intersexual dynamics that need to be recognized as reality. However, we also need to recognize where reality has been distorted.

Let’s start with the alpha and beta definitions. The alpha male is characterized in many ways. He can be the “Chad,” the upper one percent of males who are pictured as physically fit, weird hairstyle, and an exaggerated crotch bulge. He is sexually active with as many girls as he wants. The alpha male is self-confident, courageous, a risk-taker, and even the bad-boy rebel. “Alpha” is not a moral quality in this sphere. Alpha is a man who has and holds frame. He doesn’t submit to others’ frames. The alpha could be a worthless human being who demonstrates distorted masculinity (but masculinity nonetheless), or he could be a godly Christian man who demonstrates masculinity in its proper form.

Then there is the beta. He is the more nurturing, loyal, and caring male who is in it for the long-haul. The distorted beta is characterized in the manosphere and its offshoots more as the “blue pill” guy (a reference to the Matrix. He lives in the reality created by present-day feminism.) The blue-pill beta is one who lives femcentrically, pedestaling women, and living in their frame. The male feminist. The beta male orbits around the female instead of pursuing his mission and having her orbit around him.

Some see this alpha/beta dichotomy as men having a masculine (alpha) and feminine (beta) side. This is (and should be!) firmly rejected. Men don’t have a “feminine side” unless they are married. A man’s wife is his “feminine side.” However, different people define alpha and beta differently. Normally, you will hear “beta” in a very negative way. But, again, there is no authoritative lexicon on this. There are positive beta qualities, for example, but a man who is totally beta is not acting masculine.

What is characteristic in the culture around us is that women in their peak SMV (Sexual Market Value) years like to party with alphas. (The SMV is something of a scale of attractiveness that applies to both men and women. Men’s SMV grows as they grow older and achieve status and money. Women’s SMV peaks out in their mid-twenties and begins to decline because their SMV is based, not on achievement, but physical attractiveness and her most fertile years.) Then, when they pass their prime and start to realize that they need someone to take care of them and, possibly, the child(ren) they had with these alphas, or they simply want to settle down and have children, they look for the “sweet guy”—the beta— who will provide for them for the rest of their lives and center his life around her and her child(ren). She is probably not that interested in a sexual relationship with this guy because she is not really attracted to him sexually. She is looking for a provider.

Alpha plays. Beta pays. One way that you can tell whether or not she thinks you are an alpha or a beta, Rollo surmises (and I agree with some qualification), is that the woman breaks her rules for alphas and makes rules for betas. To translate, if she believes you’re her alpha, she will forget her frame and live in yours (whether moral or immoral), but if she believes you’re a beta, she will insist on you living within her frame; she will tell you what you can and can’t do, and you will serve her mission. The beta male is the one who speaks about his girlfriend or wife “allowing him” to do things. It is not that he has received counsel from his girlfriend or wife and then he made the decision. She tells him what he will and won’t do. If he doesn’t comply, then he will pay.

This assessment of broader culture is spot on. It is so obvious in news stories it is almost cliché. In relatively recent events, for instance, Prince Harry is a beta orbiter with Maegan Markle. She is looking for provision of some sort and insisting he center his life around hers. He has done it, leaving the royal family and relinquishing his royal title. More than likely, she will grow weary of him and will, most likely, cheat on him with another alpha somewhere. Maybe not, but it is a perfect set up for it. She initially wanted him because of his alpha-ness. But he has conceded frame showing weakness. She thinks that’s what she wants, but it will frustrate her because she was not created to hold the frame of the relationship, determining and leading the mission.

As with all of these observations, they twist reality … but it is reality that they are twisting. Women are created by God to want a man who has both alpha and beta qualities (beta minus capitulating to her frame). Women want to find and hold on to a man who is a combination of both in their proper forms and not have to find them in separate men. Women who date alphas and then settle for betas later will always have that hankering in their hearts for that alpha male. They are sometimes called “alpha widows.”

I’ve watched this play out through my years. I know of one situation that especially displayed this principle. There was a man who was practically a pure alpha; body builder, military man, generally athletic, intelligent, and did what he wanted to do. Women loved this man. While in college he met a younger beauty queen. She was smitten. They were married when she was young. She had grown up in a Christian home and had moral boundaries, but when this man came along and showed interest in her, it was over. She entered his frame.

Everything was fun until the first child. Then it was time to settle down and provide. That wasn’t him. They were divorced. Now, with a child in tow, she wasn’t really looking for another husband too diligently. She was quite attractive. Men surrounded her like the men you see surround Scarlet O’Hara at the beginning of Gone With The Wind, but they were all beta simps*. She was in no way attracted to them. There were many good providers, but no one to whom she was attracted sexually.

One day another alpha type came along who looked to be more stable morally and in a vocation that was respectable and would provide long-term provisioning. Perfect guy, right? She was up against the end of her “peak” years in attractiveness. The woman’s priority was her child. While he was a good-time alpha and she was sexually attracted to him, she needed a provider. She figured with the job he had that would work out. She wanted him. They were married. His providing ability wasn’t as good as she thought it would be. She resented him for this. Sex dried up. He committed adultery. They stayed married, but it wasn’t a good marriage.

Compare this to an older couple I knew that was married for fifty years. The wife adored her husband even as they aged, no matter how aggravating he would be. He was a manly man. He was a godly man. He was strong and a good provider through the years. When he died, his wife grieved his loss for years afterward. It was a beautiful relationship.

All that to say, I’ve had front row seats in this theater for quite some time. These anecdotes could be repeated dozens of times.

Hypergamy is real. It is real because God created the woman for the man. She desires a man. She needs a man (despite the brain-washing of feminism). This doesn’t mean that she just can’t live if she doesn’t have a man/husband, but that desire can’t simply be buried and ignored. And she wants a man; a man who is both a guardian and a gardener, a protector and provider, a warrior and worker. This is not the hindbrain developed over hundreds of thousands or millions of years for survival. This is the way God created and sustains the female. She wants to “marry up.”

Marrying up—hypergamy—expresses itself in what attracts women to men. Attraction is being drawn to someone beautiful and useful to us. That is, we see something in someone else that is appealing to us and can fulfill desires that we have. This, of course, can be perverted, but it doesn’t have to be. It can be righteous as well. Men are attracted to women for certain reasons and women are attracted to men for certain reasons. Those reasons are not the same. Men are primarily attracted to women visually and for the purposes of sex. Women are attracted to men visually to some extent, but it is more for what they see in him as protector and provider. It is through those lenses that they are then attracted to him sexually.

Feminism has tried to brainwash men and women to believe that men should be attracted to strong, independent women who don’t need them, who will compete with them in the physical, intellectual, or financial realm. But we’re not. We’re attracted to femininity; softness, long hair, shapely figures, women who need and respect us. Many single women today who are quite successful don’t understand why they can’t get a good boyfriend or husband. They have decreased the pool of men who will be attracted to them and, quite frankly, men to whom they will be attracted. Women want to marry up. But if they have a Ph. D. or are a CEO of a company or a competitive CrossFit athlete, the number of men to whom they will be attracted has diminished greatly. Feminism can’t wipe this out. God wired us this way; yes, it may even be in our hindbrain function. God created the brains of both males and females and wired them, you might say, according to their sex-specific purposes.

Because hypergamy is a fact of life, it controls attraction. In younger years especially, women are initially attracted to alpha qualities. These qualities are initially the most obvious. They are displayed. True/Faithful beta qualities are qualities that are displayed over the years. Initial attraction tends to be the alpha qualities. Does he exude strength? Strength is not merely physical (though that doesn’t hurt) but mental, financial (real or potential), and confidence. Is he courageous, willing to take risks? Is he competent? Does he show some mastery in something or is he pursuing mastery and showing competency along the way? These are all factors in attraction.

These are also the qualities that make a woman sexually attracted to you, creating desire for you within her. These are the qualities she respects, and when she respects your superiority in these areas, she desires you sexually. This is important in the long-term relationship of marriage. Though there are many factors through the years in sexual desire, you can be assured that your wife will not sexually desire you if she loses respect for you in these areas. If you don’t exhibit these alpha qualities, her genuine desire will diminish. As Rollo rightly says, “Genuine desire cannot be negotiated.” Neither is genuine desire and attraction there simply because you are in the covenant of marriage. There can be no expectation that she is supposed to desire you just because you are her husband. Desire is not created when you do everything she tells you to do, assuring you that there will be a “prize” for you if you do them. If you do this, you have become a beta simp orbiting around her. You have lost frame. She won’t respect it, and she won’t desire you sexually anymore.

The man’s work is never done. He has a burden of performance that he must maintain and continue to achieve in some form or fashion throughout his life. Our attraction to women in general and our wives in particular isn’t based on their performance. We are attracted to them when we see them (with certain clothes on or without clothes on, when their hair is fixed a certain way, etc.) and when they show us respect. (I’ll have a whole letter on the subject of respect.) We want them sexually for these reasons. Women desire men when we show that we are performing men; strong, competent, and courageous.

Just think about the caricatures that we see in the movies. Why do Jason Momoa, Chris Evans, and the Rock take their shirts off? Why are women initially attracted to this, getting all flush and having to fan a bit? Because they see strength, a potential protector. Even a recent trash bag commercial with John Cena recognizes this innate desire in women. What do men think when we see a woman body-builder? Not so attractive. It’s not feminine. Women see the bad boy and are attracted to him because he shows courage and a taste for risky adventure. She wants a man with a mission, so she is attracted to him. The woman’s hypergamous desire determines her attraction.

When the woman gets into a relationship, she then wants those beta qualities of being loyal and a provider … without losing the alpha qualities. Good beta-provider qualities combined with the alpha is a potent combination! Any godly woman desiring a good man and wanting to be a good wife will be responsive to men in all areas of their marriage.

To be a godly man you need to have both alpha and beta qualities. You need to maintain frame and mission as I talked to you about in previous letters; to continue to perform as a man, leading your wife. This will include talking to her about attitudes and actions that don’t fit your frame and mission (which are, in some form or fashion, tests to see if you will tell her, “That’s enough,” or if you will be a simp and try to give her everything she wants, further enabling her wrong attitudes and actions). That takes courage because, as men, we don’t want to lose this relationship and we want our girlfriends or wives to be happy. But they can’t be happy if they aren’t holy. It’s our job to be alpha in this area of the sanctification of our wives, being the guardian warrior who protects her from sin that will destroy her, your marriage, and any children (or future children). To be a godly man, you must maintain this frame so that your marriage (or future marriage) will fit into God’s frame. Your wife or future wife desires these qualities because she desires someone stronger than her who will lead her. These tests are sometimes difficult to endure, but that’s why you are a man. You are built to endure them. As King David said, “Prove yourself a man!” (1Kg 2.2)

A godly alpha male with the right relationship to beta qualities is not machoism or machismo (as I mentioned in another letter). This type of man can be humble and quiet because he is confident and doesn’t always have to prove himself to everyone. Women see it when it is there. They know the difference between a squirrely man and a strong, quiet man. And they know the difference between a pompous windbag who tries to come across as an alpha and a true alpha who is not so insecure that he has to be loud and boisterous.

Cultivate all of these qualities. Where you see weaknesses on the alpha or beta side, focus on those weaknesses and develop them. If you don’t see weaknesses, have a close male friend point them out to you without getting offended. “Faithful are the wounds of a friend.…” (Prov 27.6) “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of a friend.” (Prov 27.17) Don’t be afraid of critique. Don’t back off where you know you are right, but don’t be too proud to admit where you are wrong. True alphas … that is to say, godly men … are confident enough in who they are and want to improve that they can take personal critique from someone who loves them, someone whom they can trust has the best in mind for them. Books are good to help you, but those authors don’t know you. People with whom you share personal relationships do know you.

Continue to grow.

*Simp – sometimes used for “simpleton.” Used in manosphere to speak of someone who believes becoming whatever the woman wants you to be and doing all that you want her to do will get you the sex you desire.