Dear Young Lady,
King Solomon writes the book of Proverbs to his son, the prince. The king-in-waiting needs wisdom, the ability to see how the world is supposed to be combined with skills to put the world in proper order. This was the original man’s responsibility as well. Unlike the original man, Solomon’s son will have battles with sin that complicate and intensify the challenges that the first man faced.
While much of Solomon’s reign reflected the meaning of his name, “peace,” kings must always be prepared for battle. Because kings such as Solomon’s father, David, were great warriors, you might think that Solomon would spend a great deal of time instructing in the art of war, such as Sun Tzu teaches. Armies from other lands were constantly threatening the country’s integrity, and the king’s responsibility was to lead the armies in protecting the homeland. For example, we might expect battlefield strategies to take down the Philistines as David did. Solomon touches on that here and there, but that is not a significant focus. He prepares his son for battle, but it is a different sort of battle, a battle which, in some respects, is much more strenuous than a fight with a Philistine giant. This battle is with himself as he fights off the power of a woman. Solomon lost this battle. 1Kings 11.1-3 says that Solomon gave his heart in love to many foreign women who turned his heart from Yahweh. Whether he wrote his proverbial instructions before or after he repented in his later life, I do not know. But Solomon was obviously well acquainted with the power of women.
Of all the opponents Solomon could have chosen and trained his son to battle, he homes in on Harlot Folly. There are allusions to her throughout, but he dedicates almost all of chapters 5 and 7 to her, with allusions to her in chapter 6.
Why?
Solomon’s son is a new Adam. As an Adam, he has a mission to build a house for God. That is, Adam is commissioned by God to develop the world, making it better than it is and more than it is. He is to build a family and societies. He is to build physical structures as well as cultures. As I mentioned in a previous letter about the woman as a helper, the man could not do this alone. He needed a helper comparable or suitable to him (Gen 2.18-25). For the original Adam, the Father provided a wife without Adam having to make any choices. (Adam’s surgery was kind but, maybe, nonelective surgery.) Solomon’s son is in a much more complex world because mankind has matured through fruitfulness and multiplication and because sin now complicates our choices. The world is not filled only with Ladies Wisdom, good, godly women, from which he can choose only based on personal attraction and gifts that will complement his own. Harlots Folly are all around, vying for the young man’s attention for various nefarious reasons. There are two broad categories of women out there now, Wisdom and Folly, godly and ungodly, and both are extremely powerful. Each is powerful enough to make or break him, to help him accomplish his mission of building God’s house or tearing it down (Prov 14.1). The son’s fundamental choice will involve discerning between Folly and Wisdom.
Not all women are his opponents. Harlot Folly is his opponent. However, all women have the same power. Harlot Folly uses her power to destroy. Lady Wisdom uses her power to build.
What is this power of women? Several powers could be explored, but Solomon spends a great deal of time focused on the woman’s superpower: her sexual agency. Women don’t generally have the physical strength to overcome a man. Men are, on average, much stronger than women physically. Women are the weaker vessel (1Pt 3.7; this means more than physical strength, but it most certainly includes it). But to mistake the lack of physical prowess for powerlessness is an enormous error. Power comes in different forms. And make no mistake about it, young lady, you are powerful.
Speaking of sexual agency as your superpower doesn’t minimize your intellect or skills. As portrayed in Proverbs 31, Lady Wisdom is wise; she has intellect and skills in business and craft that are quite spectacular and productive. Her active wisdom is a major reason why her husband is elevated to a prominent position in government (Pr 31.23). She has helped him build his house. Developing your skills, intellect, and good work ethic should be your pursuit.
When I speak of your sexual agency being your superpower, I am referring primarily to your superpower with men. As I will discuss more fully in another letter dealing with hypergamy, men are not attracted to you because you have advanced degrees or are a powerful businesswoman. In reality, those achievements may be a turn-off for men. No, it is not because men are weak and shallow or because they can’t handle a “powerful woman” as Feminism has come to define “powerful woman.” Your sexual agency superpower is rooted in our created intersexual purpose. Your sexual power is not a superpower in itself. It is powerful in relation to men.
Our sexual desires are rooted in our created purpose as males and females. We share the same general purpose, dominion through being fruitful and multiplying, but each of us contributes to this mission differently. Our sex drives are not merely chemical-biological reactions that exist apart from a God-given purpose. Our sex drives correspond to and are integral to our mission as mankind.
The drive for sex and the pleasure associated with having that appetite fulfilled are rooted in a more fundamental hunger to be lovingly united with someone of the opposite sex in a fruitful relationship. Fruitfulness includes children but is not exclusive to it. Because we are created as the image of a God who exists as Three-in-One, a Trinity or tri-unity, we have the need to be intimately joined to other humans. We can experience this unity through various relationships. Close friends or a good church community can satisfy some of that need. The fundamental unity created in the beginning was between a man and a woman. There is an intimacy in the covenant of marriage that cannot be experienced in other relationships. One reason for this is that marriage is a sexual relationship in which the man and woman become one flesh. We are driven to experience this sexual intimacy because we hunger for the depth of this unique unity.
The sexual drive for one another is, among other things, that deep longing to know and be known by another, to be naked and unashamed, for someone to know us in our nakedness—physical and psychological—and to be fully loved and accepted. I believe that this is one reason why the sexual relationship in Scripture is often described as “knowing” another person. “Now Adam knew his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain…” (Gen 4.1). God is not using a euphemism. Scriptural writers are quite capable of using pretty blunt language. “Knowing” as sexual intercourse speaks to the depth of the relationship. Because of sin, we are afraid to be known. We fear we will be laughed at, rejected, or shamed in the presence of others. Because of this, some avoid any chance of going this deep with someone, or they expose themselves to too many people sexually, hoping that someone will love them.
Both men and women want this relationship. Our sex drives, though quite different in many ways, drive us toward this aim. This loving, one-flesh relationship produces the fruit of joy, contentment, and, Lord willing, children. This is one aspect of our purpose, our mission. We are created with the desire to have more and be more, and this is realized, in part, through sexual relationships. God gave us our sex drives to complete the mission.
Sex drives are powerful in both men and women but in different ways. Both men and women have power with the opposite sex because of our sex-specific drives. Because of sin, both use their sexual powers to manipulate and use the other sex for various selfish reasons.
Men and women are both tempted to misuse their power. Men give “love” to have sex. Women give sex to be loved. We have complementary needs, and both sexes know how to manipulate the other to get what they want from the other.
Some men play on a woman’s need to feel loved through an emotional connection to have sex with her. A man will lie to a woman in word, deed, or unspoken promise that he will protect and provide for her so that he can have sex with her. You must be on guard against men who want sex without covenant commitment. Some men will use you to satisfy their physical urges and then leave you.
Men aren’t the only ones who have sexual power. In fact, in the sexual power department—that is, helping to create desire and drive in the opposite sex—women tend to be much more powerful. The power disparity comes from the fact that a man’s sex drive is strong and constant. A woman’s drive tends to cycle with her monthly cycle. A woman’s sex drive is generally strongest around ovulation because her sex drive is tied to her mission to have children, the part of the dominion mission only she can complete. Men don’t cycle. Testosterone, the hormone that helps create the sex drive in men, stays constant, only declining slightly as they age. Men tend to be sexually charged consistently. There is no time of the month when men aren’t interested.
This constant fire in men is one reason the sexual power of women is so strong. He is always thinking about sex. (Well, if not always, then quite often.) The fire is already there. Any real or perceived sexual stimulus, either visually or in a gesture that hints at sexual satisfaction, is gasoline. He doesn’t need much encouragement.
You know this. All women know this innately. Some women will use this power over men to get what they want outside and in marriage.
Instagram is full of “models” who aren’t flashing their STEM degrees to grab attention from men. OnlyFans thirst traps are not separating beta simps from their money through instructional videos on how to fix a transmission. Paige Spiranic and Oliva Dunn aren’t attracting male fans because of their respective golf swing and gymnastic athleticism. The aspiring actresses who slept with Harvey Weinstein knew how to use what they had to get the opportunities they wanted. (Yes, I know Weinstein was a pig, a boar, but the women who slept with him voluntarily were sows who used their sexual agency for promotion. No matter how much they regretted it later and claimed victim status, they could have walked away. There would have been a cost to their career, to be sure, but they made a choice. They bear responsibility.) Even Vice President Harris kickstarted her political career by “sleeping her way to the top.” One dance by a young girl before King Herod resulted in the beheading of John the Baptizer (Matt 14.1-12).
Women know they have this special power with men. They know it is their greatest power with men. They may find it disgusting or regret it later, but they know it is power. Women know that men are vulnerable to this power no matter how physically or socially powerful they may be. Samson defeated thousands of Philistine warriors, but it only took one Delilah to defeat him.
The power of sexual agency is used by women even in political protests. Men generally incite and promote violence. Women take off their clothes. This is true not only in America but internationally. One website that promotes this is femen.org. In their “about us” section, they say of their cohort, “Our Mission is protest. Our Weapon are bare breasts.” In 2016, one hundred women showed up at the Republican National Convention to protest Donald Trump. How did they protest? Nudity. The BLM riots in Portland are infamous for the “Naked Athena,” who posed in the middle of the street with nothing on but her skin, as Samwise Gamgee would say. I’m not providing links for these and others because I don’t want to promote them. They are consistently in news articles from around the world. It is as if all women, no matter their culture, know that one of their greatest powers with men is their sexual agency. It seems silly to take off your clothes to protest, but when you are desperate, you usually resort to what you believe is your greatest strength to fight. Women know that their sexual agency is their greatest strength with men, so they resort to it even if it doesn’t make sense to do so in these contexts.
I must add that some women hate themselves and their sexual power. They go to the opposite extreme. They don’t want to be attractive to men. They go “butch” or “frump” in an attempt to repel men. Often, this stems from anger with a man, most likely a father, who neglected or abused them. Maybe they were sexually abused, and the thought of sexual intimacy drives them to the opposite extreme. Some may have experienced rejection from men several times and decided that the work wasn’t worth the payoff. Still others may have to work harder because of body type to attract men and become sloths in developing their femininity. However, even this extreme reaction proves the point. Women know their sexual power, and they are willing to mutilate themselves in order not to be sexually attractive.
The power of female sexual agency is not a bad thing. This power is God-given and is, therefore, good in itself. However, to quote Peter Parker’s uncle Ben, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Many women today want the power but not the responsibility. It doesn’t work that way. Where God gives you power, he also gives you responsibility. You must be careful with your power both outside of and in marriage. Sex must not be used as a manipulation tool or bargaining chip with your boyfriend or husband.
You must control your power and not give it up before marriage. For good men (and by that, I mean godly, masculine men), the anticipation of sex will drive them to do whatever it takes to be in a good, godly sexual relationship. If he knows that he needs to be a mature man who can lead, protect, and provide before he can have sex, then he will develop himself to do so. Women who have sex with men before marriage lose a great deal of their power to help the man move to where he needs to be a good husband.
Some women will hear this and react, “So, you’re saying that all of men’s sexual sins and their lack of maturity are women’s fault?!” No, that’s not what I’m saying. One major theme Solomon emphasizes with his son in dealing with women is self-discipline. Men must discipline themselves to the point that even if a woman throws herself at him as Potiphar’s wife did with Joseph, he can resist. Men have a responsibility to discipline their passions. But the entirety of responsibility is not on men. Women have a responsibility as well. No, you can’t control how men will react to everything you wear or your gestures, but you can avoid being provocative and playing around with men through flirting or immodesty (which I will explore in the next letter). You can’t intentionally throw gas on a fire and take no responsibility for a raging wildfire. (By the way, to fuel the flames and then play dumb about it is sinful.) Your power is not to be used irresponsibly to play around with men’s sexual passions, just as men are not to use their physical power to subdue you. You may not like it, but you live in a world where you must relate to men. Your God-given responsibilities are to accept this relationship, understand your obligations, and act accordingly. So, no, you can’t dress or act any way you want in public and before men and claim that if they have a problem with that, then that is their problem. You wouldn’t accept that it would be your problem if men exposed themselves to you all the time as “self-expression” and claimed that if you have a problem with that, then that is your problem. We have mutual responsibilities toward one another and must take those responsibilities seriously.
Within marriage, you have power and responsibility as well. Paul lays this out quite clearly in 1Corinthians 7.1-5: “Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: ‘It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.’ But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
In marriage, each spouse has authority over the other spouse’s body. Paul’s context deals specifically with sexual authority. This means that your husband will have sexual authority over your body, and you will have sexual authority over his. Considering everything I have said, you take your superpower into marriage. Many men and marriages are brought to their knees because of the misuse of a woman’s sexual authority. (Yes, it can also happen with men, but I’m not addressing men in this letter.) Women will manipulate and bargain with husbands promising sex if they do this or that. This puts the husband in a bad position so that he has a choice to become a weak, begging man (whom you will then not respect and desire) or give up on marriage sex and either suffer in silence or go looking somewhere else. The lack of sex in marriage doesn’t excuse adultery, but it increases the temptation and, thus, the possibility. Paul mentions the fact that neglect of sex within marriage leads to temptation. Your power is to be used to meet your husband’s needs, not to get what you think you want out of him, rewarding him like a pet when he does your bidding.
Sexual infidelity is not limited to having sex outside the bounds of the marriage covenant. Voluntarily rejecting sex in marriage is also sexual infidelity. God’s law says that the lack of sex within marriage is a proper ground for divorce (Exod 21.7-11).
The Corinthians were having a problem insisting on their rights and misusing their liberty instead of living a cruciform life, a life that serves others as Christ served us. Paul applies that cruciform life to the marriage bed. You must give your life for your spouse. Sometimes you’re “not feeling it,” but because your husband has needs, you do it anyway. (The same may be true in reverse as well.) You might discover that your husband will be a much better husband if you are willing to serve him in this way.
“But I want to feel emotionally connected before I have sex.” I understand that. And, yes, your husband should be connecting with you emotionally as much as possible. But that is not always going to be ideal. What’s more, you will get to his emotions through sex. Men connect emotionally through physical acts. Sex is one way to be emotionally connected.
There are legitimate reasons why you may not be able to have sexual relations with your husband. There may be an illness, fatigue, inability, or that time of the month (though the last one you would need to discuss with your husband). I am speaking of not wanting to do it because you don’t want to. Feminism has preached that serving the needs of a man, sexually or otherwise, is demeaning. “You are being used.” The Scriptures say that serving the needs of your husband reflects the love of Christ to your husband.
If you use your power with him to manipulate and serve yourself, you are acting sinfully. Sin never produces anything good. You will either have an emasculated or angry, aloof husband. It’s a recipe for a bad marriage.
The power of your sexual agency is most potent when you are young, usually at its peak in your twenties. Your sexual agency diminishes over time, especially when you are not married. In marriage, your power can grow even as your outward beauty fades. Proverbs 31.30 says, “beauty is vapor” (not “vain”). That means it vanishes over time. Just as the power of men, their physical strength, fades over time, so the superpower of women, their sexual agency, fades over time. This means that you need to invest your power early in a good marriage and use that power with your husband so that it will be fruitful in the long run. As you use your power wisely, even as your sexual agency fades, your other feminine powers will increase so that your children will rise up and call you “blessed,” and your husband will praise you (Prov 31.28).
Sincerely,
Pastor Smith
