A man has joy by the answer of his mouth, and a word in its time, how good!
~Proverbs 15.23
Communication is an art. We all begin as three-year-old finger painters with little control over our minds and bodies so the art we produce, though appropriate for a young age, reveals that we have a long way to go to become da Vinci. As we grow we move to the paint-by-numbers pictures where everything is laid out neat and tidy. The predetermined outline is sketched out and only needs to be filled in with the colors in the spaces matching each number. If you follow the detailed directions, your finished project will look a great deal like the picture on the box in which your canvas was purchased.
Developing skills to paint freehand takes a great deal of time, effort, and training from masters (mixed, of course, with natural talent). To look at an image and reproduce it on canvas or imagine an image and bring it to life through various colors and shades is not the skill of a toddler. It is the mature fruit of perseverance in learning the craft.
Learning how to speak is relatively easy. Little children do it all the time. Learning how to speak well, to speak artistically, that’s not so easy. We would rather stick with the paint by numbers where all the lines are clear, the picture is predetermined, and, if you follow a set of black-and-white rules, everything works out to look like the picture on the box. However, growing in wisdom demands that we move past the paint-by-numbers approach to communication, learning how to create beautiful situations by speaking appropriately. Wisdom is a master craftsman, an artist (Pr 8.30), and Wisdom speaks artfully.
Speaking appropriately is not limited to a simple “truth vs. error,” paint-by-numbers approach to every situation in life. Appropriate speech considers context so that what is said is just right for the occasion. It is timely. It fits. Before he speaks, the communication artist asks, “Where am I? What’s the occasion? To whom am I speaking?” He knows that there are appropriate ways that a husband and wife speak in private that are not fitting around the children or in other public settings. He knows that there are ways you speak among men that you don’t speak in intersexual contexts. There are ways to speak on the job, and there are ways to speak in worship. There are ways to speak when someone is grieving and ways to speak when someone has received good news.
These communication skills come with maturity; maturity that is learned through watching and learning from others and their successes and failures as well as learning from your own successes and embarrassing moments. Being socially and mentally lazy, arising out of a sloth that cares nothing for others and creating the peace God has called us to produce, develops speakers who create tension and havoc because they “speak their minds” no matter the situation. Their words, while they may be technically “right,” are highly inappropriate for the situation.
When evaluating whether or not to speak and, if you are going to speak, what you are going to say and how you are going to say it, your questions should not only involve, “Is this correct?” but also, “Is this the best thing to say at this time?” If it is the right thing to say at that time, what is the best way to say what needs to be said? What is your relationship with this person? Are you close friends, acquaintances, or strangers? Have you earned the right to say this to this person by developing trust? Are you dealing with an inferior in age or rank, a superior, or a peer? Does this need to be said in this setting around everyone, or should I speak to him in private?
All of this requires actual human interaction so that you can take in the full experience of human communication. Communication is not limited to the transference of words from one brain to another. Communication involves emotions and affections and understanding non-verbal responses. With the advent and rise of social media, we have both increased and limited interaction. We have increased words and exposure, but we have limited the full range of communication.
A guy can sit in a basement and type out all sorts of ideas about how things ought to be, creating his own little utopian vision of reality. He gets a number of “likes” and “shares,” gains an audience, and remains as much a dullard in terms of understanding what is appropriate as ever. Because he limits his actual human interaction, he doesn’t know what is appropriate because he is living inside his own head and not interacting with actual people. Theologians have done this. We call this “ivory tower theology.” Political pundits have done this. We call this “disaster.”
Learning to speak appropriately begins by keeping your mouth shut and humbly studying those who are skilled. You don’t have to insert yourself in every conversation. Before you speak, consider all the questions mentioned earlier about your context. Study how to answer.
Speaking appropriately is not about superficial social graces (as if having social graces is merely superficial). We develop the art of speaking appropriately because our God-given mission is to create peace. Our tongues are to be healing tongues, a tree of life (Pr 15.4). Sometimes what is appropriate is a hard word that cuts for the purpose of healing. Sometimes an appropriate word is a soft answer that doesn’t needlessly stir up wrath (Pr 15.1). All of our words are aimed at shalom, peace, setting people in a right relationship with God and one another.
As a good student of Wisdom, learn how to speak words that fit the occasion.
