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By In Family and Children

The Case for Keeping Children in Worship, Intro

I want to appeal to evangelicals who do not accept the premise that children belong in worship with adults. Now, I grant that I am in the minority position here. The majority of evangelicals may find the idea of children in worship from beginning to end a rather strange concept and so I want to tread cautiously. Some are legitimately intrigued by the idea but find the practicalities of it unsustainable. And, we should also affirm the obvious legitimacy of the need for places where nursing, comforting, disciplining can take place.

To elaborate further, over the years I have heard parents offer at least four arguments against keeping children in worship with them on Sunday. First, some will argue, “I can’t keep my children quiet during worship, therefore I don’t see the need to keep them with me.” The argument posits that the demands of disciplining and watching over little ones during the worship service ultimately does not bear any benefits.

Second, some will state, “I am not going to get anything out of the service if I am constantly distracted by them.” This is a variation of the first argument, but it adds that since the sermon is the central element of worship, keeping children in worship takes our attention away from the preached Word.

Third, a few will express a more didactic concern that keeping kids in worship with parents is a waste of time since they will get nothing out of it. “They are, after all, children, and lack the capacity to grasp the language of a worship service.” Therefore, there is a need for a more child-appropriate classroom setting. This is likely the more common argument and one based on concern for the learning process of children.

Finally, at a more pragmatic level, I am aware of evangelical parents who view Sunday morning as a day to relax from parental duties and catch up with church friends, so putting kids in children’s worship provides the needed rest for weary parents. This is not based on selfishness, but a real need to fellowship with other saints which is a biblical imperative.

I am certain there are additional reasons, but these are a few that I hope to tackle in upcoming posts in the hope of beginning a conversation on why I and so many others have faithfully kept our children in worship Sunday after Sunday until they leave the home.

I don’t want to minimize these concerns, but I do wish to say that the experience of many of us has been overwhelmingly positive. In my denomination, this premise is accepted universally, but for those outside such traditions I want to at least make the case that the fruit of seeing our little ones grow up worshiping next to us and singing our songs and confessing sins have brought a greater value to worship, provided unity in liturgical language, consistency in habits of piety, and abundant joy to family conversations around a meal.

My initial premise is that when conversing with parents that are skeptical about the above proposition, we need an extra dose of grace and we must refuse to treat the process as if it were some “walk in the park “(which incidentally is also quite hard with little kids), but to affirm the inherent difficulties of raising little ones in the nurture and admonition of the Lord in the worship of the Lord. I also hope to make these short notes accessible so you can pass them to friends as conversation starters, and hopefully conclude with some practical steps for applying these principles peacefully in congregations where this is not practiced.

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By In Family and Children

America’s Young Adults and How They Were Formed

Parents born in the 70’s are now seeing their young adult children enjoy the benefits of “autonomous zones” and self-made victimization. It must be rewarding to such fathers who spent most of their days working long hours in the office away from the family, spending a lot of time with their pals drinking beer and watching football while their new wives were home caring for newborns and keeping the house in some form of stability, establishing himself in his royal throne at home after a long day and keeping the children content with their tablets and unending cycle of entertainment, demanding and protesting when dinner was not served at the right time or the children would not respond politely. How did that work out for you?

Your children have become you! Except, now they have the entire vocabulary of a nation plunged into wokedom, catechized under political correctness, politicized under cool categories like “socialism” and “feel the bern.” Those young adults are the direct descendants of inattentive fathers who chose their own pleasures above the needs of their children and the regular inconveniences they offer us.

A friend of mine was once told: “I would die to have children like yours,” to which he replied, “That’s exactly what I do daily…die.”

God will not judge us, fathers, for the rest we take, the games we watch, or even the late hours we may take occasionally. He will judge us, however, for seeing all these things as noble substitutes for parenting well and faithfully.

So, to those far off, I urge you fathers to grab that prodigal son by the hairs of his baptism and tell him that you love him, pray for him, and confess your failures. Perhaps, and just perhaps, that might be the beginning of a new relationship.

As for the dads dying daily, don’t grow weary in well doing. And never believe for a moment that your children are first and foremost proud of your professionalism; they are proud of a father who kisses them and makes them feel possessed by love.

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By In Family and Children, Theology

Safe Is the New Saved

Guest Post by Rob Hadding

As a young father, I considered keeping my family safe my chief duty. Reflecting on my track record a few years ago, I noted that in our family there had been no hospitalizations, no broken bones, not even stitches. Among my proudest paternal memories was the time my oldest daughter chided one of her siblings, “That’s not safe!” Not only had I done my job, but I had also adequately catechized my children in the Western Confession of Safe.

“What is the chief end of man,” the first catechism question of the Shorter Catechism of this WCS reads. The answer? “The chief end of man is to glorify man and live as comfortably as possible for as long as possible.” Every other question serves only to support and magnify this one. And it seems that those trained in it are legion.

The virus known as COVID-19 has revealed our cultural and global obsession with safety. Fear has gripped an already-anxious society, and the only reasonable response to the existential threat (see question one of the WCSSC) is to take every imaginable precaution to stay safe. Our personal safety, and ostensibly the safety of others, is the new righteousness. Safe is the new saved. We are justified by safe alone. And we have quickly codified our new religion.

And, as is the case with all religions, rites, symbols, and language are indispensable in affirming and communicating the tenets of the faith. These, of course, all attained ubiquity in a matter of weeks. I’m not necessarily referring to masks and gloves, although some go the second mile by masking up while driving alone or are out for a walk through the neighborhood alone. I’m talking about the quick acceptance of accepting digital meetings as a reasonable substitute for in-person interactions, “smiling with your eyes” over your homemade mask, and exchanging the new benediction, “Stay safe!”

But the truth is that we are not safe. We have never been safe. The ratio of individuals to deaths is a solid 1:1. Some lives are very short; others are long. No matter how much we try as persons or as societies, the end of every human life is the same. And the day of your death is fixed by the One who created heaven and earth. He keeps you alive every day except one. This assertion is not an argument for carelessness or for being cavalier. Providence is no excuse for imprudence. Safety is an illusion, and an overwrought concern for safety is to misplace your faith. Do not fear COVID-19 that can destroy your body but cannot destroy your soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

To be human – truly human – is to live a life of risk. The world is a dangerous place. But we were made to take dominion over the dangerous world – not to make it safe, but to make it more glorious. The much-cited quotation from John A. Shedd is appropriate: “A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.” May my children benefit from my repentance, and live well. 

Rob Hadding is the pastor of Christ Church in Pace, Florida. He and his wife, Marty, have five increasingly dangerous children. 

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By In Family and Children

The World at Their Fingertips

Guest Post by Ron Gilley

Smartphones were turned loose on the world in 2007. How many of us have stopped to think that the average fifth grader has never known a world without smartphones? Today’s seventh graders were only two years old in 2007, so it is doubtful they can access much memory before smartphones. These children have always had the power of the internet and everything it brings with it right at their fingertips on their parents’ phones. Now they have it right in their back pockets because the average American child receives his first smartphone at the ripe old age of 10 (Psychology Today). As you might expect, that little number comes with some baggage.

Image result for image kid on cellphone

Technology is moving so fast that parents often do not have time to get their minds around one gadget or game or social media craze before the next one has kidnapped their child’s attention. Don’t think it is any easier for school teachers and administrators either. Even though student cell phones must be in the backpack, in the locker, and turned off at Trinitas, the residual effect smartphones are having on school culture isn’t so residual. The age group from 10 to 15 years old is the hardest hit because they are not mentally, emotionally, or socially prepared to navigate the enormous responsibilities that come with having a smartphone and the data plan to go with it.

Some estimates are that teens spend six to nine hours a day on their phones (Psychology Today). This kind of usage could be considered addiction (or idolatry). Many parents are harrumphing right now because they cannot imagine how their child could spend that much time on his or her phone. I’ll tell you how: they aren’t sleeping! (The Conversation) Just recently a group of pre-teen boys told me that they regularly wake up at 2am to play Fortnite. One of the boys was sheepish about not being allowed to play until 8am; the others teased him.

The boys aren’t the only ones affected, though. Girls are also sleeping less while spending more time on their phones than on any other activity. For girls, it isn’t gaming that interests them; instead, it is searching for acceptance on social media. Jean Twenge, Ph. D., writes in Psychology Today:

… we found that social media use was significantly correlated with depression for girls … Developmentally, girls are more concerned with physical appearance and social popularity than boys are. Social media is a showcase of those issues, even quantifying them in numbers of likes and followers. Girls also spend more time on social media.

As it turns out, girls’ reactions to how they are perceived on social media can be dangerous. In fact, self-harm among girls between the ages of 10 and 14 has tripled since 2009. And by self-harm, I mean cutting or poisoning or something else serious enough for an ER visit. In short, our teenage daughters are looking for love in all the wrong places and are hurting themselves when they don’t find it (Psychology Today).

As a parent talking to other parents, I want to ask you a few questions. Does your child really need a cell phone, especially a smartphone, before he or she is driving? Does your teenage son or daughter have unrestricted access to the internet? Does he or she keep the phone in the bedroom? Do you have a way to check what the phone is being used for?

I firmly believe we are giving our children far too much freedom on the internet before they are mature enough to handle it. The effects on our culture are widespread, of epidemic proportions really. It is a disaster we are bringing on our own children. And why? For what reason? If our best answer is that everyone else is doing it and we can’t bear to tell our children no, then we need to carefully count the costs because they are high. I have only scratched the surface in this little blog. I encourage parents to do their own research. It will be well worth your time.

Mr. Ron Gilley is the headmaster at Trinitas Christian School in Pensacola, Fl. This post was originally posted here and used by permission.

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By In Family and Children, Men

The Father-Leader

The Faith of our Children

I sat across the table from a father holding his beautiful five-month-old daughter. On my lap, I have my own infant son and another of mine, a toddler, underfoot. Somewhere in between the prattling about of these tiny humans, we were actually able to get a few complete thoughts out. Through the years, one particular thought has come up in our conversations over and over again, “what can we do to ensure our children stay in the faith?” Neither of us was raised by what we would call Christian fathers. We both came to Christ in high school in the context of a public school Bible club and youth group. Back then, we would lament the milquetoast Christianity of those raised in the church. Perhaps it was “old hat” to them or they had just spent years going through the motions – and now they felt no sense of urgency. Or they didn’t share our sense of urgency.

Now both of us went on to marry virtuous women raised in the church – both of the Reformed tradition. And the Lord has blessed us with Children to lead and guide in the way. I explained to my fellow father, how my wife and I had our son in a Christian School. I shouted to our five-year-old at the other end of the dining table, asking him to recite the scriptures he had been memorizing the week before. As if somehow this answered the question weighing on our hearts. The Christian School will certainly help my children learn scripture, discipline their habits, and train them in a variety of academic disciplines, but it will never replace the single greatest influence on my child’s future trajectory: their father.

A Father’s Lasting Influence

Christian Father Fatherhood Leadership DadIt’s not hard to see how much influence a father has on his child’s future. From a worldly perspective, this is often referred to as the “birth lottery.” Writing for Business Insider, Alison Griswold writes, “the amount of money people make is strongly predicted by what their parents earn…” Even in an age of unprecedented social mobility, a father can significantly determine one’s potential opportunities for education, friends, a spouse, and jobs. What college you end up at or who your wife might be, is nearly predetermined by the circumstances created by your father.

Just as fathers play a significant role in determining the worldly circumstances by which children leave the household and enter society, so to do fathers determine the spiritual circumstances by which children enter the faith. The Book of Proverbs takes this a step further to say that the crown of a father is not his children, but his grandchildren. “Children’s children are the crown of old men,” (Proverbs 17:6). A father’s impact is then not merely on his immediate children, but multigenerational. To be a father is to represent the trajectory of an entire lineage. Certainly, the reader can see that the father is an important role which can either bring forth a series of covenantal blessings or a generational disaster. It is for this reason that every father that calls himself a Christian must be wholly committed to the success of his wife, his children, and his grandchildren.

Christian Father Fatherhood Leadership Dad

The Father’s Commitment

This commitment to the success of your family is a discipline and habit. It requires the grace of God and a spirit of humility. God’s grace isn’t infused on passive men but requires men to submit and obey the Lord. Grace is free, but not painless. As Flannery O’Connor rightly quipped, “All human nature vigorously resists grace because grace changes us and the change is painful.” This is why St. Paul encourages you to, “work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.” (Philippians 2:12) As a father, I have often failed to meet what I understood to be my fatherly obligations. I am often impatient with my wife and children, imprudent with my time, and selfish with my resources. Do not despair. The conviction here is God’s means of renewing his call for you to lead your family. Acknowledge to God and to your family that you have not been the father and leader that our Lord expected you to be. Explain that you truly desire their success. Wives and children need to know that you love and need them.

The Father-Leader Explained

Christian Father Fatherhood Leadership DadA father-leader must recognize that his family is an essential part of his own salvation. He needs the prayers of his wife and children. He needs their gifts and even their weaknesses. The wife and children the Lord has given you are part of God’s plan of forming you into the image of his Son, therefore the father-leader must recognize where his family is going and be patient. I often remark that my sins are most evident in the sins of my children. Fathers should then look at our sins as a clue to where our children will also struggle. This is why it is so important that Fathers are working out their own issues, so as to avoid their owns sins being, “visited unto the third and fourth generation.” To avoid passing on their sins as their children’s inheritance.

Father-leaders reject that they are fathers by the mere happenstance of biological functions, but see their role as ordained by the sovereign God. Yet this does not mean that he should demand or expect immediate results. A relationship of influence is a privilege that a father must earn, guard, and protect by investing in life-long relationships with each member of his family. This requires time, sacrifice, patience, and humility as you continue to demonstrate your commitment to your family. Your family wants to see in you a certain consistency that they can count on. Commitments must be evident, your wife and children know what it means to be “on your calendar.” They can see how you treat those whom you respect and honor. If raising faithful children is important to you, then you must strive to be more than a sperm-donor and more than a financier of food, lodging, and clothing – you must be a leader demonstrating his commitment to his children by fulfilling his God-given responsibility to lead his family.

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By In Theology, Worship

10 Questions Preachers Should Ask Before Sunday Morning

I have been a pastor for almost a decade. I spend between 12-15 hours each week thinking, researching, and writing before I deliver the first words in my Sunday sermon.a The process of writing my sermon goes through a lengthy journey each week. I contemplate several questions from Monday to Friday which force me to edit and re-edit my manuscript. There is no perfect sermon, but a sermon that goes through revisions and asks import questions has a much better chance of communicating with clarity than the self-assured preacher who engages the sermonic task with nothing more than academic lenses.

I have compiled a list of ten questions I ask myself each week at some point or another.

Question #1: Is this language clear? When you write a manuscript ( as I do) you have an opportunity to carefully consider the language you use. I make a habit of reading my sermon out loud which leads me to realize that certain phrases do not convey the idea clearly. A well-written sermon does not necessarily mean a well-delivered sermon. Reading my sermons out loud causes me to re-write and look for other ways to explain a concept or application more clearly.

Question #2: Is there a need to use high theological language in this sermon? Seminary graduates are often tempted to use the best of their training in the wrong environment. People are not listening to you to hear your theological acumen. I am well aware that some in the congregation would be entirely comfortable with words like perichoresis and Arianism. I am not opposed to using high theological discourse. Words like atonement, justification, sanctification are biblical and need to be defined. But extra-biblical terms and ideologies should be employed sparingly. Much of this can be dealt in a Sunday School class or other environments. High theological language needs to be used with great care, and I think it needs to be avoided as much as possible in the Sunday sermon.

Question #3: Can I make this sermon even shorter? As I read my sermons each week, I find that I can cut a paragraph or two easily, or depending on how long you preach, perhaps an entire page. This is an important lesson for new preachers: not everything needs to be said. Shorter sermons–which I strongly advocateb–force you to say what’s important and keep some of your research in the footnotes where it belongs. Preachers need to learn what to prioritize in a sermon so as not to unload unnecessary information on their parishioners. (more…)

  1. Thankful for great interactions before this article was published. It helped sharpen my points  (back)
  2. By this I mean sermons no longer than 30 minutes  (back)

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By In Culture, Family and Children

Mutilating A Daughter

mosque graphhic

Illustration by Laurel Lynn Leake

About a month ago, This American Life ran a story that gave me the biggest lump in my throat and painful knots in my stomach. It was the story of a young woman who discovered she was the victim of female genital mutilation.

(more…)

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By In Books, Culture, Family and Children

The Glass Castle: How to “Skedaddle” Through Life

Jeannette Walls

Jeannette Walls

 

The Glass Castle is the compelling memoir of Jeannette Walls. Written in 2005, The Glass Castle follows the various exploits of a family’s drunken father and free-spirit mother. As of last month, Lionsgate began filming a Hollywood adaption of the book. The movie is anticipated for release in 2017 featuring Brie Larson (who also starred in the critically acclaimed “Room” in 2015), Naomi Watts, and Woody Harrelson. The book exposes the cultural challenges of the post-modern family and the vulnerabilities of a family outside of the Christian Church. The morality of “independence” is challenged as the memoir painfully connects “free spirit” parenting to neglected, abused, and resentful children. (more…)

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By In Family and Children

Honor God with Your Body

Guest Post Lindsey Tollefson

I am making a new rule in our house! We are actually kind of skimpy on the house rules.  I try very hard to keep things simple: love God, love others, and be joyful.  It’s not complicated to avoid discipline here.  But I have found myself repeating this new rule over and over again: honor God with your body.  I suppose it falls right under the rule to love God, but when I phrase it this way it keeps our correction short and easy and obvious.

No spitting at your sister!
Why did God give you a tongue?
Answer: To taste delicious food.

Honor God with your tongue. Honor God with your body.

No hitting your sister!
Why did God give you hands?
Answer: To help others.
Honor God with your hands.  Honor God with your body

No stomping your feet!
Why did God give you feet?
Answer: To walk and run and dance
Honor God with your feet

No yelling!
Why did God give you a voice?
Answer: To sing and praise Him
Honor God with your voice.

It’s really all the same rule.  Isn’t that the way rules should be?  We are just using them to maintain a certain standard, the standard of serving Christ.  I want my children to think of their bodies as gifts, as temples of the Holy Spirit, that they have been given responsibility for, to use to honor God.  At their age, honoring God with their body means things like no spitting, no yelling, no fits, no hitting, no pulling hair, no sitting on each other.  I want them to make the connection (and it is an easy one) that their bodies are given to them for a purpose and it is very possible and very easy to misuse our bodies.

Of course the best way for them to learn this is for them to see me using my body to honor God, using my hands to serve instead of take, my energy to give instead of for my own hobbies, my voice to encourage and sing and tell stories instead of criticize, my imagination to create things for them instead of worrying about them.

Why did God give me a body?  What does He want me to do with it? Why a brain and an imagination and a back and a stomach and teeth and a tongue and feet and hands and hips and why are my arms so strangely long?  It doesn’t take much work to think of all the ways I can honor God with those things, instead of thinking of those things as ways to serve myself or of trying to preserve my body like a porcelain doll.  God gave it to me to use and to use up until it is gone.  This new rule is just as much for me as it is for the children.  We are all learning to honor God with our bodies.

Originally published at Theopolis

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By In Family and Children

Moralizing our Children?

Guest post by Pastor Mark Jones

As I think about Ephesians 6:1-3, a number of questions come to mind concerning the way I treat my children (ages: 4, 4, 7, 9).

 This post does not in fact aim to raise a challenge to Baptists, but rather to get Reformed Presbyterians to think through the implications of how we should read the Scriptures. There are the dangers of “hyper-covenantalism” and “hyper-conversionism” that nobody holds to in their own thinking, but we all know these people exist. How about the ubiquitous “middle-ground” for us as Presbyterians? What is it? I don’t know. But this post is an attempt to wrestle with the fact that we might, perhaps unwittingly, be guilty of moralism with regards to our children and the obedience we demand from them.
Does this command to children have any sort of indicative present, whether in the verse itself (“in the Lord”) or in the rest of the book (chs. 1-5)? If there is no indicative (i.e., what God has savingly done for these children), is this then a “bare command”?
When we read this verse to our children, do the principles regarding “good works” apply to them? Such as the principles found in WCF 16.3,
Their ability to do good works is not at all of themselves, but wholly from the Spirit of Christ. And that they may be enabled thereunto, besides the graces they have already received, there is required an actual influence of the same Holy Spirit to work in them to will and to do of his good pleasure…
Did Paul expect the children to obey their parents in the power of the Spirit or from their own natural strength? What type of obedience would he – and more importantly, God – have been pleased with? Mere outward conformity to a command or true obedience from the heart? I expect he had the latter in view when he wrote Ephesians 6:1, which has certain theological implications for how we apply the text.
If our children disobey us, and we then rebuke them, do we then call them to evangelical repentance (assuming they have the Spirit to do such) or to legal repentance (assuming they do not have the Spirit but must still “be sorry”)? (FYI, I call the Sikh players on my U10 soccer team to “legal” repentance when they harshly foul each other).
If our children repent, can we assure them that God has indeed forgiven them? Or, if they repent, should we simply be thankful they are sorry for being disobedient, but refrain from telling them their sins are forgiven when they ask God for forgiveness? I am curious what parents tell their young children when they repent and ask God for forgiveness. Personally, I assure them, as I do with anyone in the church, that God forgives the penitent.
My worry is this: if there is absolutely no indicative present in the command in Ephesians 6:1, am I guilty of moralism concerning my children when I tell them to obey me?
Or, as a father, can I command my children to obey me “in the Lord” because they are covenantally in the Lord, and thus part of the unity of the body (Eph. 4:1-16)? Can I appeal to God’s gracious acts towards them (chs. 1-5, e.g., Eph. 5:1-2) as the basis for why they must obey me? That is to say, they must be holy (Eph. 6:1-2) because they are holy (1 Cor. 7:14). The indicative leads to the imperative, not vice versa.
Assuming this latter model is correct, I am able to do three things:
1. Press home to my children the need for daily repentance (against a form of unhealthy presumption).
2. Press home to my children the grace of God, who willingly accepts those who repent and also rewards children for their obedience (Eph. 6:2-3).
3. Treat my children as Christians because that is how Paul treated the children in Ephesus, knowing of course that this judgment of charity is not infallible but answers to the promises of the covenant.
This way of raising our children also helps us to make sense of Colossians 3:20 where Paul writes: “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.”
Surely our children are able to please the Lord because they obey from a heart of faith (Rom. 14:23) with the power of the Spirit at work in them, just as husbands love their wives according to the same inward principles (Col. 3:19). Colossians 3:20 could be a sort of: God is pleased even when Muslim children obey their parents. But contextually – at least in Paul’s corpus – Paul has already said children are to obey “in the Lord” (Eph. 6:1), which means that a specific/particular type of “pleasing” is in view, namely: the pleasure God receives from the obedience of his people.
Ephesians 6:1 and Colossians 3:20 are thus consistent with the language of WCF 16:6,
Yet notwithstanding, the persons of believers being accepted through Christ, their good works also are accepted in him, not as though they were in this life wholly unblameable and unreprovable in God’s sight; but that he, looking upon them in his Son, is pleased to accept and reward that which is sincere, although accompanied with many weaknesses and imperfections.
In sum, I do not think the indicative-imperative model goes out of the window when it comes to our children. It was there in the Decalogue, and it has only been heightened in the New Covenant (Jn. 13:34). Paul addresses children as those who are “in the Lord” and, as such, expects them to obey based on the realities of being “in the Lord” (this is called “proper reception”).
For me as a Reformed pastor, the issue over whether our children are covenant children or not has major practical implications regarding the manner in which they are expected to obey their parents and how the relate to others.
Guest post by Mark Jones
Here’s a practical example: Having twin boys, aged 4, can I appeal to an indicative in order to drive home the imperative? If Matthew sins against Thomas, can I appeal to Thomas to forgive penitent Matthew, as Christ has forgiven him (Eph. 4:32)? Or should Thomas only forgive Matthew because it is the right thing to do? Does Eph. 4:32 have any real connection to Eph. 6:1? I think so.
If this is true, then Ephesians 3:19 is something my children are able to know and enjoy, which (contextually) is a type of love for God’s people and God’s people alone.
Far from ruling out the need for daily repentance, this view actually provides us with the proper grounds for which we constantly plead with our children, both at home and from the pulpit, that they, like us, must improve upon their baptism (WLC 167). They must never, ever presume upon the Lord’s grace which has been offered to them (Heb. 3:15).

This post was originally published at Ref21 and is used with permission here.

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