In this series: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6
The fifth duty of the assembly toward one another is to confront and forgive sin. No doubt, this is the requirement that causes the most consternation for Christians. Of all the duties listed in this series, this is the command that many churches neglect altogether. That shouldn’t be the case. Confronting sin is never fun or easy, but it is a command from God. We must obey it, and he will give us the strength to do so.
Step one: Keep it private
Consider the instruction from Jesus himself in Matthew 18.
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother (Matthew 18:15)
Jesus establishes that you are deputized to confront those who sin against you. If someone sins against you, you have the authority to go to them privately and try to make amends. The goal is for the offender to repent and for you to forgive him. The intent of this process is not to humiliate the offender, but to bring about reconciliation.
Popular belief would have you think that confronting sin is unloving and vindictive. But does that sound like something Jesus would approve of? No. Confronting sin is actually based on love. It is a good and gracious thing, and your demeanor must reflect that. You do not confront someone with anger and disrespect. You approach them with kindness and gentleness.
How should Matthew 18 work in practice? If a fellow assembly-member sins against you, you start by keeping it as quiet as possible. You’re supposed to deal with it privately, with that person alone. You should clearly explain your grievance, citing Bible verses as necessary. Ideally, the person will confess his fault and ask for your forgiveness. You must then forgive him (Matthew 18:22, Colossians 3:13).
Did you know that you have the power to forgive sins? You do (John 20:23). Once you do that, all is made well. The sin has been addressed and reconciliation has been accomplished. True forgiveness on your part means that you will no longer hold the sin against the person. It means that you will not report it to other people later. Forgiveness doesn’t eradicate consequences (e.g. you might not go back to being best friends with the person), but you must not have resentment toward them and you must not tarnish their reputation.
All of this assumes, of course, that the offender’s repentance is sincere. A well-intentioned person might say, “I’m sorry if I’ve offended you or if I’ve wronged you,” but that is not real repentance. It gives an appearance of repentance without actually admitting wrongdoing. Certainly, you have the option to accept this kind of apology or not. Perhaps it’s “good enough” for you to have closure and move on. But if it isn’t satisfactory, then you should seek outside help. If the offender isn’t convinced of his sin (or doesn’t care that he’s sinned), a second or third witness can assist you. This brings us to the second step of Matthew 18.
Step two: Bring witnesses
But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established’ (Matthew 18:16)
If the offender does not repent after your initial attempt, Jesus tells you to bring one or two more people along. These people will act as witnesses (or mediators) between you and the offender. They can attest that your grievance is justified and that you have followed Jesus’s instructions properly. Ideally, this will soften the offender’s heart and result in his repentance.
Notice that this step is still relatively private. The matter is not yet in the public domain; it is restricted to one or two trusted friends. At the same time, it is progressing to public knowledge. More people will know about it than did before. Hopefully this will motivate the offender to repent, so as to avoid further escalation. Most Christians know that the third step is entirely public.
Let me add that the witnesses should exhibit the same kindness and gentleness that you do. They must approach the situation with maturity, seeking truth and peace. They cannot spread the matter to others and they cannot have resentment toward either party. Their intent should be to advocate for both parties. If the offender doesn’t think he’s sinned – if he objects to your confrontation on biblical grounds – then the witnesses can help determine who is right and who is wrong. For this reason, even the offender should be welcoming of the witnesses.
In their search of truth, what if the witnesses find fault in you? For instance, they may determine that you have falsely accused your brother. It would be your obligation to ask for forgiveness and to put the matter behind you. Regardless, if no agreement is reached in this step, then you proceed to step three.
Step three: Take it to the church
And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector (Matthew 18:17)
The third and final step is to take the matter to the assembly, which means the matter is to become public knowledge to the congregation. The purpose of this is to provide an even greater witness to the offender, which will possibly soften his heart to repent. However, if the offender refuses to hear the assembly, he is to be excommunicated. We see an example of excommunication in 1 Corinthians 5. It means that the offender is “handed over to Satan” and no longer a Christian. This is a very tragic conclusion, but it is what the Bible requires. Even this action is done in love, with the hope that the offender would “be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus” (1 Corinthians 5:5).
Taking the matter to the assembly must be done in good order, which means you will first take it to the elders. They would have to confirm that there is unrepentant sin and that the steps were followed properly. At that point, they would announce the situation to the assembly and ask them to be praying for the offender. A certain amount of time should be allowed to let the Holy Spirit work on the offender’s heart, to allow the elders and fellow members to call him to obedience. But after a reasonable amount of time, if he persists in sin, he must be excommunicated. If he were to repent later in life, the assembly must receive him back joyfully with open arms.
Please remember that the “assembly” includes all members of the church – men, women, and children. The matter is to be brought to the assembly, which means that the elders’ announcement and the subsequent repentance or excommunication must be announced publicly. Too many churches ignore these instructions altogether, or they try to keep them secret from certain members of the church. That strategy violates Jesus’s command; it renders the third step meaningless. There should be no such thing as secret excommunications. It is a public announcement to everyone gathered for worship (1 Corinthians 5:4-5).
Some churches do not practice step three of Matthew 18 for fear that it will make the worship service “awkward” and “sad.” Yes, of course it will. Jesus knew that when he gave the command. Why do elders think they have a better plan than Jesus? Worship, of all places, should be where the family of God talks about serious matters. Not following this command will only result in turmoil for the assembly. Allowing sin to go unaddressed will breed a culture of sin in the assembly (1 Corinthians 5:6, 1 Corinthians 15:33, Galatians 6:1).
Should you confront every time?
Some Christians opt to avoid confrontation, claiming instead to “forgive in their heart.” While we have the prerogative to overlook a transgression (Proverbs 19:11), this is not properly called forgiveness. In the Bible, forgiveness is a response. It is something you give to someone in response to their repentance. It is not a feeling, and it is not for you at all. Forgiveness is for the offender. If you decide to overlook a transgression, that’s fine. But it’s best to not call it forgiveness. Call it “overlooking a transgression,” or “not holding a grudge,” or something similar.
If you choose to do this, you must not have resentment toward the person and you must not spread the matter to others. You move on as if the transgression never happened. Beware, however, that overlooking a sin doesn’t turn into enabling a sin. If a person is never confronted about their sin, they may never have a chance to overcome it. They could go on committing the sin, causing harm to themselves and others. It takes great wisdom to know when you should overlook a sin and when you should confront it. God might want to use you as the means of someone’s repentance.
What about public sins?
In Matthew 18, Jesus uses the example of a personal offense against you. A personal offense is to remain private, though it could become public as the steps progress. What about sins that aren’t committed against you personally? The Bible commands us to confront those sins as well.
I’ve already mentioned 1 Corinthians 5 as an example of excommunication. In that case, it was not due to a personal offense but to a sexually immoral relationship in the church. Other verses show that we are to confront sin in general, not just the ones committed against us personally.
Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted (Galatians 6:1)
Exhort one another daily…lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin (Hebrews 3:13)
Let us consider one another in order to stir up love and good works…exhorting one another (Hebrews 10:24-25)
If you witness your Christian friend sinning, you should find a way to approach them. It could be in person, by phone, or by letter. With gentleness, call them to repentance. This is often very difficult to do. It will take courage. Is it awkward? Yes. But who made it awkward? The offender did, not you. Trust that God has given you these commands for a purpose. Confronting sin will come with risks, but the risks can’t keep us from being obedient.
What about when sins are already in the public domain? For instance, you wake up one morning and see your friend’s mugshot on the news. Would it be wrong to tell someone about it? No – it would be appropriate to tell others out of concern and for prayer. That is not an example of gossip. If the friend is a member of your assembly, it would be imperative to make sure your pastor knows. Compared to Matthew 18, sins in the public domain would be fast-tracked to step three. The elders should make an announcement to the assembly and proceed with calling the person to repentance.
Conclusion
In every home, the actions of one person affect everyone else. When discipline is needed, the whole family knows about it. It shouldn’t be any different in the church. That won’t make any sense to you unless you view the church as your family. The assembly is your spiritual family. It is your eternal family; the family of most importance. We therefore confront and forgive as any family must.
Please notice that this duty is not just the job of the elders. In most cases, it’s your job first. The elders don’t get involved until step three. Too often, Christians avoid confronting sin, hoping that the elders will deal with it later. This is a shirking of responsibility that does no one any favors. As time goes on, the offender becomes hardened in their sin and no longer receptive to correction. When the elders get involved, it’s already too late. Worse yet is when your refusal to confront – your silence – made the offender think you approved of their sin. That is a very bad spot to put yourself, your friend, and your elders in. Don’t do it.
The assembly includes everyone – not just the elders. Jesus has given these commands to you. Confront as he did; forgive as he did.
church discipline, confront, Ecclesiology, Excommunication, forgive
