In 1989 the Rob Reiner movie When Harry Met Sally starring Billy Crystal as Harry Burns and Meg Ryan as Sally Albright hit the screens. There is a popular scene from that movie that exposed something that many people won’t say: men and women can’t be friends. Harry and Sally are riding in a car together talking. Harry explains to Sally that men and women can’t be friends because the issue of sex always gets in the way. Sally incredulously and in shock tells Harry that this isn’t true. She has a number of men friends, and the desire for sex is not involved. Harry disagrees with her, and the conversation ensues.
Rob Reiner and his characters are no biblical scholars to be sure. What they expound as truth certainly needs to be tested. Is it true that men and women can’t be friends; that is, that intersexual friendships are very different than same sex friendships? I actually think Harry Burns is on to something. I believe that although the sexual relations issue is one of the biggest issues in intersexual relationships, it is certainly not the only one.
Not only should we have wise friends, but we should also enter into friendships wisely. There are some friendships that simply aren’t prudent. Solomon doesn’t say explicitly, “Son, your closest friends outside of marriage should not be women,” but he assumes different dynamics in same sex and opposite sex relationships. For example, when he describes the temptation his son will face with the gang of young men in Proverbs 1, there is a thirst for power and possessions. When he speaks to his son about interaction with women, he assumes sexual tension and temptation. There are overlapping principles of trying to seize the fruits of dominion illegitimately, but the temptations are according to the different sexes, assuming that we relate differently intersexually.
Can men and women be friends? Yes, but with qualification. Men and women can’t be friends in the same way as they can with someone of the same sex. There are a number of reasons for this, not the least of which is the sexual tension that begs for resolution.
In the beginning, when God created us male and female, he created us to be fruitful and multiply with all the corresponding appetites. We have sexual drives that the opposite sex excites that must be channeled toward marriage. When we entangle our souls (which is the nature of close friendship; see 1Sam 18.1) too deeply with the opposite sex, the relationship can become entangled bodies all too quickly. Neither men nor women should be naïve about this relationship (as Aimee Byrd is in her book Why Can’t We Be Friends?). Opposites attract because God made us this way. What starts as a “Platonic relationship” can become a sexual relationship if guards are not put up. We shouldn’t live in fear of the opposite sex, but there should always be a healthy, friendly tension that recognizes the dangers. It doesn’t matter who you are, the level of your sex drive, or even initial attraction. Many a man and woman have become sexually involved with people they would have never dreamed of being attracted to because of emotional connections. Stay guarded.
The sexual relationship is not the only hindrance in becoming close friends with the opposite sex. Men’s and women’s friendships are just different. I saw a video recently in which a woman spent eight years “transitioning” to become a man. She lamented how difficult it was to be a man because men don’t connect emotionally like women. Women connect more deeply emotionally with women they hardly know than men, she decried. She’s right. Men and women aren’t merely made up of different fleshly body parts. We are different all the way through, and that means the way we relate is different.
Man is created from dirt and is oriented toward the world to develop it. He is created to protect and provide for the woman and homelands (which normally take on feminine characteristics). As men multiply and the projects become larger, we band together to work. We develop friendships around missions or projects. We form friendships side-by-side, and we need to develop mental and physical strength for the job at hand. Consequently, we challenge one another physically and verbally, testing one another and pushing others to get stronger. Women tend to believe the feats of strength border on stupid and our jabs at one another are mean. That’s because they aren’t men.
Women connect emotionally, more face-to-face. They were created from the man and for the man, so they prioritize relationships. Women are more nurturing and care more about how everyone is feeling. Women are still competitive. However, as men fight primarily physically, women primarily fight psychologically and can be quite vicious. Men don’t understand getting together to share deeply emotionally, but that is the way women relate, wanting to connect deeply at the emotional level.
When men and women become friends, putting aside the sexual temptation for the moment, women may tend to become more butch, using coarse language and acting tough, giving up her soft femininity. Or men will become softer, effeminate, giving up masculinity. Neither one is good.
The only safe place to have a deep friendship with the opposite sex is in marriage where sex is not only permitted but required and neither femininity nor masculinity must be yielded but, instead, must be cultivated for the marriage to be fruitful.
Can we learn from wise people of the opposite sex? Absolutely. But if your soul becomes knit together, your bodies may not be far behind, and that will be folly. Neither should we yield our masculinity or femininity to seek friendships with the opposite sex outside of marriage. Have wise friends and enter friendships wisely.
Photo by No Revisions on Unsplash
