“A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; he quarrels against all wise judgment.”
~Proverbs 18.1
We need friends. Whether same-sex comradery or the intimacy of marriage, we need to know and be known by others.
Friendships at every level have faced challenges in every age of history. Twenty-first century Western culture is no different. Though the challenges take different forms, genuine friendships are threatened by a number of cultural factors. The way we understand friendships is changing rapidly. We are more connected with people and less relational. We are friends with hundreds or thousands but with few or any in particular. Technology changes the way we relate. The telegraph gave us information about people thousands of miles away with whom we had no connection and contributed to desensitizing us. (See Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves To Death.) The blessing of air conditioning holed us up in our homes and made it uncomfortable to visit with neighbors. Television became a source of entertainment and information tempted us not to interact with the people in our homes.
Technological advancement hasn’t slowed down. We now have a myriad of ways to communicate that give us more connection opportunity. FaceTime, Marco Polo, Zoom, and others allow us to have convenient and, many times, much needed, face-to-face conversations with others. As communication technology improves through various media, the potential for losing the ability to enjoy intimate friendships increases. We can withdraw behind phones and computer screens. With this comes the temptation to create a persona that we wish to be through words and images. Social media then becomes a shield against anyone knowing me or me genuinely knowing anyone else. I can live in this fantasy world. Face-to-face relationships are too difficult. People see me and my family, not as what is portrayed through snapshots and filters, but warts and all. I can be the great warrior, the great husband and father, the indefatigable wife and mother, or the comic everyone likes. This avatar is somebody, somebody who generates conversation, who matters, who gets attention.
If we aren’t careful, this social media mentality begins to shape the way we think about interpersonal face-to-face relationships. All relationships need to be this convenient. Click a few buttons to “friend” or “unfriend” someone.
I don’t believe we ought to be Luddites. There is no inherent evil in this technology. There are, in fact, great benefits. But as with all technology, we must beware of the temptations that come with them.
Nothing is a replacement for face-to-face, flesh-and-blood relationships, people with whom you live, bodily occupying proximate geographical space. We need people who know us, not the persona we project through well-thought-out pithy sayings or visual filters, but the raw us.
We need friends. The need for friends is not a bug in our design but a feature. We are created in the image of a God who exists eternally as Father, Son, and Spirit. God said in the beginning, “Let us make man in our image and according to our likeness” (Gen 1.26). The apostle John gives insight to that relationship as he describes the relationship of the Word with the Father in the beginning. John tells us that the Word was with God. Murray J. Harris, in his book Jesus as God, says that the phrase indicates that the Word was in active communion with God. He was face-to-face. Face-to-face friendships at all levels somehow image this relationship. Sin doesn’t necessitate friendship. Being human, created in God’s image, necessitate this type of friendship. Isolating yourself is inhuman.
Sin affects our friendships. When the first man and woman sinned, the last thing they wanted was to be face-to-face with God or one another. They tried to hide, to isolate themselves. That’s what sin does: cuts us off from God and others. We don’t want to know or be known because we are fearful that if someone knows us or we know them, there will be rejection and hurt. Consequently, we shield ourselves with many protective devises, distancing ourselves emotionally, spatially, through media, or being contentious (which is one way to Proverbs 18.1; this is a man who pushes everybody away by being a jerk).
Christ Jesus redeemed us so that we are remade in God’s image and grow into his likeness (Eph 4.20-24). One thing this means is that we must fight the urge to isolate ourselves and, instead, seek out friendships. Genuine friendships won’t be as easy as online connections. Knowing people unfiltered is difficult, but it is necessary for your sanctification. We don’t forsake the assembling of ourselves together as the church in face-to-face relationships so that we can provoke one another to love and good works (Heb 10.24-25). You need people who know you who can encourage and rebuke you. You can’t use your introversion or any other excuse to hide behind the sin of refusing to have genuine friends.
Keep using all the technology to stay connected. But don’t allow the technology to shape you into a friendless person.
