Young Man,
Let’s explore the issue of respect, particularly the man’s need for respect in a relationship with his girlfriend or wife. As many Christian pastors and writers have noticed in the Scriptures, Paul’s exhortations for husbands and wives vary in Ephesians according to the needs of men and the needs of women (see Eph 5.22-33). When Paul tells the husband to love his wife, he describes that love with two words: nourish and cherish. These words carry with them the basic needs of the woman from the man about which I have already written: masculine provision and protection. When a man nourishes and cherishes his wife, that’s how he loves her, and that is how she knows he loves her. However, when Paul gives directives to the wives, they are to submit to their husbands, respecting them (Eph 5.22-24, 33). This is how she loves her husband: putting herself under his mission and respecting him. A man knows that he is loved by his wife (or girlfriend) if she respects him, which is demonstrated in how she responds to participating in his mission (of which I have written to you previously).
The need to be respected by your wife or future wife is not egotistically superficial. Respect is not a game she plays with you in order to “stroke your ego.” If a woman feels the need to fake respect–stroke your ego–then she doesn’t truly respect you. She believes that she is superior to you. This will be indicated in how she talks about you to other women and/or how she presents herself before others (especially with other men present). A woman that doesn’t truly respect her man will tell her girlfriends how she has to stroke your ego and about how she manipulates you to get what she wants. A woman who doesn’t respect her man will not defer to him in public settings; she will put herself forward, talk over him, contradict him, or simply embarrass him by the way she acts before or talks to men.
A woman must certainly learn to tame her attitudes and show respect even when she doesn’t feel like it. And, granted, there are times when a man is a good man and worthy of respect but, because of her sinful attitudes, she refuses to respect him. However, it is our job to give her a respectable man. A woman will be more likely to tame her attitudes and respect a man if he shows masculine qualities that “demand” respect.
Respect from women toward men begins with men being respected by other men. On playgrounds across this world boys and girls know this and they act on it. When boys are playing together, they are competitive. But at a certain age, when boys are competitively playing together and a girl is introduced to the scene, the dynamic changes. What happens? The boys start “showing off.” Each wants to show that he is the best of the lot; that all the other guys are somehow below him and respect him (even if they may not like him). What is the girl doing? She is waiting to see which one wins and/or who is the most respected boy among the group. If she believes that she is a “high-quality girl,” she will be looking for a high-quality guy (remember hypergamy?). Women respect men who are respected by other men.
Men gain respect from other men when they are tested and prove themselves strong and competent in some form or fashion. This is why it is important to a future wife who adores her father to have her father respect the man she plans to marry. If she respects her father, she will only respect a man that has proven himself to her father. If she doesn’t respect her father, you will potentially have a whole other set of issues on your hands that you need to explore. (You may just be a ticket out. She may have a rebellious attitude. Her dad may be a real slug which creates “daddy issues.”)
The father-daughter relationship is key to you understanding whether or not a woman respects you. If she is not willing to separate from her father emotionally and invest her loyalty in you and your mission but wants you to adopt daddy’s mission, she doesn’t respect you. This can happen if you live close or live one thousand miles away. If daddy is a safety-net emotionally or financially, you are entering or have entered more of a tribal system than a properly differentiated relationship/household. This doesn’t mean that you can’t live close to or even do some of the same things her dad is doing. But you must be careful that you are the man she values above her father. If you aren’t, you will be a live-in roommate and provider, but your relationship will suffer. She has to turn from daddy to you. This is some of the reason for the symbolism in a wedding of the father giving away the bride. He is giving up his position as the man in her life, and she is investing herself in you and your mission. This doesn’t mean that she no longer respects her father, but her father’s way of doing things, opinions, etc. take second place to yours. This doesn’t happen immediately when you begin dating or courting. But it must grow into this, or you will be and feel emasculated because you aren’t be respected by your wife.
Richard Cooper, summarized the situation this way: “Men value love. Women love value.” With every pithy proverbial statement like this, there is always a potential for great misunderstanding. (And in the manosphere of which he is a part, they have quite a few misunderstandings in this regard.) There is something to this, however. Men value the attention, affection, fawning over, sex, etc. in a relationship. Men respond positively to a woman showing him attention, genuinely desiring him, being genuinely appreciative of what he does, knowing that he is pleasing her. He wants to be adored by her as her hero.
Women love when a man has value, when he demonstrates (and continues to demonstrate) the strength and competency to protect and provide for her (and her children). There are many different expressions of “value” that vary from woman to woman, but she will only truly respect a man if he has this fundamental value. In order to be respected by a female, girlfriend, fiancé, or wife, you must have and maintain your value. When you do this throughout life (under normal circumstances, of course), when your physical strength diminishes and other abilities dwindle, you have earned her respect. Of course, during that time, you have set things in place to continue to provide for and protect her in different ways. Our job as men is not done until we are in the grave, boys. Be in it for the long-haul.
One of the traps that we must avoid in earning respect is the short cut of pity. We want our woman’s (girlfriend’s or wife’s) affection. One of the ways men think that they can get this is through trying to get her to pity us. We instinctively know that a woman is more emotional and is a nurturer. In order to feel more “emotionally connected” and gain that affection and even praise, or to pass one of her tests, a man may play on a woman’s sympathy, looking for pity through self-deprecation. We talk about how we are not like this guy or that guy. We’re not as smart, strong, wealthy, or whatever. That may get her to say, “O, no, yes you are.” But it may also start to put questions in her mind as to whether or not she is dating or has married a loser.
I’m not saying you have to be a braggart, but you do need to have confidence in yourself, if not for your sake, then for hers. This pity play is beta game. They think that they will get what they want from women, but women don’t respect men like this and will either 1) count the guy as one of her “girlfriends” or 2) treat him as if he is a child who needs motherly nurture. You don’t want either one of those because, in the end, it means she doesn’t respect you as a man. All of those bad things that I have mentioned in other letters about the relationship begins to come into play here as well. If she doesn’t respect you, she won’t sexually desire you. You are a “turn off.” She will also begin to show disrespect in many ways to you, furthering your emasculation, driving you deeper into the “I need pity” place until you get the … let’s just say, “fortitude” enough to show her that you are a man.
This lack of respect from the woman to the man is also one of the major causes of a sexless or “starfish sex”[1] marriage. Not only will your wife not desire you sexually if she doesn’t respect you, if she doesn’t respect you, you won’t desire her. What man wants to be with a woman for whom nothing is ever good enough, when he never measures up, when all she does is complain, when she is not content, when she berates and criticizes him, consistently acting as if he is stupid? No matter how physically attractive she is, if she doesn’t respect you, after a while, you won’t want to be around her. Men need respect. It is a part of being created as a man.
Lack of respect for you as a man is bad for both you and her and, obviously, for the relationship/marriage. But if she respects you, you feel the weight of responsibility as a man for her that you are glad to bear, you are encouraged to run through a wall if you have to in order to provide for what she needs, and your sexual desire for her increases and deepens even as age takes away the beauty of youth. The woman you choose or that you have chosen has a great amount of power over you in this regard. By her respect, she aids you in your mission or weakens you through emasculation and discouragement.
If in the course of dating/courting, you discover that the young lady’s respect for you is not growing, you need to cut off the relationship before you become too emotionally invested to do so and so burden your life with a very difficult road. You can’t believe that any one girl is your only option, catching a bad case of “oneitis” (that is, the belief that there is only one girl out there that is your true soulmate without whom you can’t live). If you are married, you don’t have complete control over the attitudes of your wives. You can’t control other people, even your wives. But what you can always do is be men worthy of respect. Stop with the false humility of self-deprecation and be more confident. Stop trying to take the lazy way to emotional connection through pity. There are no short-cuts. Take care of yourself physically. Be decisive. Focus on your mission and lead her to come along. Give her a man to follow. Give her a man to respect.
You must have respect; not because you are some egomaniacal megalomaniac, but because God created you to be respected. It is necessary for a good relationship. You being respected is good for your relationship, and that is why you must make sure that you are respected. This is your responsibility. There will be times when your future wife or wife will need to get her attitude in line and “salute the uniform.” But you must demand respect, not by being a bully, but by being the man God demands that you be. This will mean that when she tests you, you stand up to her. If you don’t, she won’t respect you. If you let her run over you, thinking that this will endear her to you because you let her be a “strong woman,” you’re wrong. She will come to despise you. You can’t let her talk condescendingly to you in tone. If she does, while the substance of what she says might need to be heeded, you can’t let her disrespect you like that. It will not be good in the long-run. You can say, “I hear what you are saying, and I may be wrong, but you are being disrespectful. I am not your child. I am your husband (or future husband).” (Or something to that effect.) This can be said without animus or harshness, but it must be said with firmness.
To say that a man needs respect and a woman needs nurture and cherishing, is not to say that a woman doesn’t need respect and a man doesn’t need some form of nurture and cherishing. Paul says that a man, in fact, nourishes and cherishes his own body. So, these are not mutually exclusive categories. Women need respect in a sense, but respect for a woman is respect for her being the weaker vessel (1Peter 3.7). Women need respect in the sense of masculine protection and provision, guarding their weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Men need nurture and cherishing, but that comes by his work. Paul says that the man loving his wife by nurturing and cherishing her is what he does for his own body. He treats her as he treats his own flesh. He takes care of himself and her, and she works with him and for him. Love is expressed toward the man and toward the woman differently, but when they work together, they beautifully complement one another.
So, be men who can be respected by other men. Carry yourselves with confidence. Shake hands firmly. Don’t be slothful. Be diligent. Be competent. Do the work. No short-cuts. You have a masculine burden of performance. Act like a man. When you carry yourself this way and you are truly confident, you won’t always feel the need to get into petty contests with other people to prove yourself. You won’t have to. You are a proven commodity, and women/your wife will recognize it.
For Christ’s Kingdom,
Pastor Smith
[1] Emotionally unresponsive; duty-sex
