What if your pastor DMed you about an interpersonal relationship problem that you were having and then said, “Oh yeah, when you are finished reading this, read this or have this read to the entire church”? First, you might be a little peeved that he was digging into your business. He needs to mind his own business. My relationships at home, work, and with my friends are none of his business. Second, if you are a typical American Christian, you’d probably find another church to rid yourself of this “spiritually abusive pastor.” Then, you would get on social media and talk about how you have suffered from the abuse of spiritual power, gain a following, and start an intersectional community of all those who have been DMed by their pastor about their relationships.
Well, Paul didn’t think it was spiritually abusive to address Philemon about his relationship with his slave, Onesimus. Nor did he have a problem with the whole church, not only in Colossae but throughout history, reading this personal letter about their interpersonal and even business-like relationship. Philemon is Paul’s friend and a patron of the congregation within the Colossian church. (They used his house to meet. This is not a house church like, “Daddy can’t find a church good enough, so he appoints himself pastor” house church. The church with lawfully ordained pastors and elders met in houses.) Philemon was obviously a wealthy man who had a house large enough to accommodate even a small congregation of thirty-five to fifty people. He also obviously owned slaves. (Let all those who have higher standards than God begin to gnash their teeth at Paul for not condemning the institution of slavery in his letter.)
One of Philemon’s slaves ran away, probably stealing from Philemon, but is repentant. He finds Paul and, most likely, wants him to mediate between him and his master. Onesimus could have suffered crucifixion for his crimes. Paul mediates for him because he is concerned about how the grand story of God’s reconciliation of the world in Christ is worked out at the local church and interpersonal level among all the different sorts of people. This stuff isn’t theory. The gospel of reconciliation informs how we are to live in relationship with one another in the church.
Philemon’s relationship with Onesimus affects not only two people but the entire church. On another occasion, writing to the Philippians, Paul calls out two women, Euodia and Synteche, for being at odds with one another (cf. Phil 4:2. There is no record of them starting an online ministry of all those who have been called out by an apostle in front of the congregation.). Our personal relationships are personal, to be sure. We are to be working on them person-to-person. But our interpersonal relationships don’t stay contained within this sealed box, protecting everyone else from the negative consequences. Each of our interpersonal relationships affects the rest of the congregation, whether you are talking about the relationship of husband and wife, siblings, close friends, or Christian acquaintances.
There are several reasons why your interpersonal relationships will affect the rest of the church. A bad relationship with one person shapes you. When you refuse to resolve issues in a healthy way with a person, your attitudes are shaped so that other relationships are affected in some way. If you carry around bitterness and angst, it will poison all your relationships.
It may also be that because you can’t get the relationship off your mind, you drag other people into the problem, seeking validation or vindication. You (like all humans) want to be justified; you want a judge to declare you righteous, so you will seek out judges who will declare you to be in the right.
This is the way it works in a body. Two organs in the body can’t be at odds with one another without the rest of the body being affected, even if the other organs don’t know what is going on between the two warring organs.
When Onesimus returns to Colossae, maybe with this letter in hand, Philemon will need to address the issue in a way consistent with the gospel of reconciliation. If he doesn’t, it will affect the entire church (who, by the way, is greeted in the opening lines and, presumably, will hear this letter).
What you do interpersonally in the church is not only a “you” issue but a whole-body issue. You need to take care of your relationships, keeping them healthy, not only for your own good but for the good of the church, proclaiming God’s gospel of reconciliation through your relationships. If you do, maybe the pastor won’t have to call you out from the pulpit.
