MENU

Family and Children
Category

On August 15, 2020 By In Family and Children

The Case for Keeping Children in Worship, Intro

I want to appeal to evangelicals who do not accept the premise that children belong in worship with adults. Now, I grant that I am in the minority position here. The majority of evangelicals may find the idea of children in worship from beginning to end a rather strange concept and so I want to tread cautiously. Some are legitimately intrigued by the idea but find the practicalities of it unsustainable. And, we should also affirm the obvious legitimacy of the need for places where nursing, comforting, disciplining can take place.

To elaborate further, over the years I have heard parents offer at least four arguments against keeping children in worship with them on Sunday. First, some will argue, “I can’t keep my children quiet during worship, therefore I don’t see the need to keep them with me.” The argument posits that the demands of disciplining and watching over little ones during the worship service ultimately does not bear any benefits.

Second, some will state, “I am not going to get anything out of the service if I am constantly distracted by them.” This is a variation of the first argument, but it adds that since the sermon is the central element of worship, keeping children in worship takes our attention away from the preached Word.

Third, a few will express a more didactic concern that keeping kids in worship with parents is a waste of time since they will get nothing out of it. “They are, after all, children, and lack the capacity to grasp the language of a worship service.” Therefore, there is a need for a more child-appropriate classroom setting. This is likely the more common argument and one based on concern for the learning process of children.

Finally, at a more pragmatic level, I am aware of evangelical parents who view Sunday morning as a day to relax from parental duties and catch up with church friends, so putting kids in children’s worship provides the needed rest for weary parents. This is not based on selfishness, but a real need to fellowship with other saints which is a biblical imperative.

I am certain there are additional reasons, but these are a few that I hope to tackle in upcoming posts in the hope of beginning a conversation on why I and so many others have faithfully kept our children in worship Sunday after Sunday until they leave the home.

I don’t want to minimize these concerns, but I do wish to say that the experience of many of us has been overwhelmingly positive. In my denomination, this premise is accepted universally, but for those outside such traditions I want to at least make the case that the fruit of seeing our little ones grow up worshiping next to us and singing our songs and confessing sins have brought a greater value to worship, provided unity in liturgical language, consistency in habits of piety, and abundant joy to family conversations around a meal.

My initial premise is that when conversing with parents that are skeptical about the above proposition, we need an extra dose of grace and we must refuse to treat the process as if it were some “walk in the park “(which incidentally is also quite hard with little kids), but to affirm the inherent difficulties of raising little ones in the nurture and admonition of the Lord in the worship of the Lord. I also hope to make these short notes accessible so you can pass them to friends as conversation starters, and hopefully conclude with some practical steps for applying these principles peacefully in congregations where this is not practiced.

Read more

On July 5, 2020 By In Counseling/Piety, Discipleship, Family and Children

Count The Cost

We are rapidly approaching the intense campaign season. (It seems that we never leave campaign season anymore. We only have less and more intense seasons of it.) Big elections will be happening soon. Debates will occur and stump speeches will be given. Each candidate will be telling you why he or she should be elected (or at least why the other guy should not be).

Most of these candidates will be telling you all that they are going to do for you. One side is going to give you all this free stuff. The other side is going to reduce your taxes. Everyone is concerned about sweetening the pot to entice you to sign on with his agenda.

(more…)

Read more

On June 18, 2020 By In Family and Children

America’s Young Adults and How They Were Formed

Parents born in the 70’s are now seeing their young adult children enjoy the benefits of “autonomous zones” and self-made victimization. It must be rewarding to such fathers who spent most of their days working long hours in the office away from the family, spending a lot of time with their pals drinking beer and watching football while their new wives were home caring for newborns and keeping the house in some form of stability, establishing himself in his royal throne at home after a long day and keeping the children content with their tablets and unending cycle of entertainment, demanding and protesting when dinner was not served at the right time or the children would not respond politely. How did that work out for you?

Your children have become you! Except, now they have the entire vocabulary of a nation plunged into wokedom, catechized under political correctness, politicized under cool categories like “socialism” and “feel the bern.” Those young adults are the direct descendants of inattentive fathers who chose their own pleasures above the needs of their children and the regular inconveniences they offer us.

A friend of mine was once told: “I would die to have children like yours,” to which he replied, “That’s exactly what I do daily…die.”

God will not judge us, fathers, for the rest we take, the games we watch, or even the late hours we may take occasionally. He will judge us, however, for seeing all these things as noble substitutes for parenting well and faithfully.

So, to those far off, I urge you fathers to grab that prodigal son by the hairs of his baptism and tell him that you love him, pray for him, and confess your failures. Perhaps, and just perhaps, that might be the beginning of a new relationship.

As for the dads dying daily, don’t grow weary in well doing. And never believe for a moment that your children are first and foremost proud of your professionalism; they are proud of a father who kisses them and makes them feel possessed by love.

Read more

On June 3, 2020 By In Culture, Family and Children

Father Famine and Rioting

When I wrote the Trinitarian Father some years ago, I did not imagine at that time how the force of fatherhood impacts the home. Now, with almost 12 years of parenting under my belt, some gray hair, and enough anecdotal evidence to fill a few encyclopedias, it is safe to say fatherhood is the critical battle of our day.

In these last few weeks, I have poured over articles and re-read a few portions from books on race, listened to podcasts on the way to my study, and safely concluded that the real danger lies in the unspoken answers to our woes. Indeed, the modern complexities touch on matters of how we relate to our fellow image-bearers, but also as it relates to our discomfort to talk about the heart of many of these issues. And the heart of many of our societal disorientations go directly back to the household, the birth place of ideologies.

Dr. Anthony Bradley, professor at King’s College in New York City, recently observed that fathers “are essential to the child’s development, not peripherally, like in TV sitcoms and movies, but vitally essential.” The recent clip of a mother castigating her son for rioting made national news, rightly so. What is rare, however, are fathers assuming a positive role in the discipline of their children. It is much more common for mothers (even in a two-parent home) to assume the role of mentor and guide than a husband to do so. We live in a father famine age, and our current chaos has much to do with satisfying this hunger.

There is sufficient evidence that what we are seeing are men and women taking to the streets to destroy because their very lives have also been destroyed in their homes emotionally and physically. The rioting is part and parcel the result of a fatherless generation. The Bible places headship at the feet of men not to abuse but to build fruitfulness in the home. But fathers are by and large consumers, and not nurturers. Teenagers in the streets setting things on fire are giving society a taste of their home lives. The male figure is now de-masculinized, and authority and respect are forgotten virtues of a bygone era.

Dads, where are your sons at one in the morning? Why don’t you know where they are? What are their habits? Why don’t you know what they treasure? Why don’t you pour into the new generation of men instead of comfortable sins?

The famine is great, and our fatherly guilt is also great. If revivals and reconciliations are to take place in our generation, we need godly men to raise the banner of hope and satisfy the cravings of their young warriors at home. Otherwise, they will take that ire and show up in a video clip in the evening news next to a burning building.

Read more

On May 10, 2020 By In Family and Children

Mothers as Theologians of the Future

We cannot begin to think of mothers without speaking of our first mother, Eve. She was unashamed of her calling to serve in the Garden. Her duty was to make Eden a place where God’s name would dwell forever. She was future-oriented, planting a vineyard for the happiness of the Garden (Prov. 31:16) and her husband. Though Eve fell, the vision of the future does not. And so, mothers press on to that higher calling.

Faithful mothers are theologians of the future knowing well their eschatology in a fallen world. She lives in such a way to influence her children and her children’s children. It’s why young men call their moms in college because they are equally passionate about the future. They find commonality in their planning.

On this Mother’s Day, children must bless their mothers and husbands must praise their wives! A good queen makes the name of Yahweh known in her Garden, for she lives in harmony with the Lord of the future. And especially today, we show honor to whom honor is due.

But the journey is far from over. As mothers get older and gain more biblical wisdom, they become wise matriarchs in communities. They theologize about life and apply the Gospel in new ways to their offspring and community. People are drawn to her understanding and begin to say: “Go to her. Seek her counsel.” But this does not happen overnight. The faithful mother builds her days now on loving truth; her theology is the resurrection of Jesus, who gives her new strength every day.

Remember mothers, it is not your husbands that give you an identity; it is Christ who names you. When you are overwhelmed by your duties, your salvation is in the risen Jesus. The empty tomb identifies you; it’s the resurrection that shapes your future.

Christian mothers, in one way, set the rhythm for the rest of the world. C.S. Lewis put it this way:

“To be a mother is a woman’s greatest vocation in life. She is a partner with God. No being has a position of such power and influence. She holds in her hands the destiny of nations, for to her comes the responsibility and opportunity of molding the nation’s citizens.”

Mothers, do not ever allow someone to say that your role is not valued. You are co-heirs of grace. Your children are future warriors trained by the mighty hands of ordinary moms who embrace the future like Mary, Sarah, Ruth, and so many others.

For every diaper you change, for every alphabet letter you teach, for every kiss, for every song, for every meal you make, for every joy you instill in your children and others in your community, therein is the testimony of God’s grace in the world.

Moms, you are God’s gift to the Church and your families. Be encouraged in your calling. We need your wisdom, and the world needs it also. Do not grow weary in well-doing. You are shaping the future with your actions. Happy Mother’s Day! And may the God of all peace sustain and nourish you with His grace now and forever. Amen.

Read more

On May 7, 2020 By In Culture, Family and Children, Music

10 Notes on Food, Feasting and Friendship

I begin with the assumption that the church has been powerfully de-ritualized this quarantine season. Habits die quickly or become rusty when not exercised. As Dru Johnson notes in his book Human Rites, we need to know our rites. The more we understand our rituals the more meaningful they become. And we have forgotten those rites and/or meaningfully ceased to practice them. I offer ten brief notes on three main rituals we need to recover in this age.

First, we eat without thanksgiving. Gluttony exists because thanksgiving does not. Eating is not a neutral exercise. Christians eat as acts of triumph over the world.

Second, the ritual of eating is undervalued in America. In this country, food is consumption. We eat because we want to, therefore we eat without intentionality. When rites become trite, our experiences become trivial, and the doors for abuse open wider.

Third, corporate eating is de-valued because we allow teenagers to rule over the table. Parents must re-assert their authority over the table, and keep food at the table and not on laps in front of laptops.

Fourth, feasting suffers when worship looks like a funeral. If every head is bowed and eyes are closed, we cannot see the feast or hear the feasters. Feasting is diminished when worship is feast-less in character.

Fifth, feasting is best formalized and appointed. When it is that way, it can be adorned with fancy napkins and plates. It allows family members to long for something better. We are gnostics to think that immediacy is best. Christians understand that better feasts means preparing more to enjoy best.

Sixth, feasts are more meaningful when we incorporate singing. Feasts in the Bible are celebrations of our freedom from bondage. Singing to Yahweh a new song is declaring Pharaoh will never rule again.

Seventh, there is no friendship without Christ. There are shared experiences and stories, but friendship is rooted in a shared Christ.

Eighth, relationships change and are re-directed. Someone who was a friend in eighth grade may not be a friend now. God gives us a rotation of friends through life because He knows that our changes will require new people to speak into our particular phases of life.

Ninth, many of us are worse friends than we think, but we have better friends than we deserve.

Tenth, all rituals require practice. All rituals require meaning. All good things require work.

Read more

On May 1, 2020 By In Family and Children, Theology

Safe Is the New Saved

Guest Post by Rob Hadding

As a young father, I considered keeping my family safe my chief duty. Reflecting on my track record a few years ago, I noted that in our family there had been no hospitalizations, no broken bones, not even stitches. Among my proudest paternal memories was the time my oldest daughter chided one of her siblings, “That’s not safe!” Not only had I done my job, but I had also adequately catechized my children in the Western Confession of Safe.

“What is the chief end of man,” the first catechism question of the Shorter Catechism of this WCS reads. The answer? “The chief end of man is to glorify man and live as comfortably as possible for as long as possible.” Every other question serves only to support and magnify this one. And it seems that those trained in it are legion.

The virus known as COVID-19 has revealed our cultural and global obsession with safety. Fear has gripped an already-anxious society, and the only reasonable response to the existential threat (see question one of the WCSSC) is to take every imaginable precaution to stay safe. Our personal safety, and ostensibly the safety of others, is the new righteousness. Safe is the new saved. We are justified by safe alone. And we have quickly codified our new religion.

And, as is the case with all religions, rites, symbols, and language are indispensable in affirming and communicating the tenets of the faith. These, of course, all attained ubiquity in a matter of weeks. I’m not necessarily referring to masks and gloves, although some go the second mile by masking up while driving alone or are out for a walk through the neighborhood alone. I’m talking about the quick acceptance of accepting digital meetings as a reasonable substitute for in-person interactions, “smiling with your eyes” over your homemade mask, and exchanging the new benediction, “Stay safe!”

But the truth is that we are not safe. We have never been safe. The ratio of individuals to deaths is a solid 1:1. Some lives are very short; others are long. No matter how much we try as persons or as societies, the end of every human life is the same. And the day of your death is fixed by the One who created heaven and earth. He keeps you alive every day except one. This assertion is not an argument for carelessness or for being cavalier. Providence is no excuse for imprudence. Safety is an illusion, and an overwrought concern for safety is to misplace your faith. Do not fear COVID-19 that can destroy your body but cannot destroy your soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

To be human – truly human – is to live a life of risk. The world is a dangerous place. But we were made to take dominion over the dangerous world – not to make it safe, but to make it more glorious. The much-cited quotation from John A. Shedd is appropriate: “A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.” May my children benefit from my repentance, and live well. 

Rob Hadding is the pastor of Christ Church in Pace, Florida. He and his wife, Marty, have five increasingly dangerous children. 

Read more

On April 18, 2020 By In Culture, Family and Children

A Response to Social Distancing

Contrary to cults, Jesus did not rise ghostly on the third day. He was raised in the flesh. The Easter season brings with it an essential topic for conversation at the COVID-19 table. One of the most painful reminders that we still live in a fallen world is that we are–for good order and prudence–inhibited from hugging, kissing, and shaking the hands of our neighbors. The terminology “social/physical distancing” pushes back against the Christian faith. We are the most embodied religion on planet earth because of an embodied risen Lord, and yet, at this stage, we are urged to avoid resurrection affection to the saints. But the Christian faith receives God in a journey of social nearing to his people. We may rightly say it is contrary to our religion to avoid physical connection with others. But alas, we find ourselves in this pitiful state.

This entire affair is one element of God’s judgment on his people that we too rarely consider. The Apostle’s life is one where he longed to be with God’s people and greet them with a kiss. Paul was not content suffering for the cause of Christ in a prison cell away from God’s people. He did not appreciate his isolation from church life. While the Gospel prospered even in Paul’s imprisonment, he longed to see the people of God (Rom. 1:11).

The apostolic model calls us to use this time to meditate on how little we show physical affection to those nearest to us. If anything, we need to consider how few tangible acts of love we offered before the pandemic kept us away from the presence of others. It is a scientific affirmation that hugs between fathers and sons, for instance, improve physical and psychological well-being.a There is too much at stake in this conversation beyond economics. Easter comes with tangible consequences.

It is common to think that the Pauline imperatives belong to an ancient culture where physical affection was time-bound, but we now live in a more personalized western environment where our interactions do not require physicality. But it’s important to note that this is not the Western perspective. While some may feel this way in this country, Latinized countries and the vast majority of European nations practice some physical form of greeting one another.b It is entirely possible and likely that our germaphobia is linked to our dismay of what the Bible and the vast majority of cultures consider normal.

(more…)
  1. The humble hug represents security, reassurance and love – and as well as emotional benefits there is well-documented scientific evidence that regular hugging improves physical and psychological well-being. Researchers at the University of North Carolina found that the bonding hormone oxytocin rises substantially the more hugs a person receives. https://www.menshealth.com/uk/health/a754361/why-hugs-are-good-for-father-son-bonding/   (back)
  2. https://jetfarer.com/brazilian-kissing-culture-greetings/  (back)

Read more

On April 7, 2020 By In Family and Children

How Can We Cultivate Calmness in Motherhood?

A Guest Post by Danielle Poorman

There are many reasons why mothers struggle with their emotions. We live in an age where mothers are always being compared to one another and expectations to uphold the “perfect standards” are high. This is dangerous. When we as mothers submit ourselves to these comparisons and expectations, it leaves us vulnerable to dangerous emotions such as anger, anxiety, and depression.

Every mother I know wishes for more tranquility in her life as well as her family’s. So, how can mothers cultivate calmness amidst the distractions and uncertainty of everyday life?

Mothers have a high calling from our Heavenly Father. This goes well beyond the daily tasks that occur everyday inside and outside of the home. In the midst of everyday life and seasons of uncertainty, it’s very easy to lose sight of our purpose and calling.

God has uniquely called us to the amazing journey of motherhood. Your calling and your purpose are to glorify God. In some cases that may look like caring for the little people in your home to the best of your ability as you train them up in virtue. In other scenarios glorifying God as a mother may look different from your neighbor or from a mother who’s more seasoned in her journey. God has a divine and unique plan for each one of us as mothers but the end goal is His glory. 

If we can learn the value of cultivating calmness, those practices and mindset will carry us through EVERY season. In the end, when we experience seasons of uncertainty and life turns upside down, our spirits will feel less chaotic. 

How Can You Cultivate Clarity When It Doesn’t Come Naturally?

Some mothers, such as myself, find it difficult to find clarity in certain seasons of life. This is particularly true when schedules are busier, sickness occurs, or we’re in a long season of character training with our children. Cultivating clarity and calmness does not come naturally in my life. It’s a process, but one that is worth the effort. 

Remembering that cultivation is a process is necessary. Regardless of where you are in your motherhood journey, remember back to when you were just navigating the waters of being a new mom. At each stage of your child’s development, you had to learn and navigate new territory over again. The training process seemed long but each seed you planted began to grow contributing to your “budding plants.”

One helpful way to cultivate calmness is –if at all possible–to find times to be alone! That can be tough at times with little ones who are so needy but this is essential to gain clarity. Jesus often withdrew to quiet places to get alone with God. 

Matthew 14:23  – “After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone.”

Jesus sets the ultimate example for us in passages such as this one. He removes himself from distractions and gets alone. It’s important for us as mothers that we follow the same example. 

Even a few quality minutes alone in prayer each day will intentionally cultivate clarity in your calling and calmness in your spirit. Cultivating calmness takes time but it is an intentional process.

Mothers experience chaos in various forms. There are times when chaos is unavoidable. Part of cultivating calmness includes taking a step back and analyzing the areas where chaos is causing restlessness. 

Ask yourself, “What area am I striving for perfection where I need to relinquish control?” “Am I desiring peace in the process of motherhood?” We can often feel a lack of calmness when we refuse to allow God to lead.  Acknowledging our weakness and accepting God’s strength gives us the freedom to put on the calmness He wants to give.

In 2 Corinthians 12:9, Paul says:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

What a beautiful reminder that God does not expect perfection for us as mothers. In fact, He desires that we rejoice in our weaknesses so that we can fully accept His grace. When we as mothers rest in the power of Christ, we take the first step to cultivating calmness in motherhood. 

Danielle Poorman is a homeschooling mother of two children. She blogs at Danielle Hope where she encourages other mothers to find value and virtue in motherhood. 

Read more

On February 12, 2020 By In Family and Children

Should Our Children and Teenagers be on Social Media? Some Thoughts from a Concerned Pastor

A brilliant acquaintance wrote a piece for CiRCE Institute that encapsulated much of what I think on the topic of children/teens and social media. I want to echo the same sentiment through pastoral eyes. You see, I make observations very often here based on more than anecdotes, but on patterns that I’ve seen through the last 11 years of pastoral ministry. In my estimation, it lends more credibility to my words. I am, after all, a student of human sinful rhythms.

The scenario can be easily summarized thusly:

A father/mother gives a child/teen a smartphone or some device with the capability of installing a social media platform like Snapchat, FB, Instagram, etc. This gift–and it is a gift–may be given out of ignorance, educational purposes, or some noble intention. In most cases, parents over the age of 45 are largely ignorant of the capabilities of smartphones these days, or the kinds of loopholes intelligent children can find to get to the place they want on-line.

The end result of this process is abysmal. Before I develop a bit of this, I am speaking as a connoisseur of social media. I have some presence in the major platforms and find it useful. I subscribe to a form of technofullness, that Doug Wilson speaks of in his book “ploductivity.” The internet (social media, in particular) is a matter of stewardship and we are to treat it with gratitude in our hearts and use it as an instrument of blessing.

But when you put this rich platform, one which opens an individual to untold patterns of human virtues and vices, it is almost impossible to see good fruit coming from the keyboard of someone between the ages of 8-16. The dangers are at least two-fold:

First, to give your child/teen access to a social media platform immerses him/her in a world from which there is no return. For instance, while mature adults struggle greatly with issues of lust, coveting, greed, jealousy, and other vices, imagine when all these elements are introduced to a child or young teen whose sole preoccupation at this stage is with what he will make for his lunch tomorrow or what her homework is when she gets home at night. Now, he/she is introduced to a world where *likes are the currency and what one wears the de facto fashion statement.

Suddenly, a 12-year old is now confronted with questions of what to wear? what to eat? am I too thin? should my skirt be that tight? should I want an apple watch? should I watch that episode on Netflix? do I want more from my parents? should I talk this way? should I like this person? I venture to say these questions do not accentuate positively one’s priorities at this stage of life but confuse the hierarchy.

The point is that putting these questions to our children too soon hinders them from properly developing social and rhetorical abilities that come from experiencing life at a particular rhythm, rather than a full immersion into them. At the moment your child has an Instagram account, he/she is thrown into a world that he/she is not prepared with all its traps, enticements, neediness and likes.

But secondly, the danger also comes from the formation your child will receive once introduced to this world prematurely. Of course, a parent may say that he will keep close accounts, monitor his child’s page, and talk about it often, but honestly, can anyone do this consistently? Can a parent demand such accountability from a child who is yet untrained in life to assume such responsibilities?

To the point of formation, I have seen too many of these same kids form worldviews that are thousands and thousands of miles away from anything resembling Christianity. How did they go this far away? The answer is one worldly picture and ideology at a time.

If a parent says, “My child is an exception,” I’d simply have to respond: “My pastoral experience and statistics show otherwise.” What is more likely is that children become early ideological victims of an environment not fit for little priests.

And if a parent says, “My child will never engage himself in any social media.” My response will be: “You are missing the point. They will inevitably, but the question is, ‘Will you allow them to take the wheels now or will you train them well for a time when they will in some capacity?'”

There is much to be said, and I offer no magical or thorough recipe, except a few ingredients that can negatively form your child. We all want our children to flourish in the nurture of the Lord. Let us not throw them to the lions until they are prepared to tame them.

Read more