Children, Obey Your Parents

“Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” ~Colossians 3:2

Every several years, new approaches to parenting are presented by the experts. (I often wonder how many children these experts have reared successfully.) Over the past several years, “gentle parenting” has been the latest experiment in child-rearing. Obedience is not demanded from the parent. Punishments and rewards are discouraged as incentives. Instead, the parent is to empathize with and validate a child’s feelings. The parent negotiates with the child, trying to convince the child to do what he thinks the child ought to do. Instead of expecting immediate obedience and emotional control, the child must come to a place of self-awareness. Gentle-parenters will probably be outraged by my lack of nuance. I’ve seen their children. The proof is in the pudding. Gentle parenting techniques don’t produce obedient children. They produce children who are self-consumed, discontent, emotionally fragile, and unhappy. Abigail Shier, in her book Bad Therapy: Why The Kids Aren’t Growing Up, rightly judges gentle parenting as “child abuse.”

Why doesn’t this work? Because this parenting style doesn’t image the parenting style of our heavenly Father. Our Father calls for obedience from all of us and directly commands children to obey their parents in everything (Col 3:20). This is not a negotiation or an exploration of your feelings. This is a command from an authority who knows what is best for us when we don’t.

In addressing the new creation family, Paul applies the Fifth Commandment to the children of the church. Before getting into the commandment itself, we must ask, “What business does Paul have addressing children directly?” The simple answer is: They are members of the church, the new Israel, and, therefore, have covenant responsibilities. They are included in the “saints and faithful brothers in Christ” (Col 1:2), those who have “received Christ Jesus the Lord” (Col 2:6), and have been circumcised with a circumcision made without hands in their baptism (Col 2:11-12). They were dead and have been made alive, having been forgiven all their trespasses (Col 2:13). Just as God directed the Fifth Commandment to the children in Israel without age distinction, so Paul directs the Fifth Commandment to the children of the transformed Israel without age distinction. They are full members of God’s people. If they weren’t, Paul wouldn’t address them because they don’t have special covenant responsibilities (cp. 1 Cor 5:12-13). They are not “non-communicant members,” which is like saying “excommunicated members,” an oxymoron. They are members of the “one loaf” body of Christ, the church (cf. 1 Cor 10:17).

As members of the church, children have the responsibility to obey their parents in everything as long as they remain as members of their household (Col 3:20). While the parents’ authority is delegated and, therefore, limited by what is consistent with God’s commands and character, parental authority is real. To disobey parents in any lawful command is to disobey God.

Obedience of children in the home is non-optional. It doesn’t matter if a young man begins to feel his oats and thinks he doesn’t need to obey his mom anymore or is ready to bow to his dad; he is to submit. A young lady may think that she ought to be managing the home and cock an attitude with her mom or try to manipulate her dad to get out of obedience, but she needs to bring that under submission.

The obedience that God requires is not the attitude of the young boy who was told to sit down and did it but told his parents, “But I’m standing up on the inside!” Proper obedience is listening to parents, taking what they say to heart, and not letting it go in one ear and out the other (Prov 1:8; 4:20). Obedience should be immediate, hopping to it the first time the child is told. Obedience ought to be happy, with no grumbling, complaining, whining, sassing, or disrespectful tones (cf. Phil 2:14-15). Obedience should be complete, doing everything commanded. Obedience ought to be diligent, giving one’s full energy to what needs to be done.

All this requires something of parents. (Paul will address that more in Colossians 3:21.) As parents, you must take care in what you command your children to do. Your commands can’t be sinful in any way. You must also be ready and willing to enforce the commands. Parents must also provide an example of obedience for their children. Your children should be imitators of you (cf. Eph 5:1). You should submit to your authorities happily and eagerly. If you are disobedient and undisciplined but expect your children to be obedient and disciplined, you will anger your children (cf. Col 3:21; Eph 6:4). You must also be ready to hear respectful appeals. You are not an all-knowing parent; sometimes, you command things without full knowledge of a situation. Be humble enough to hear a respectful appeal either to delay or not do what you initially commanded.

Much is involved in child-rearing that a small article and even an entire book cannot completely address. However, one basic thing is clear: Children must obey their parents.