Friendship is vital to our humanity. We desire friendship because we are created in the image of the Triune God who is eternally in friendship as Father, Son, and Spirt, and, like him, our mission can only be completed in a community of friendships. The mission God gave us in the beginning cannot be completed by an individual. We need friendships; from the friendship of marriage (cf. Song 5.16) to same-sex friendships to broader societal connections, we need friendships at various levels to complete what God has given us to do. It is not good for man to be alone. Friendships, therefore, are not an optional accoutrement to our humanity.
The drive to have friends is innate in everyone. We want connections, people with whom we can share life. We are broadly connected to all humans so that every person we meet is a friend. The command to “love your neighbor as yourself” in Leviticus 19.18 can rightly be translated, “love your friend as yourself.” There is a sense in which everyone is a friend with whom we are connected and to whom we owe our love. The Bible not only speaks of friends in this broad sense but also speaks of friendships of various degrees of intimacy. Friends of the king (for example, Job or Jesus in John 15) are his trusted advisors. A husband is the wife’s friend (Song 5.16). There are friends and there are friends.
While we owe a friendly duty to all those with whom we come in contact, we don’t share the same intimacy with all. Indeed, we must take care with whom we become close friends because of the way deep friendships shape us. Friendships involve an “entangling of souls.” The soul is our whole person animated before God and the world. Our lives get wrapped up with someone so that our emotions, will, mind, and heart are connected with the other. Jonathan’s soul was knit to David’s so that he loved him as his own soul (1Sm 18.1). That is a close friendship. In these types of friendships as we “share souls” with one another, we take on the characteristics of the other so that our mannerisms, speech patterns, desires, and the direction of our lives blend with the other person.
The entangling of souls can be good for us or bad for us. Paul proverbially tells the Corinthians, “Bad company corrupts good morals” (1Cor 15.33), recognizing this general principle. This is why Solomon and his wife direct their son to be careful about friendships from the start of his instruction (Pr 1.8-19). His son is to avoid the gang of young men who are unhinged from God’s wisdom. He is not to walk in the way with the wicked; he is to “avoid it; do not go on it; turn away from it and pass on” (Pr 4.14-15). He is to recognize Harlot Folly by the way she speaks and dresses and avoid her as well (Pr 7). Wisdom is to be called his “sister” and insight his close friend (Pr 7.4). He is to seek out Lady Wisdom for his intimate companion. He is to walk with wise men (Pr 13.20).
Some Christians out of misguided love and distortion of mercy might believe that the avoidance of entangling ourselves with the unwise, the rebellious, is selfish. However, Proverbs is quite clear in its directives, and its wisdom is embodied in Jesus himself. Jesus walked the way of wisdom and called others to join him. If they were willing to follow him, to join him in the way of wisdom, he was willing to be patient with them and help them along the way. However, he was willing to cut off relationships with those who did not want to walk or continue to walk with him. The rich young man who appeared to be a hot prospect for the kingdom turned away from Jesus’ call to walk in the way. Jesus didn’t run after him. At one time, after Jesus spoke about being the bread that came down from heaven, many quit following him. He turned to the Twelve and asked them if they would leave him as well. He was not deviating. He was willing to let them go if they didn’t want to continue in the way of wisdom.
As you choose friends, take care. They need to be on the same path of maturing in wisdom. You cannot save the undisciplined, slothful, angry, drunk and glutton, so don’t mix with them (Pr 22.24-25; 23.19-21). The sin magnet that is in you will be drawn toward the atrophy and disorder that characterizes them, and then you will be able to help no one. You will need someone to help you. Find friends who are walking in the way of wisdom and join them, encouraging one another, and so be saved from destruction and be productive in our common mission.
