How Should Pastors Teach on Sexual Issues?

I wrote previously about why a pastor has the authority and duty to teach on sexual sin and sexual holiness.  Now I want to explore how a pastor should do this. I do not have all the answers in this area. I have failed many times when discussing these matters. At times, I have said too much. At other times, I have said too little. So what I write below are some of the things I have learned in my first six years of ministry. I would encourage other pastors, former pastors, elders, and fathers to weigh in on how they handle sensitive matters like this. The post is longer than I would have liked. But the more I wrote the bigger the topic got. As with the previous post, there is a lot application to fathers (and mothers) as well.

1. I preach about sexual matters from the pulpit, but in the pulpit I try to use words that edify the entire body.  In my church, we have lots of children who would not benefit from learning new words while in worship.  I use words like; sexual purity, the marriage bed, adultery, sodomy, fornication, and premarital sex. I try to avoid being too explicit while still being clear. Most adults and teenagers know what I am talking about. If fathers want to explain things further to their younger children they can. Sexual sins and the glory of the marriage bed should be preached on, but Sunday morning is not the place to shock people with “dirty” words or to discuss explicit sexual practices.
2. I do almost all of my shepherding on sexual matters when I meet with couples and singles one on one. If I did not meet with people one on one, I am not sure how some of the more sensitive topics could be brought up. One on one shepherding is absolutely essential for sexual discipleship in our culture. I try to be involved in the lives of the sheep so that I might effectively address these issues.
3. I guard my heart when talking about sexual matters. There can be a sinful desire to know more than is necessary to counsel the person or couple. Pastors and elders are not immune to lustful or prurient thoughts.
4. I try not be shocked by sexual questions or sexual behavior. If someone says, “Pastor, Do you think it is okay to do…?” I do not say, “Oh my, how could you even think such a thing.” I try to show proper biblical seriousness about the matter without being too shocked or too indifferent.  Most of all I try to keep lines of communication open so that I can continue to disciple them.
5. I try to avoid being obscene or pornographic when I talk to people. This is difficult to do with so many people having exposure to pornography. There are things I have discussed with people that I never dreamed I would be talking about as a pastor. But still I strive for biblical dignity in my conversation. Sometimes there is  the need for an explicit conversation, but often that is not the case.
6. I try to have a proper balance of internal and external advice.  I counsel the person or couple on how their heart should approach sexual matters. What is going on inside must be addressed. But I also give practical steps to avoid sexual sin. Things like memorize scripture, avoid the computer when no one is around,  stop getting cable, learn to be more patient in bed, dress in some nice lingerie, sleep with your husband before he goes on a trip are helpful practical suggestions.  These are not a substitute for addressing the heart, but rather work in conjunction with addressing the heart.
7. I use premarital counseling and counseling in the months following the wedding for frank discussion of sexual matters.  In premarital counseling the sexual history of the couple should be discussed.  How much detail needs to be gone into will be up to the pastor’s wisdom.  Premarital counseling is also a good time to address common sexual practices that are sinful and to exalt the virtues and freedom of the marriage bed. I try not to cause the couple to stumble. Engaged couples are already thinking about sex. I do not want to encourage lustful thoughts. In the months after marriage I meet regularly with the couple to talk about many things, including sexual matters. I continue to ask questions about sexual habits and problems as I meet with couples in the church. But premarital counseling and counseling early in marriage is fertile ground for discussing this.
8. I do not settle for vague answers when it comes to sin or problems. For example, if a young man says to me he struggles with lust I begin to ask more questions. How often? Is this once a week, once a day? Is this hard core porn or the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue? If a husband expresses concern that his wife’s sex drive has dwindled I ask more questions. What do you mean by dwindled? Were you having sex daily and now it is once a week? Or has it been two months since your last love making session? Is he being a jerk in the bedroom or out of it and therefore his wife has no physical affection for him? Is the wife refusing to have sex unless she is ovulating? I also know that sin tends to come in clusters. If he is watching porn then he no doubt lacks discipline in other areas. If the wife is prudish then I know she is being disrespectful in other areas as well.  I am not encouraging unnecessary nosiness. Sometimes couples/singles are doing fine sexually. They do not need to be badgered. But my congregation knows that sexual matters are on the table whenever I meet with them.
9. One of the more tricky problems in sexual counseling is how to deal with women. I have had very little experience with this so I am not going to say much. A woman who has a husband who refuses to address sexual problems in the marriage should confide in an older, mature, trustworthy woman who can help. She and that older woman also may want to approach the elders for help. If a single girl cannot approach her mom or dad about sexual problems she should do the same thing.  Also having my wife sit in on the premarital counseling sessions about sex was very helpful for the bride-to-be.
10. One last point about sexual matters in the home. One thing that has surprised me is the number of young people from “good” homes who know very little about sex, its God-given purposes, and the dangers of immorality. I know one young lady who thought that the only sexual sin was actual intercourse while everything else was okay. Many young men have not been taught about the dangers of masturbation even if they know what it is. Many young ladies believe that the marriage bed will have this warm, fuzzy glow just like in all those romantic movies.  Christian fathers and mothers need to regularly address a broad range of sexual issues as their children get older so the children understand what is right, what is wrong, and what to expect. Teenage children should be comfortable asking mom and dad, “What is…?”  Fathers should pry into their sons lives to see what they are thinking and what they are struggling with. They should pray to the Lord that he will help them see if their children are hiding something. All of this must be done with wisdom. Children are not all the same. Some can handle more than others. But the parents need to create an environment where sex is an open subject. It should not dominate the home life, but it also should not be relegated to a one time talk when they hit puberty.

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