Young Men,
I kind of left you hanging a bit with my last letter. I told you that you need to have a mission and that any woman you bring into your life needs to be willing to help you in your mission, revolving her life around yours. I didn’t tell you, however, how to determine and develop your mission. This letter will get you started with that.
The general structure of your mission is determined for you. You are created in the image of God and, therefore, share his characteristics. Being God’s image is a fixed as well as an active, growing reality. That is, you are God’s image in the very nature of being human. God reveals himself in us as humans in the way we think, speak, see, feel, rule, create, relate, and many other ways. We have these characteristics because they image God’s own being. These are characteristics of all humans because all humans are God’s image.
God’s image is not a static reality. The image of God is active because God is a living, active, working, creative, ruling Person. Therefore, being the image of God is a responsibility, a calling (“vocation” if we use the Latin-based word), a mission. This is revealed in Genesis 1 when, after creating man (man + woman), he gives them the blessing and responsibilities of being fruitful and multiplying and having dominion over all the earth. They were called to glorify the earth through multiplication and developing and arranging the world so that the earth would grow into the image of heaven. (This is what we pray for in the Lord’s Prayer: “Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.”) We were created to be creators; procreators (“making babies”) and imaginative, wise builders of God’s creation, developing, ordering, and ruling the created order. We are created for all of these tasks because we are created as the image of God.
This is why men and women have a drive to “make a mark on the world,” to dint (yes, I meant that and not “dent”) the world. We are created to change the creation. With the entrance of sin, this mission is distorted, but being the image of God means that it is inescapable. As Christians, a renewed man, we have the duty to develop and shape the world, conscientiously bringing everything under the lordship of Jesus.
Man as God’s image is plural: male + female. We work together to accomplish the mission God has given us. We do this by complementing one another in our sexual identities. Men need women. Women need men. God created us together in his image to accomplish this mission. This relationship, as I have been pointing out, has certain dynamics that either work with the grain of our creation and move us to accomplish this mission or can work against the grain of our creation and move us to distort this mission. Each of us has duties particular to our sexes that we contribute to the larger mission.
Since I am talking to you young men, I focus on our masculine duties. In the creation of man, God gave the man two basic duties: guard and work the garden. These two commands define the basics of the man’s mission and, for the most part, what it means to be a masculine man. In order to fulfill your general mission as a man (I will get to how to determine your specific mission just a little later), there are certain characteristics with which God has created you that you need to develop. These are tools for your mission that need to be kept in working order; sharp, fine-tuned, and ready to go at all times.
Strength. In order to be a warrior and a worker, you will need strength. Strength comes in many forms. You need intellectual strength. You need to be as smart as you can be as well as mentally tough.
In our call to develop the world, there are things that God has left us to figure out. For this reason, we need to study how things are as well as think of how they might be changed to be developed. You need to develop your mind. Read much. Read widely. Listen to others who know things you don’t know. Don’t just home in on one area that you particularly enjoy (even though you will focus on some things more than others). Continue to learn from reading fiction to reading theology and philosophy. Understand how God created and sustains the world as well as how our enemy is trying to deny God’s order and destroy it. Be strong intellectually.
Intellectual strength needs to include mental toughness as well. It is one thing to equip yourself with information. It is another to have the will to apply it in the face of opposition; opposition from the “thorns and thistles” to opposition from the devil and his seed. You are called to fight mentally as much as physically. At times, the mental is actually much more difficult. Mental toughness is not developed merely in lecture halls and reading books (although that is part of it). Mental toughness is also developed through making your body do what you don’t enjoy doing but doing it because you know that is good for you or is your duty. Special Ops instructors in the military tell you that most people who volunteer for training are physically able to complete the training. The training is mostly about training your mind to tell your body what to do. There are physical limitations, of course, but you train your mind, at times, by pushing your body.
Being mentally tough means that you will be able to handle assaults in whatever form they come without being dissuaded from your duty. You will be able to handle criticism from those who love you or your adversaries. Yes, there will be times that it hurts, but it will not debilitate you, cause you to curl up in the fetal position, and keep you from fulfilling your responsibilities.
Physical strength is another area of strength that you don’t need to neglect. We are not all the same in the physical strength that we develop. God builds our bodies differently. Nevertheless, men need strength for our mission, part of which is to make a woman feel physically protected. Women are attracted to physical strength no matter how much some of them try to deny it, as if it is some base desire. Women don’t go see Aquaman because it is a great literary film. Jason Mamoa (a beta simp, interestingly enough) is not winning any Oscars for his performance, but women are attracted to him. They see him and others such as Chris Evans or the Rock (who always have to take their shirts off somewhere in the film), and they have a visceral reaction that says, “Whew, that’s a man right there.”(Remember what happened when Steve Rogers was initially transformed in Captain America: The First Avenger? Peggy became a little weak. Most all of the women watching did the same.) They exude strength. This is why top athletes pretty much pick any woman they want. Women are attracted to this strength.
God made you with larger muscles and thicker skin (literally) than women because you are made to physically wrestle with the creation in war and work. As you grow older, your physical prowess is transformed into wisdom (“The glory of young men is their strength, the glory of old men is their grey head.” Prov 20.29). However, part of your mission for the kingdom as a young man is to develop physical strength. Keep yourselves in good shape. Don’t be obsessed with it so that it becomes an idol. But keep yourself as fit as you can considering your circumstances.
The strength that is needed for our mission as men is also manifested in power (for lack of a better term). Power comes in many forms. It can be money or status. You can’t achieve it quickly, but you need to be working on growing in power. In the intersexual relationships, it is interesting to watch how really attractive women are attracted to ugly men who are powerful. Women are oriented toward men like this because they see a provider who is able to provide security. Power makes you attractive if you are looking to be married as well as within marriage. Later I will talk to you about a reality called hypergamy that will explain this reality more thoroughly.
Power is first demonstrated within a group of men. This is where you are first respected, and respect is something you rightly crave as a man. But respect is something that is earned as a man. It is not given just because you exist. You need to do things worthy of respect. To begin to earn power, your first task is to be respected by other men because you demonstrate some sort of strength, whether physical strength, perseverance, competence, or whatever. It can be demonstrated in something as easy as giving a firm handshake. (Grip strength, in general, is going down among men, which, in turn, reduces the production of testosterone, and that is not a good thing.) Know this: women are attracted to men whom other men respect and whom other women want. Develop your power.
Another area of strength that you must develop as a man is competence. In order to work or war, you need to develop some level of mastery. This requires that you focus and discipline yourself to learn things. You will not be uber-competent at everything, but there are things that you need to learn as men. For instance, as a man, it is good to know how to fix common things in the home; general car maintenance and repair, some plumbing skills, some carpentry skills, and things as such. Learn skills that will help you provide for your family by either making or saving money. Of course, you will also need to become competent in a particular or a few areas so that you can provide for yourself and those whom God has given you to provide for. Master something by which you can support yourself and your family, then you can have hobbies that can become money-makers later if you so desire.
Continue to make something of yourself. Make money. Grow stronger. Take care of yourself. Whatever you do, don’t self-deprecate. Self-deprecation is highlighting your weakness. It comes across in the evangelical church as humility, but it isn’t. It’s pitiful is what it is. Note here: I am not talking about realizing your weakness in terms of things that are outside of your control (sickness, circumstances, etc.). I’m talking about being down on yourself in front of others, lacking confidence, speaking about your lack of competence, that you are no good, etc. Do you know what that is? It is an excuse as to why you are being slothful and not trying. Some men think that this makes them attractive to women. They believe women pitying them is equal to women being attracted to them. They aren’t. They see you like a sick puppy who needs care, not a warrior-protector and provider whom she wants as a lover. Why does a woman want to revolve her life around a man who doesn’t even believe in himself? Where is her security? If you don’t believe in yourself, why would she want to entrust herself to you?
This leads me to the next major character quality that all men need to develop to fulfill our mission: confidence/decisiveness. You need to know who you are and what you’re about and be able to maintain that when you are tested by a woman, by others, and by circumstances in life, not coming across as shaky, indecisive, and tossed about with everyone else’s opinions. This doesn’t have to come off as arrogant or rude. Confidence is not loud and obnoxious. In fact, the loud and obnoxious guy is probably covering for his lack of confidence. Confidence doesn’t have to yell and scream at everybody because confidence really doesn’t care what other people think (that is, people who are not your closest friends, whose counsel you highly value). You calmly go about your business doing what you believe is right and/or what you are supposed to be doing.
You develop this confidence by making decisions, sticking with them, and accepting full responsibility for what you have decided–extreme ownership. (The book, Extreme Ownership by former Navy Seals Jocko Willink and Leif Babin would be a good book to read or listen to.) After you have gotten counsel, make a decision, follow through, and accept the consequences good or bad. You are going to make some wrong decisions along the way. That’s alright. Learn from them and move on. You are going to make some right decisions as well. That will help you become more confident. You are going to make right decisions that cause trouble or generally turn out bad. That’s life. Make the best decision you can and own the consequences. Confess where you were wrong. Stand firm where you were right.
All men, to complete our mission, must also develop courage. We are called to guard and that means protection that will involve fighting whether intellectually, physically, financially, or socially. Courage is the willingness to take risks in the face of fear when it will benefit yourself, those for whom you have care, and the kingdom of God. Courage is not taking stupid risks. Courage is taking risks with the potential of genuine benefits. Bungee jumping, for instance, may be fun for some folks, but it is not the courage I’m talking about. That is taking a risk for an adrenaline rush, which may not be a bad thing, but it isn’t necessarily a part of your mission. It’s not integral in developing your manhood.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to do what you believe is best despite your fears. You can’t know the future. You don’t know what’s going to happen with the decision you make. But you can live with no regrets if you are courageous and make the best decision you can with the information you have at the time. Live a courageous life and you will live a life with few if any regrets.
Developing all of these character qualities doesn’t come all at once or quickly. These are developed slowly through small disciplines. James Clear, in his book Atomic Habits, talks about how to develop these disciplines and the power of one-percent change. He’s an evolutionist, but he has some good, practical ways to implement disciplines. Mark Horne’s new book, Solomon Says, has some similar principles taken from the book of Proverbs. These two would be good to be read in tandem. Small, conscious decisions must be made day-by-day to develop the character God has called you to have. The beautiful thing is that God has made us so that as we practice disciplines, our brains and bodies are wired toward acting and reacting to those disciplines positively. (Of course, this happens with bad habits as well.) Some disciplines become so much a part of us that we hardly have to think of them anymore. We just do them. There will always be battles, but there are some character issues that you can pretty much settle if you do the small things on a regular basis. If you don’t discipline yourself in this way, you become vulnerable to all sorts of attacks. Proverbs 25.28 says, “A man without self-control is like a city broken into left without walls.” Discipline your mind and body according to the duties God has given you as a man.
These are all basic tools that every man needs to hone and keep in good working order in his life so as to accomplish our mission as warriors and workers, protectors and providers. While every man has the same general mission, each of us also has particular missions that fit into the larger mission, that contribute to the greater mission. We are citizens of the same kingdom, but each of us has different gifts, abilities, and, thus, responsibilities with which we come alongside the other men of the kingdom to war and work for its advancement. The question is now, how do you discover that mission? How do you know what your place is within this mission of men?
Some in the church over-spiritualize this. By this, I mean, that you will hear of people waiting for mystical experiences, “hearing from God,” or having to pray about it as if God is going to give them a direct answer. I’m not against praying about it or hearing from God, but God speaks, many times, in some very ordinary ways. Be careful here as well as you are dealing with other people who talk like this. While some are sincere in what they believe and want to do the right thing, “praying about it” and “feeling called” by God can be a cop-out or a trump card. It can be a cop-out in that some, knowing that good Christians will never question you “praying about it,” are seeking to avoid making a decision, sometimes about things plainly revealed by God. There are some things you don’t have to pray about when it comes to being good at being a man. God has already told you. Just do it.
“Praying about it” can also be a trump card to put down all resistance to what the person wants to do. If God tells you to do something, who is anyone to question God? I agree, of course. But God speaks through his Word and uses the counsel of friends and the authorities in our lives to speak to us. His Word is infallible. The counsel of others and our intuitions aren’t. God expects us to make the wisest decision we can with all the information and counsel we have within the boundaries of his revealed Word. Yes, he can and does direct our desires. But our hearts are deceitful above all things and desperately wicked (Jer 17.9). We have to be careful because our desires are radically affected by sin. They are a part of the process of determining mission, but they have to be confirmed by other witnesses. Your desire or the feeling you get when you pray is not a trump card to do what you want despite the Scriptures or counsel of others.
With that said, if you love Jesus and desire above all things to be pleasing to him, your particular desires will be shaped by that. They should always be confirmed by several other witnesses, but what you want to do out of love for Jesus and in obedience to him with your mind being guided by Scripture is an indication of what you should be doing for the kingdom.
Along with this, you must consider your God-given abilities and personality. What are you good at? What do you enjoy? What do other significant people in your life see as your strengths and weaknesses? Pursue vocations that fit you, your skillset (or those skills which you are more inclined to develop), and your personality. If you are really good at working with people, pursue vocations that focus primarily on human relations. If you are good at working with your hands, pursue vocations that have you creating and building. There is overlap between the two, but find out where your strengths are, where you are gifted, and pursue that. You will have to try different things to discover what you are good at and what you like and don’t like. You will fail along the way. Get up. Dust yourself off. Don’t whine. Keep pursuing.
All of us would like to do things that are beyond our abilities. We have dreams. There is nothing wrong with having dreams like this, but we must not live in a fantasy world. I would have loved to have played football for LSU and then gone on to the NFL. I wasn’t built for it. We can’t always do what we dream of doing. “The discerning sets his face toward wisdom; but the fool’s eyes are on the end of the earth.” (Prov 17.24) Wisdom is understanding, not only how the world is supposed to fit together under God, but how I fit in relationship to that. Stretch yourself. Challenge yourself. But also know that you can’t be anything you dream you can be.
When you have some direction in your life, focus on what you want to do, make a decision, and go for it. Anything that you do in the world that is consistent with the lordship of Jesus is worthy; from ditch-digging to running a Fortune 500 company. Whatever you do, do it with all of your might.
Whatever you choose to do as your mission has consequences. There are some vocations in the world that may be acceptable in themselves but will not help you in the totality of your mission. For example, a man may want to be an artist who paints pictures that sell for hundreds of thousands of dollars. That is a worthy vocation. But what if he also wants to be married, and he is just starting out in the art world? Starving artists can’t support themselves much less a wife and children. The choosing of your mission must include the responsibilities that you will be taking on. As Christian men, since we can’t play around sexually without the commitment of marriage, marriage needs to be taken into account when making a decision about what all our mission will entail. Can we support a wife and children with what we want to do? If you can’t do that, then you need to find something else to do.
As I mentioned in the last letter, a wife should complement you in your mission. She is created to be a helper, not a driver of the mission. She joins you. There may be adjustments to your mission along the way after you’re married, but it must be your mission. A good wife will help make you the best version of yourself and will strengthen your mission. As you vet women to be your wife, she’s got to fit with your mission. If she can’t revolve her life around your mission, move on. Make yourself a high-value man and only settle for a high-value woman. There are women who will adjust their lives to yours. If you are already married, evaluate your mission. Clarify it. Communicate it. Live it, and lead your wives.
Account for all of your duties, consider your desires, gifts, and personality, get counsel from wise friends all around you, make a decision, and then hit it hard. Make necessary adjustments along the way when God’s providence demands it, but be bold, be confident, be decisive, be strong, act like men, and own your mission.
For Christ’s Kingdom,
Pastor Smith
