Letters To Young Women: Singleness

Dear Young Woman,

After my last letter, you might have questions about singleness. Should you pursue marriage? How high of a priority should it be to pursue marriage? What should a young woman be doing while she is single? What happens if a young woman is never married? In this letter, I will address these questions. This one’s a little long, so get yourself a cup of tea, a Frappuccino, or a soy-skim-latte double non-dairy whip and settle in for a bit.

First things first. Should you pursue marriage? The short answer is, “Yes.” Many in the church today are encouraging singleness and even exalting it. Some take Paul’s words out of context in 1 Corinthians 7 concerning remaining single and believe that he is giving undifferentiated instruction for all times. However, he clearly says that his instructions relating to staying in your present state, whether single or married, pertain to “the present distress” (1 Cor 7.26). The Corinthians are facing or about to face some difficult times. It is better not to take a spouse during these times. There could be several reasons for that. Paul says their troubles would increase, and he wants them spared from that (1 Cor 7.28). Adding a spouse when you are about to go through severe trials will increase your anxieties (1 Cor 7.32ff.). In those times of stress, you are more likely to compromise your commitment to Christ. For example, it is much easier to have someone torture you for your faith than to torture your spouse.

There are historical situations in which it is wise to stay unmarried, but as a general rule, you should pursue marriage. When speaking to Timothy concerning instructing women in the church, Paul says that widowed young women should marry, bear children, and manage their house (1 Tm 5.14). Remaining single should be the exception, not the rule. Most should be married. God created us for it. The whole story of history is the story of how God the Son comes to have a wife (see Rev 21, esp. v. 9; also Eph 5.22-33). In her book, Getting Serious About Getting Married, Debbie Maken gives good arguments for pursuing marriage and practical steps in how to do so.

Pursuing marriage pushes against some trends in the Western Christian church, but it is practically swimming upstream in the predominant cultural waters. The unmarried life is widespread and becoming more so in our country. According to census numbers, as of 2012, there were 112 million unmarried people over the age of 18 in the U.S., representing nearly 47% of the adult population. If marriage is pursued, it is pursued later and later. In 2021 the average age for men to be married was 30.4 years, while the average age for women was 28.6. In 1920 those ages were 24.6 and 21.2 years of age respectively.

There are many cultural factors contributing to this. It takes longer to get an education that prepares young men for the workforce. Young people aren’t encouraged to mature. Consequently, they are not ready to grow up and take responsibility. Sex is easier without commitment (whether with someone, porn, or even robots!). The “empowerment” of women has weakened both women and men. The availability of casual sex, because of the freedom from consequences that birth control and even abortion provide, “frees” women from the consequences of their sexual choices and frees men from taking responsibility. In the wake of “free love” are millions of dead babies, single moms, and deadbeat dads. The moral walls controlling the sex drive and directing it toward marriage have broken down and discouraged marriage. When women refuse to engage in sex until a man has proven himself a good man and is willing to enter the covenant of marriage, men are disincentivized to become men who will make good husbands.

To all these trends is added the fact that women initiate about 80% of all divorces. The family courts are friendly toward the women. A woman can almost ruin a man financially as well as take his children so that the father plays little to no role in their lives. Are some of those justified? Sure. But 80% of all divorces? C’mon! Prominent figures influencing young men have, consequently, counseled young men to avoid marriage. Many men have practically become black pilled when it comes to marriage. It is an enormous financial risk and generally a bad deal. Since sex is so readily available, hook up with women, date them, or even live with them but don’t get married.

Before you start screaming, “So, you’re saying this is all women’s fault?!” No, I’m not saying that. Men have the lion’s share of responsibility. Nevertheless, a great deal of this is women’s fault. Men ought to have control of themselves, and so should women. The sexual revolution encouraged by Feminism has devasted both sexes, and both sexes bear responsibility.

Even if you live in a protected Christian environment, you need to know what is happening in the broader culture around you, for these are the waters in which we swim. Many cultural powers affect our thinking in ways of which we are unaware. For example (and this is prevalent in the Christian church), in the attempt to “keep up with the boys,” young women are encouraged to remain single in the most attractive and fertile years of their lives to pursue higher education and careers. Men do this through their twenties. Why can’t women? The simple answer is, You’re not a man. Men and women are different. Our sexual clocks are different. Women are most attractive to men in their mid-twenties. That is when they have their greatest “value” to a man looking to be married. (I’ll explain why a little later.) Around age thirty, this value tends to go down. That doesn’t mean that a woman is worthless. I’m speaking about what some call the “sexual marketplace.” A woman can be and should be a fine woman throughout her life (Prov 31). But in terms of marriage prospects, chances decrease after age thirty. Because men are reaching more of their earning potential and age differently, their value as protectors and providers goes up in women’s eyes. They become more valuable to women as husbands. (This isn’t just a man’s perspective. Women such as Suzanne Venker have pointed out these truths over and over again.) You should be pursuing marriage early. If you don’t, most of the good men will be taken by the time you hit thirty. Just sayin’.

So, you’re convinced that you need to be pursuing marriage. What should you be doing to pursue marriage? In sum, you must prepare yourself in body and spirit to be an attractive woman to a good man. There are activities you need to avoid and those you need to pursue.

I’ll start with a big one that you need to avoid: sex before marriage or, to put it crudely, accumulating a “body count.” Sex outside of marriage is trouble. You may say, “Yes, I know I’m not supposed to do this because it is a sin. God will judge fornicators and adulterers (Heb 13.4).” Glad you know that. The sexually promiscuous will not inherit the kingdom of God (1 Cor 6.9-10). However, the effects of sexual sin don’t wait for the final judgment (just in case you were thinking, “I’ll ask for forgiveness sometime in the future, and everything will be alright.”) God’s commandments are not arbitrary rules for us to keep as if he likes watching monkeys jump through hoops purely for entertainment. We are made by him and are his image. This means that our bodies are made to operate a certain way so that we can enjoy full health. If we don’t do those things but do the opposite, we destroy ourselves.

All sin is poison. Sexual sin poisons your body. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6.18, “Flee sexual immorality. Every sin a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.” Sexual sin is slow suicide. While Paul might not have known what we know today about hormones, he understood that the sexual relationship makes two people one flesh (1 Cor 6.15-17). Since the first century, we have learned a bit about bodies and discovered how “one flesh” is fleshed out. Sexual intercourse and orgasm stimulate pair-bonding hormones. In the man, the primary hormone is vasopressin. This hormone drives him to protect his mate and any offspring from this union. The woman primarily produces oxytocin, a bonding hormone that is also produced when she nurses her child. When she has sexual relations with a man, she bonds with him at a deep level. This is not a dopamine response from walking or the satisfaction of cooking. You become one flesh.

What happens if you bond with five, ten, fifteen, or more men? Each time you bond with a man without the covenant commitment God intended, you injure your ability to have a long-term relationship. Divorce rates skyrocket for women with a high body count. Whether it is because she can’t get that one guy off of her mind or the fact that she has desensitized her “wiring” by denying the bond over and over again, leaving her unsatisfied and becoming relationally guarded, the woman will have serious challenges being satisfied in marriage. God is gracious and will forgive repentant sinners, but you will live with scars and nagging feelings about other men. There are consequences to your actions. In her book Love Thy Body, Nancy Pearcy discusses all of this at length. Avoid fornication.

Preparing yourself for marriage is not only about avoiding but also about pursuing. What are you bringing to the relationship? You are created to be a helper for the man. How are you preparing yourself to help your future husband? Many women bring to the table only their looks, the availability of sex, and the ability to have babies. Those are important to men, but you are created to help him in more than those ways.

Proverbs 31 tells us what high value men look for in a spouse as Solomon gives us a picture of Lady Wisdom. She is married; therefore, not everything can be said about a single woman. However, her character ought to be present in a single woman’s life, waiting to take shape in marriage.

Proverbs 31 is the culmination of Solomon’s instruction to his son. His son, the next king, is to be pursuing a wife. He has two choices: Harlot Folly and Lady Wisdom. Solomon encourages his son to choose Lady Wisdom. Proverbs 31 is her portrait.

Structurally, at the center of Proverbs 31.10-31 is v. 23: “Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.” Lady Wisdom has so helped her husband that he is exalted. This is her goal. She wants her husband to be glorified. She understands that this is her calling. (I discussed this in the first letter.)

Lady Wisdom’s worth is priceless. She is priceless, not merely by existing, but because of her strength and abilities (Prov 31.10; “virtuous” in NKJV and “excellent” in ESV; also 31.25). She brings worth to the marriage through her character and abilities. She will be honored because of the work of her hands (Prov 31.28-31). Yes, she has worth because she is created in the image of God. Harlot Folly has that worth. Lady Wisdom’s worth is in relation to marriage and her purpose in the mission of man. The woman who lives as a faithful image of God, maturing that which God entrusts to her as a female, is the one who will be praised.

Lady Wisdom is also trustworthy (Prov 31.11-12). You should have and be developing integrity. For instance, you can’t weaponize your female weakness to play the victim card to avoid responsibility. Women do this regularly in society. Recently, a woman police officer in a small town in Tennessee, after having admitted to having sex with five other officers regularly while on duty, claimed that she was groomed and exploited. The old #MeToo movement promoted playing this victim card any time a woman was called to responsibility for her decision. As a woman, you know you are the weaker vessel (1Pet 3.7). Your temptation is to use that weakness to your advantage to avoid responsibility, manipulating, and blaming oppression. There are legitimate cases of abuse in which women are truly overpowered. But “abuse” has been used so much that it has practically lost all meaning. “Abuse” can be anything I regret after I have done it. Women like this are untrustworthy and not worthy of a commitment from a high value man.

Being trustworthy means that you are stable. You are not flighty or an emotional basket-case. You have learned to maintain control over your emotions. You are emotionally, mentally, and physically tough. Women have the opportunity to develop this in part during certain times of every month. When you are going through PMS or your period, you are tempted to have an excuse not to control your emotions. If you can’t control yourself during these events that will happen regularly, you will fall to pieces when facing even tougher marriage and motherhood challenges. Prepare to be a trustworthy wife by learning to control your emotions now.

Trustworthiness also assumes that you are loyal. When you commit to do something or be somewhere, do you follow through, or do you use excuses to get out of what you committed to do in order to do what you want to do instead? If you can’t follow through on smaller commitments, why should a man trust your commitment to be his wife?

Lady Wisdom is also industrious (Prov 31.13-19, 24, 27). She does not eat the bread of idleness (Prov 31.27). Idleness doesn’t necessarily mean inactivity. It can be an activity that is not focused on responsibilities, such as being on social media all day, chatting with your friends, and leaving responsibilities unfulfilled. Industriousness assumes that you have or are developing skills. You are learning to do the things that will help you manage a home. This includes everything from learning to cook to keeping financial books. You need to be educated. This doesn’t mean that you need to earn a Ph.D. You probably shouldn’t for a number of reasons. Primarily, becoming this educated means that you are likely pursuing a career outside the home. Not pursuing a Ph.D. doesn’t mean that you should only learn to cook and clean. You will have a big responsibility in training children. Solomon tells his son to listen to the law of his mother along with his father (Prov 1.8; 6.20). This means you need to have knowledge so that you can instruct.

Industriousness doesn’t always need formal education (as we call it). Learning how to help your husband provide extra money for the household fits right in with Lady Wisdom’s activities. She knows how to manage the house and a business with those outside the home. Her industriousness is always for her home, but it is not limited to doing things strictly in the home.

Lady Wisdom is also benevolent (Prov 31.20). She is ready to serve others. She is the one helping her own family (Prov 31.21, 27). If she is still living at home, she is taking responsibility and helping around the house. She may also be helping other families in the church educate their children or clean the house. She is developing the character of a good wife in all these things.

This benevolence expresses itself when she opens her mouth with the “law of kindness” (Prov 31.26). This is paralleled with wisdom. She speaks as a lady ought to speak, understanding relationship dynamics; that is, how God put the world together and how women are supposed to relate to men as well as one another. This translates into her not being crude or using profanity, trying to be a tough girl. That kind of strong language doesn’t fit with the proper softness of femininity and is, therefore, off-putting to a good man.

Lady Wisdom is also attractive, adorning herself (Prov 31.22). While you are to be developing a meek and quiet spirit and not be merely adorned with external beauty (1Pet 3.5; Harlot Folly can do that), you also don’t need to get in the mindset that your physical appearance doesn’t matter. Lady Wisdom is not “Mrs. Frumpy.” She presents herself well to her husband or, in the case of a single woman, to a prospective husband. You need to work on being as attractive as you possibly can. Each woman is different; some are not as naturally attractive as others. Some women naturally catch the eyes of men, and other women have to work a little harder at it. While not trying to gain quick and easy attention through provocative dress, you should want to get the attention of a young man through your physical appearance. Dress femininely, not like some badass girlboss. Wear appropriate make-up. Smell good. Lose weight. (By the way, none of these efforts should stop after you’re married.)

You may retort, having been influenced by our “fat is beautiful” and “accept me just the way I am” culture, “Any potential husband ought to accept me for who I am.” That’s just lazy narcissism talking. You know what you need to do, but for some reason, whether it is through self-loathing or pure sloth, you don’t want to do it.

Let’s put the shoe on the other foot. You meet a potential husband. He is a gamer who still lives with his parents, has a part-time job at McDonald’s at twenty-seven years of age, has no ambition, and is obese to boot. He says, “You ought to love me for who I am and marry me.” Would you marry the guy? Only if you love the idea of marriage would you marry a loser like this. You’re lying if you say you are attracted to a guy like this … and that’s a good thing. You SHOULDN’T be attracted to a man like this. Now, why should he be attracted to you if you don’t care about yourself, showing no ambition, acting as if you couldn’t care less if he is attracted to you?

You may not like this, but here is the reality. When a man looks at a woman, it stimulates the same part of his brain that is stimulated when he looks at tools. He wants to know if you are “useful” to him. That may sound like objectifying and, well, it kind of is. There is nothing wrong with wondering whether or not you are useful. You are wondering the same thing about him. God created man with a mission and the woman to be his helper. He looks at her body and wonders if she can be fruitful and multiply with him. Is she healthy? Obesity is not attractive because it says, “Not healthy” to a man. Shapely hips and breasts are attractive to men. That’s why women accentuate those with low-cut tops, no tops, tight pants, and high heels (yes, that’s the reason for high heels). You don’t need to flash all of that before him in an immodest way. There is an art of being modestly attractive. (I’ll talk about that in another letter.) Nevertheless, you need to work at it, working with what God gave you.

While making yourself attractive, moderate your expectations. You may not be as “high value” as you think. Looking down on all the guys around you, thinking you deserve someone who looks like Chris Evans and makes as much money, may come from an inflated view of yourself that has been pumped up by a doting father or a few “likes” online from a bunch of thirsty simps. You shouldn’t hate yourself, but neither should you overestimate your value. To use a scale, you may think you are a 9 or 10, while you may only be a 5 or 6. If you think you are a 9 or 10, you will be expecting to snag a man who is a 10 or off the charts. (I’ll explain why when I write to you about hypergamy.) You need to have honest people around you who love you telling you the truth … and you need to be willing to accept it. You may have to lower your expectations, not to the point that you settle for some loser, but he may not be a six-pack ab-toting millionaire you once thought you deserved because of your “princess” status.

You may not like what I just said about attractiveness in intersexual dynamics. You may choose to go the other way. You can choose what you wish, but you can’t choose the consequences. You can’t make good men desire something different than what they want, and if you don’t work to make yourself attractive to a man, then you might be “called to singleness” the rest of your life, with your only companions being a bunch of cats.

As you develop all these qualities, you must put yourself in places where good men can find you. You shouldn’t be aggressive like a man in snagging a husband, but you can be femininely aggressive. (Again, Debbie Maken’s book gives many practical suggestions.) Go to social events where you know eligible single men will be, even if you must travel. Strike up conversations online with people you know or through mutual connections. Go on group dates. Go to a dance where men hide in the bushes, ready to snag a wife (Jdg 21). There is an appropriate feminine aggression that is not a thirst-trap type of attention-getting. But you do have to make yourself known to other men.

What happens if you do all these things and you are still single? “What is wrong with me?” you might ask. There could be a couple of factors. First, there is a dearth of high-value, alpha-type godly men out there. Men have been emasculated by their parents, the church, and society. They are not aggressive. Also, as I’ve mentioned, there are so many outlets for men’s sexual tension that many have made themselves worthless. They have lost the incentive to pursue marriage and the godliness necessary to be good husbands.  They are consumed with porn or have become sexual players. There may not be anything wrong with you. It may be the men you are around.

Another problem might be you. You may not be honest with yourself about what you’re doing, how you look, or how you’re coming across to men. You don’t need someone around all the time “affirming” you. As mentioned earlier, you need someone who will be honest with you to help you get to the place you need to be.

If you discover that it’s not you, that you’ve done all you can and are still single, life is not over. You are not a second-class citizen in the kingdom. While it is not the norm for a lifetime of singleness, there are some, for whatever providential reason, who are called to remain single.

You do need to know that there is no substitute for marriage. No close friendship, church relationships, or animals (especially cats) will bring the same relationship fulfillment as marriage. You will have to learn to live with the difference. Consequently, you should not seek a surrogate husband or children you can claim as a mother. You must be careful of your expectations of other families. For example, other families should not be expected to take you in. That may not be prudent with a man and/or boys in the house. There needs to be a friendly tension that remains where you are comfortable but not “covenant comfortable” with the family. There are covenant boundaries that can’t be crossed. The covenant of marriage is unique and shouldn’t have a third party. That doesn’t mean that you are not genuinely welcome in their home. You, however, need to be aware of the lines and manage your expectations.

You can continue to join up with other singles of the same sex in close friendships, having fun and working together for Christ’s kingdom. You have a unique opportunity to devote the time that married women don’t have to projects and ministries. Not completely fulfilled in a man, your orientation is oriented toward Christ Jesus and his church. Invest yourself there.

For Christ’s kingdom,

Pastor Smith