All of his spirit goes out of a fool, but the wise stills it.
~Proverbs 29.11
No one likes a fake. When people come across as disingenuous, it is off-putting. Consequently, in our broader society and church, high value is placed on authenticity that is expressed in transparency. There is, of course, a need for authenticity. The Scriptures speak of this as faithfulness. But, as one of my seminary professors used to quip, “The devil’s favorite trick is to take a good thing too far.”
Authenticity and transparency have come to mean self-expression in any way you deem fit. If you are truly authentic, you will say all that you are thinking or feeling to the guy standing in front of you or to thousands, potentially millions, of people on social media. You should be able to speak with words, clothing (or lack thereof), hairstyles, piercings, or in any other way to tell everyone of your psychological brokenness, your rebellion against the oppressive powers that be, the goings on of what used to be called a private life, or any number of improprieties. Restraint is inauthentic. It is a lie of the highest order because psychological nudity is the highest good. Restraint from self-exposure is the great sin. “I’m just being real.”
Solomon disagrees with our present understanding of authenticity and transparency. The discipline of restraint, controlling your emotions and, consequently, restraining your tongue (and all other forms of non-verbal communication), are signs of wisdom. While you think you are being authentic, you might just be a fool who talks too much.
Proverbs 29.11 may speak of a man provoked who reacts with the full force of his anger. His “spirit” may refer to the expression of anger in this context. His skin is as thin as a balloon inflated to maximum capacity, and any irritation is the pinprick that will release everything inside all at once. A wise man has a cool spirit (Pr 17.27); he is unflappable, remaining level-headed when provoked, having control over his emotions and, therefore, his words. The wise man has disciplined his emotions and, consequently, has disciplined his tongue.
I do not believe that the application of this verse is limited to expressions of anger. Many other proverbs that speak to the restraint of the tongue as being wise corroborate this, I believe (see, e.g., 10.19; 13.3; 15.28; 17.27-28; 20.25; 21.23). Saying everything you are thinking and feeling is the action of a fool. A fool tells you everything he is thinking or feeling at the moment without consideration of context. He’s the blunt guy who “speaks his mind.” He’s the emotional guy who wants to share everything whether in anger, whining, or gut spilling. This is emotional nudity that is inappropriate in many contexts. He flattens out all contexts. Everywhere, everything, and everyone are the same and in the same relationship with me. There are no distinctions.
The wise man doesn’t say everything he is thinking and/or feeling. This is not being “disingenuous,” as if the only way I can be genuine with someone is if I completely expose myself to him. There are some things that others don’t have the right to know for their own good and for yours.
The one who holds back what he is thinking or feeling, protecting himself and others from the harm that would potentially come from giving full vent, is loving the other person more than he loves himself. Giving full vent means that you want others to pay or suffer with you instead of absorbing it yourself and dealing with it between you and God. Everyone must know how you feel because they, somehow, are indebted to serve you to make you happy, giving you those, “you know we love you,” “you go girl,” and “atta boys” on social media.
Wise people–people who have well-ordered lives and relationships, people who understand what relationships ought to be and have the skills to make them so–wise people restrain their tongues, being willing to take as much personal responsibility for their own ways of thinking and feeling as possible without involving other people.
As soon as I say stuff like this, some people will react, “So I’m not supposed to unburden myself to others at all.” I didn’t say that, and Solomon is not saying that. There are certain people within certain contexts in which it is appropriate to do so. The fool pays no attention to those distinctions. Everyone has to know how he is feeling and what he is thinking. Your spouse, a close friend, or a trusted counselor are all appropriate to talk to about these deep issues.
With that said, an aim of Solomon here and elsewhere is for his son and all those who want to be wise to become mentally tough and emotionally disciplined so that you can handle burdens in a way that doesn’t needlessly over-burden someone else; where you are not needlessly putting strains on relationships because you are undisciplined and emotionally or psychologically weak.
You are not being “inauthentic” when you restrain your speech. You are being wise. Unrestrained self-expression is not the greatest good. It is the action of a fool.
