The best defense is a good offense. We often hear this in the world of sports, but it is also generally true in all of life. Proactively pursuing positive, productive disciplines is better than defensively sitting around telling yourself not to engage in this sinful activity or not to think about that sin. What happens when I tell you not to think about a horse? The image of a horse comes to mind. The more you tell yourself not to think about it, the more you find yourself dwelling on it. Instead of defensively dwelling upon what we are not supposed to do, we need to be offensively pursuing what is good, true, and beautiful.
This principle holds true in relationships. Being prepared to forgive is necessary because offenses will come (Mt 18.7). But there are ways to take preemptive strikes against the sins that would destroy our relationship. We do this by pursuing peace. In this article and the next, I will give you some ways to do so in contrast with ways to destroy peace.
Pursuing peace is a biblical command. Psalm 34 instructs us, “Depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.” Paul tells the Romans to “be of the same mind with one another” (Rom 12.16) and as much as it depends on us, live at peace with all men (Rom 12.18). Pursuing peace is a spiritual discipline.
Riffing off of Ken Sande’s book The Peacemaker, you will either be a peacemaker or a peace-breaker. Certain attitudes and actions characterize both.
One characteristic of the peacemaker is that he allows and appreciates differences between himself and others. This is rooted in the nature of our Triune God and is a truth expressed throughout his created order. God eternally exists as Father, Son, and Spirit. The Father is not the Son and the Son is not the Father. The Son is not the Spirit, and the Spirit is not the Son. Etc. Each is a distinct Person with a particular role in the work of God. We see this in creation (Gen 1) and redemption (Eph 1). The diversity within the Godhead is a strength, not a weakness. Diversity doesn’t put each member at odds with the other. Instead, the distinctions are celebrated so that each member glorifies the other.
The body of Christ, the church, as the renewed image of God is both a unity and diversity; one body with many members (Rom 12; 1Cor 12; Eph 4). Like the Godhead, there is not uniformity but unity-in-diversity. We are called to recognize our distinctions and not grudgingly tolerate them but genuinely appreciate them. People are different, and that is good.
People have different opinions on non-essential issues. They do things differently than you would do them. They homeschool while you send your children to private school. They use traditional medicine and you are all about being homeopathic. Our various opinions should not be viewed as threats to one another but as opportunities to clarify our own thinking and ways of doing things.
People have different gifts. They are better at some things than you are, and you are better at other things than they are. Peacemakers see these differences as good and appreciate the contributions each of you is making to the mission of the church.
If you want to be a peace-breaker, be hyper-critical of others, focusing on the differences non-sinful differences between you as faults or deficiencies. This is a defense mechanism that allows you not to feel inferior and inadequate. Hyper-critical people, though they come across as self-assured tend to be insecure, always afraid of their weaknesses, faults, limitations, or sins being revealed. The hyper-critical person can’t live in a happy, healthy relationship with others because no one is ever living up to his unrealistic, ever-changing standards of perfection.
To determine if you are a peacemaker or peace-breaker, examine yourself or have someone close to you help you with an examination by answering these questions: What do you think about when you see people with strengths that you don’t have, opinions that differ from you, gifts that make them more prominent than you? Do you begrudge them of it, or do you rejoice in the fact that God has put you in relationship with them? What are your expectations of people? Are they really reasonable? Have you taken into account human limitations? Have you considered others’ history, life-situation, et al before expecting them to be or do this or that?
Another characteristic of a peacemaker is that he is humble, esteeming others better than himself. Humility is characteristic of God himself. Father, Son, and Spirit eternally serve one another so that the others are glorified. This is revealed in Christ Jesus, the eternal Son made flesh, who humbled himself to the point of dying on the cross so that we might be glorified. We are to share this humble character with our God (Phil 2.1-11).
Humility, as C. S. Lewis writes, is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less. Humility is putting the needs of others ahead of your own comforts. Humility is not overly-demanding of others to meet your needs but seeks to help others in their needs. This may even take the shape of giving up your legitimate rights if that is what is best. That is what Christ Jesus did (Phil 2.6-8). There are occasions we are called to do this (1Cor 6.1ff.). There are times to insist on your rights as well. Both can be expressions of humility if what you are seeking is the benefit of others.
The peace-breaker, however, insists on his own way all of the time. He is filled with pride. Pride demands its own way without regard for how it serves the needs of others. This creates strife (Prov 13.10). When you place demands on friends that they meet your needs in the way you want without regard for their time, energy, or other responsibilities, you are a peace-breaker. Why should this person even try? Prideful people who demand to be served are black holes that are never satisfied and only consume everyone around them. They are the leech that has two daughters, Give and Give (Prov 30.5). No one can live at peace with you because, like the hyper-critical person, you have an unquenchable thirst, an insatiable hunger that no person can satisfy. When you use up one host, you simply move to another victim.
So, you must ask yourself some questions: Am I so consumed with my own world and my perceived personal needs that I do not think about the needs of others? Am I willing to deprive myself of some comforts in order to meet the needs of others?
Pursing peace requires that we share the character of the God of peace, that we allow and appreciate the distinctions between us and we relate to one another in humility.
Pursue peace.
