Sexual restraint in our Western culture is not a virtue. To deny your urges for sexual expression is, at the least, a passé morality of a puritanical by-gone era or, at most, abusive. Sexual expression is practically a sacred right, codified by law-making bodies and upheld by the courts under the constitutional privilege of “right to privacy.” Even so-called conservatives become libertarian when it comes to questions of sexual morality. What people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms or how they want to identify themselves sexually should be up to them, and no one should be able to say anything negative about them or deny them any privileges that those who live out “traditional sexual morality” enjoy. This lack of personal and authoritative discipline seems fine until you are dealing with sexually transmitted infections, rampant illegitimacy, homosexuals demanding to be “married,” and Johnny proclaiming himself a female so that he can shower with the girls whom he recently beat in some athletic competition.
Our sexual lives are not private. They are a part and parcel to the world-building, dominion project that God gave us as his image from the beginning. For this reason, they are public; not in the sense of being open to voyeurs, but rather in the sense of having public ramifications. Our sexual lives are created to serve our mission as humanity. When unrestrained by that context, sexual expression becomes bondage to sin leading to death. For this reason, God has called us to discipline our sexual appetites.
God created us with sexual appetites. When he created man male and female and commanded them to be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth and have dominion over it, he gave them their sexual appetite. Those appetites he declared “good” (Gen 1.31). But they are only “good” within the context for which he created them: marriage between a man and woman for the purpose of fulfilling our God-given mission.
Solomon, instructing his son in the ways of wisdom, is training him how to be a world-builder. In order to do this, he must find a helper, a wife. Unlike the first Adam, God will not create only one choice for him. He will have to discern between two categories of women, wise and foolish. His mission will either succeed or fail depending on which woman he chooses.
One desire driving him in this quest is his sexual appetite. Just as the hungry man is driven to work so that he may eat, denying himself of certain pleasures while focusing his energy and effort to work, so the son is driven by sexual hunger. But he must discipline this appetite, discerning between food that is life-giving and what is poison. Just because he can mechanically take an object, put it in his mouth, chew, and swallow it doesn’t mean that what he is eating is food. It could very well be poison. So it is with his sexual appetite. He must learn what is on God’s sexual menu and is life-giving versus what is poison. He must not allow his sexual appetite to dominate him. He must exhibit self-control, the ability to resist his urges for immediate gratification. If he doesn’t, he will be a defenseless city, controlled by a thousand masters (Pr 25.28).
The son is not to deny his sexual appetite. It is a God-given means to complete his mission. But to complete his mission, he must focus that appetite in the right direction and use it for the proper purpose. He must discipline himself for that greater mission and keep his sexual appetite subordinated to that mission. Indeed, he must use his sexual hunger to drive him into the arms of the right woman in the right way.
Sexual relations serve God’s purpose for marriage … not the other way around. The young man (as well as any young woman) must learn what those purposes are and train character accordingly.
God gave the gift of sexual relations so that we might become one flesh, united in the deepest possible way with a person of the opposite sex in marriage. If you are not self-disciplined, as I mentioned, you have a thousand masters using your own impulses to control you. Whether it is images on a screen or multiple sexual encounters, these sexual aberrations are rival loyalties that keep you from giving yourself to one other person in a healthy way. You can’t be a faithful “one flesh” person if you are controlled by your impulses.
Sexual relations are also for the purpose of procreation. The biblical word is “fruitfulness.” That is a rich word. Fruitfulness is more than sheer numbers. Philanderers can produce numbers. The fruitfulness God demands is that which moves the dominion project forward; that is, ordering the world under the lordship of God’s Son. Fruitfulness happens within the context of a marriage in which people give themselves to one another in love and give themselves in love to the discipleship of their children. Sexual discipline involves becoming a person who is willing to take on life-long responsibilities.
The sexual discipline that God requires of us doesn’t exclude pleasure. He created sexual relations for pleasure. One need only read Proverbs 5.15-19 and the Song of Songs to know that sex is not merely meant for mechanical baby-making. This delight in one another is predicated on being able to give yourself to one another, which again, can only happen with the deepest delight when you are loyal to only one.
The pleasure that comes with sexual relations also involves attraction. For this reason, the aim of our sexual discipline should be to be as physically attractive as we can be to the opposite sex or our spouse. No, your personality is not sexually attractive in itself. It is vital, but it is not sufficient. You need to discipline yourself to present yourself as attractively as possible.
Another aim of sexual relations within marriage is maturity. A man and woman complete one another, making us more together than we could be individually. The sexual union is meant to contribute to our maturation as individuals and a community. This maturation is not for ourselves alone, but for the larger mission. The mission of dominion can’t be completed without marriage and the sexual relations in marriage. Consequently, as singles, you need to be working on becoming marriage material, and for those of us who are married, we must be continually disciplining ourselves to be godly husbands and wives.
If you haven’t been disciplined to this point, there is forgiveness. God forgives and can raise you from the death of your sinful sexual experiences. The scars will remain, but there can be health. Repentance means starting where you are and disciplining yourself from this point forward.
