Slow To Speak

Whoever restrains his words has knowledge,
and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.
Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise;
when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.
Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire;
he breaks out against all sound judgment.
A fool takes no pleasure in understanding,
but only in expressing his opinion.
When wickedness comes, contempt comes also,
and with dishonor comes disgrace.
The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters;
the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook.

Proverbs 17:27–28; 18:1-4

If I think about the number of hours I have watched sitcoms, it explains a lot about what kind of speech I have encountered (and practiced, I’m afraid) and why it has often not worked out that well for me.

The essential feature of many sitcoms for every age is that someone outwits someone else. As a person encounters a situation he says something, on the spot, that is really clever. When he has an argument, he makes a smart if insulting response that seems funny. This goes on and on.

What is true in every case in a sitcom is that no one is actually thinking up anything to say on the spot. No one spontaneously comes up with a witty comeback. It is all script. It was all written beforehand by a team of writers and memorized by the actors.

So a system of writing, memorization, and rehearsal is used in our culture to produce an ideal of how people should talk to one another in a quick, witty, and often insulting manner.

In the passage above and others, Solomon is telling us that in real life that kind of speech behavior often doesn’t work out—not just because it’s mean or gross, but because it’s stupid. Intelligent human beings who want to prosper in the world cannot afford to operate their mouths that way.

In the Bible generally, having the right words for the right situation is considered very difficult. When Jesus told his disciples they would have to speak for him he promised them supernatural aid.

And when they bring you before the synagogues and the rulers and the authorities, do not be anxious about how you should defend yourself or what you should say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.”

Luke 12:11–12

I quoted Proverbs 17:27-18:4 because I think it is easy to find a unifying theme.

Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.

It is easy to see that these verses are both about speech and specifically about not doing too much of it. More on that below. But next we read:

Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment. A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

Now, if I took Proverbs 18.1 by itself, one would think it referred to living by oneself. I have often looked at that verse in isolation (no pun intended) and assumed that is what it meant.

But the verse refers to hostility to “sound judgement” and the next verse says the same thing about “understanding.” Perhaps you isolate yourself when you don’t listen. And, in fact, one way you don’t listen is by expressing your opinion all the time because you don’t restrain your words.

Then what follows is a general warning against wickedness followed by a description about how wise words can be a blessing.

When wickedness comes, contempt comes also, and with dishonor comes disgrace. The words of a man’s mouth are deep waters; the fountain of wisdom is a bubbling brook.

Now the next few verses have some more references to speech but they also seem to branch off into other considerations. So there might be another way or several ways to analyse and group these sayings in Proverbs.

With that in mind, let’s look again at that first verse (17:27) and consider one way the Bible pictures speech. To say “Whoever restrains his words has knowledge” seems to presuppose that the key to intelligent speech is more about figuring out what not to say than about figuring what you should say. Or that the problem isn’t creating the right word but restraining the many other wrong ones.

Proverbs 10:19 says the same thing: “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.”

The picture seems to be that you have a huge supply of words, but you will do the most good and demonstrate the most intelligence and love, if you only release some of them.

Why would that be the way it is for Christians? We know a bad guy should be told not to speak bad words. But why should a righteous man not expect that his words will be righteous?

Maybe you can remember learning to drive or what happens when you have taught someone else to drive. You probably didn’t have a smooth and easy experience with someone who had never been behind the steering wheel before. The first time someone pushed on the gas pedal you probably went way faster than he meant to. The first time a new driver hits the brake he probably stops way too fast. It can be a rather scary and jerky experience.

What’s going on? Well, the new driver is not used to having all that power under the control of the twitch of his foot. The car can go immensely fast—far faster than you need to back out of the driveway. The brakes can bring you to a stop quite quickly even if you’re traveling at a great speed, far more quickly than you usually need to stop. All that power under your control according to how hard you press on a pedal takes some getting used to. You have to learn to restrain the power of the car. Just because the pedal will go all the way to the floorboard doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to push it that far.

You have probably realized that James uses a similar analogy for speaking.

For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs.

James 3:2-4

Our words are powerful. God made us to do amazing things by speaking. For that reason it is important to think about what we want to happen and speak according to what we want and not what makes us feel vindicated or powerful. That not only requires love towards men and obedience to God, but also it requires for us to think before we speak.

And the only way we can possibly do that—the only way we will have time to think about what is the best thing to say—is if we get in the habit of hesitating to speak. Speaking slowly is a generally good habit.

Consider a well-known Proverb: “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (15:1). That is not a hard principle to figure out. One reason a person might not follow that wisdom is because he doesn’t care. Someone else used a harsh word on him and now he’s mad and he’s going to fight back with words, not caring about defusing the situation.

That’s one kind of folly. But even a person who is committed to loving others and being kind can become upset at how he’s being spoken to and blurt out the first thing that comes into his head. Solomon is telling you that you need to get into the habit of slowing down and thinking about what you need to say. Without that habit, you’re at the mercy of anyone who provokes you.

That’s what James tells us too, right? “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (1:19).

Speech and anger are often talked about together not because anger is always sinful, but because speaking while angry is so easily sinful and even self-destructive. So Solomon visits the issue a lot.

• “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11).
• “Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly” (Proverbs 14:29).

A lot of these passages are especially about the expression of anger. In that James passage, being slow to speak and slow to anger might be the same thing. The point is, when you’ve been provoked, that is probably not the time to start responding off the top of your head. It is akin to driving under the influence.

This may seem like rather simple advice and you might wonder why God would inspire something like this in his word that almost seems like self-help material. But remember, God wants His people to be distinctive by the speech they are known for. Paul talks to the Colossians about how the pagans behaved and contrasts that with how Christians should behave. And, as in many other places, speech is central to the contrasting ways of life: 3:7–14

In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free; but Christ is all, and in all.

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Again, becoming a person who loves God’s people instead of being jealous or spiteful will do a lot, but it won’t be enough. You need to practice the habit of being slow to speak, of restraining your words.

You’ve got a powerful brain, but not everything it thinks is going to be appropriate for public consumption in a given moment. So you need to learn to restrain your words so you can say the right thing and be that fountain of wisdom. We have a lot of power at our disposal. God wants us to selectively use our power of speech in the right way.

I wrote above about the kind of speech that is often modeled in our culture in sitcoms. We are taught to idealize a quick reply. A related assumption seems to be that we are owed the satisfaction of saying what we feel. We feel we have to get it off our chests. The image is that we’re suffocating until we have our say.

That may be appropriate with a close friend or a spouse especially if we’re willing to listen to their counsel. But, in most circumstances, saying the first thing that comes to mind is more oppressive than liberating.

And let’s remember the goal. The apostle Paul, speaking on another subject, spells out the goal of maturity, and defines it as self rule—that we aren’t under the power of waves and wind (Eph 4.14). Each of us are made in God’s image and supposed to take dominion over our lives. We’re not going to be able to do that well if we feel obligated to speak on the basis of our feelings at the moment and not on the basis of what we want to achieve. Solomon says that our ability to choose our words makes us greater. Restraining our words does not restrain us but empowers us.

• “Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city” (16:32).
• “A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls” (25:28).

Jesus died and rose as a new creation to reestablish us as men and women charged to take dominion over creation. As James tells us, one of the most difficult challenges is taking charge of our own speech, but it is also one of the most important for our own happiness, for our witness, and for subduing the world.