child rearing Archives - Kuyperian Commentary

On December 2, 2015 By Kuyperian In Scribblings 1

Education or Propaganda?

Last summer in a talk entitled “The Harmony of Contemplation,” author and educator Tracy Lee Simmons briefly contrasted the educated mind with the propagandized mind: “[What is] the difference between the educated and the propagandized mind? The one is prompted to think, the other is anesthetized to thought. The one is given the greatest questions, the other is supplied with canned answers. The one seeks a measured and rational view of oneself and others, the other can be lulled into satisfaction with caricatures.”

As our children grow, we parents are often faced with questions that baffle us, stump us, and ultimately, humble us. As this occurs, remembering Mr. Simmons’ three comparisons can help us educate our children as opposed to merely propagandizing them. (more…)

I’ve Stopped Yelling. Can I Stop Scowling?

by Marc Hays

Over a year ago, I stopped yelling at my children. The urge to vent my displeasure became increasingly distasteful until I could hear myself snap at them just before I did it. Whatever the child had done, whatever infraction had occurred, ceased to kindle my ire like the thought of hearing myself lash out at them. Accompanying this conviction, my sin decreased. Go figure. It is encouraging to no end for a man to see that the deeds of his flesh can be mortified as Scripture says they must and for a man, alive in Christ, to experience the Holy Spirit at work, bearing good fruit on formerly dead limbs.

As my desire to shout the fear of God into my children waned, I found an increasing zeal to see my children flourish. Replacing the idle threats about their doom, should they fail to mend their ways, was an increase in instruction concerning righteousness and sin; wisdom and foolishness; repentance and forgiveness. I yell less, if at all, which is good, and instruct more, which is better still, but as with most virtues, too much of a good thing is no longer a good thing.

I’ve found that my new virtue has become my new vice, for at some point a father’s instruction becomes a father’s lecture, which at yet another point becomes a father’s tongue-lashing. I am quick with my mouth and hasty in my heart, therefore my words can in no way be described as “few.” Quick with my mouth—speaking before thinking, and hasty in my heart—not patient enough to raise them over a lifetime, wanting to accomplish it all at once. As I lecture, and lecture, and lecture some more, I can see that they go from being instructed, to being irritated, to being bored—anxious to get back to the life that comes at the end of my soliloquy.

If my verbal instruction merely waxed long, there would be less of a problem than there actually is, because along with this extended scolding comes an explicit scowling. My voice is calmer than it once was; I’ve learned to keep the decibels down, which prevents the veins in my neck from popping out as far, but I know that my face tells the story of a dad who is not remembering his own sin at that moment, a dad who is not treating his children the way he wants to be treated, a dad who is not loving his neighbor as himself.

If Jesus is King over every square inch of creation, which He is, then wouldn’t that include every square inch of my face as well? Can I be serious about sin without scowling about it? Can I handle my children’s sin biblically without acting like they’re the first ones to ever do it? Does it help for me to act like I’m surprised that they don’t do everything right all the time, or that they committed this particular household crime again?

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not behave itself unseemly. It is not rude.

God is patient. God is kind. He does not behave himself unseemly. He is not rude.

When it comes to raising our children in the fear and admonition of the Lord, are we patient? Are we kind? In disciplining our children, do we behave ourselves in a way that would be embarrassing for anyone else to see? That would be unseemly. Even if we’ve stopped yelling, do we berate them with our words? That would be rude.

Children are to respect and obey their parents; parents are to respect and disciple their children. To put it technically, the economic relationship is different, but the ontological relationship is the same. Parents must correct; parents must instruct. Children must take heed; children must amend their ways. This economic reality is one of complementary difference, but ontologically—in our being—we are exactly the same as our children. We are no more image-bearers of the triune God than they are. We are exactly the same in our being—identical.

It is this identity that makes the whole parenting thing work. Can a wolf raise a Mowgli? Probably. Can a wolf identify with a Mowgli? Barely. Can we identify with our children’s struggles and temptations? Yes, indeed. Can we long for their sanctification as we long for our own? Definitely. Can we stop lecturing long enough to think about how we would like to be treated? Can we remember how it feels to be scolded so that we keep our scolding at a minimum and our patient, kind instruction at a maximum? In Christ, empowered by His Holy Spirit, we can, and we must.

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not behave itself unseemly. It is not rude.<>

Are You Planning on Delighting in Your Children Today?

Yesterday, I posted “Are You Planning on Yelling at Your Children Today?” and a whole bunch of people read it. I am thinking that the overwhelming majority of you are struggling with the same sour-puss attitudes in your home that my wife and I have been for many years. Not our children’s attitudes. Ours. They are picking those attitudes up from us and honing them into weapons of mass destruction.

If you read and shared the article yesterday because the Lord used me as “Nathan” in your life and you played the role of “the man,” then I would like to ask, “What are you going to do about it?” What does repentance look like? An ex-drunkard can stay away from bars, and an ex-porn participator can stay away from the pictures, but if we’re stuck with our kids, and we most gloriously are, then what are we to do? And as whiskey and nudity are not the problems in those aforementioned cases, the wicked heart of the sinner is the problem, so also it is in the case of your fits of anger with your kids. You need to be changed in order to affect any change in your routine at home, i.e. if you’ve been yelling at you kids every day for years, don’t expect one internet article to “make all the difference in the world.”

As sinners, we have a wrong view of God, a wrong view of ourselves, a wrong view of our neighbor, and a wrong view of the world around us. As Christians, it doesn’t have to stay this way; we don’t have to be the way we were, because Jesus came to shine light into darkness. He has been doing this since He originally said, “Let there be light,” (Gen 1:3); afterward He was conceived by the Holy Spirit (Mt. 1:18), born of the Virgin Mary to be that light of the world (John 8:12); one day there will be no need of a sun when the world is put to rights, because His presence, His kingdom, will have come in its fullness (Rev 21:23). If we are serious about changing the way we are behaving around our children while we are trying to get them to behave, we need His Word to be a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path.” (Ps 119:105)

As a remedy to your enraged berating of your children, you need to hear the Word of God. You are dark on the inside and need light shined in that darkness. As I said yesterday, the Lord has been using Pastor Douglas Wilson, as he preaches the Word of God, as a “Nathan” in my life for years. I referenced his sermon series, Loving Little Ones. Here’s a great quote from the first sermon:

Parents should always desire to be like God in their relationship to their children. But when we think this, we gravitate to what we think or assume God is like instead of gravitating to what God reveals Himself to be like. Here is the fundamental attitude. “The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing” (Zep. 3:17). “If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?” (Luke 11:13). Parents who are “evil” frequently are better to their kids than parents who think they are being good by imitating a Cosmic Slavedriver. Delight in your children. Be crazy about them. Don’t hold back. They are cuter than everybody else’s.

In order to stop yelling and start delighting, you don’t need another internet article, per se. You need to dig in to the Word of God and be cut deeply by the working of the Holy Spirit. I highly recommend ordering the sermon series, Loving Little Ones, actively listening to them with your spouse, and then start inviting other families in your church and community over to your house to listen with you. It’s not a formula or a method. It’s four hours of principles to help you restructure the way you think about childrearing. If you don’t restructure the current model, don’t expect any sort of change. However, if you humble yourself before the Lord, He will lift you up. He will forgive you your trespasses and give you a soft heart in place of the stony one you currently have toward your kids. Then you can stop yelling and start delighting for today. For tomorrow. For ever.

Here’s the link to the sermon series. It’ll be the best spent $8 that you’ve forked over in a long time.

http://www.canonpress.org/store/pc/viewPrd.asp?idproduct=473&idcategory=158