Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4
Guest Series from Pastor Rich Lusk
The conversation over masculinity also has implications for how we understand the “servant leader” model of leadership in the home. Servant-leadership, as commonly understood in evangelical circles, has taken quite a beating in recent years, and rightfully so. Obviously, the servant leadership model is biblical because it derives from Jesus: he said the first shall be last; he is the Son of Man ( = New Adam), possessing authority, but he came among us to serve; he said the greatest of all is the one who becomes slave of all; he was exalted because he humbled himself and promises the same pattern to us; he stooped to wash the disciples feet even though he was Lord over them all. But the “servant leadership” model is all too easily twisted, and this has become the Achilles’ heel of complementarianism.
The real problem is that complementarianism has produced a lot of beta “nice guys” who think the way to get what they want is by giving others what they want. It’s what Robert Glover calls a “covert contract.” You see it in the Al Mohler quote Aaron Renn has called attention to when describing a man’s sexual relationship with his wife: Mohler suggests the man qualifies himself for sex and will (presumably) get the sex he desires by becoming what he thinks his wife wants. But I have done enough marriage counseling to know it does not work that way. A man who makes himself subservient is not going to faithfully execute the office of husband, and he is not going to win the respect of his wife over the long haul. A wife does not need or want her husband to be a “Yes man” to her. She needs him to lead her.
This is the real issue with “servant leadership.” Under this model, anytime a husband does not let the wife have her way, he can be accused of failing to serve her. And so practically, the marriage becomes no different from an egalitarian or feminist marriage where the woman runs the show. The man is only “allowed” to use his authority in ways that have his wife’s permission, whether explicit or implicit. He is only “allowed” to use his authority in ways his wife approves of which means he has no real authority at all. Instead, her emotions and felt needs come to rule the marriage. If the husband and wife disagree, the only way forward is for him to give in because otherwise, he would become a tyrannical patriarch, forcing his own will on her rather than serving her. Jesus would (presumably) give the wife what she wants, so the husband should too. If Jesus died for his bride, how can any husband refuse to give his wife what she desires? How can he say “No, honey, we’re not going to do that,” when he is supposed to serve her? Thus, “servant leadership” morphs into subservience; the head becomes the helper and the helper the head. This is Satanic role reversal accomplished in the name of Scripture. It is overthrowing the marriage’s built-in authority structure, which leads to chaos and confusion.
Feminists will never give in to their husbands because to do so is to allow herself to be controlled by him and that’s the one thing she cannot allow; thus she will continue to defy her husband in order to prove she is a real feminist. But the complementarian wife can get the same result by telling her husband, “You’re not serving me like Jesus. How can I follow you as my leader unless you serve me?” And thus the beat of the gynocentric order goes on. Basically, the “servant leader” model becomes a way for a wife to exercise control over her husband since he can be accused of tyranny or being self-serving any time he does not go along with her wishes. The “servant leader” model all too easily allows her to exercise veto power over anything he wants to do because she can shame him for not being the servant she’s been led to expect and thinks she deserves. She can play the “Jesus card” anytime she wants to trump her husband.
The problem, of course, is this is NOT how Jesus serves his church and so it is NOT what “servant-leadership” should be taken to mean. When Jesus died for his bride, he was not responding to a felt need. He was certainly not letting the bride determine the shape of his mission. In the Gospels, Jesus always leads the way and the disciples follow behind; they do not always even know or understand where he is taking them, but he keeps leading (cf. Mark 9-10). Or consider the picture in Revelation 19, with Jesus out in front, his disciples following in his train as he rides into battle. While Jesus serves his bride, and does allow her to give counsel (prayer), he never asks her permission to do anything and she always has to submit to him even when he does something contrary to her wishes. In other words, he serves her by ruling her. In the complementarian view, the man leads by serving — which means he does not really lead at all; in the gospel (patriarchal) view, the man serves by leading — his leadership is actually a form of service. The complementarian husband all too easily becomes a figurehead rather than a functioning head, and in that way, he actually fails to be like Jesus.
Here’s the rub: this model of “servant leadership” is so popular precisely because it allows men to be lazy cowards who do not really have to take charge of anything; they can continually defer to their wives in the name of serving them. So this model actually allows men and women both to go along with their worst fleshly/fallen tendencies, but under the guise of godliness: She does not have to submit and gets to control him, and he does not have to actually lead or rule, but can abdicate. Of course, this makes them both miserable in the long run, as she is not going to be satisfied with or attracted to a man she can control, and he is going to feel emasculated for letting her pull the strings. But this dynamic is all too common in Christian marriages today.
The root of the problem is that so many modern men, perhaps especially in the church, are functionally castrated. We have recreated Jesus into our own effeminate image. Castrated men, and the women who castrated them, have preferred a castrated Jesus. But this is not the Jesus of the gospel. It is not the Jesus who prayed imprecatory psalms through his forerunners. It is not the Jesus of the resurrection (30 AD) or vindication (70 AD). It is not the Jesus who made a whip and turned over tables. It is not the Jesus we are called to worship and to imitate.
Christ is the model for both men and women. Both men and women must strive to be like Christ. But this does not exclude the reality of “gendered piety.” A godly man will be Christ-like in specifically masculine ways. A godly woman will express her Christ-likeness in distinctively feminine ways. The way in which biblical theology makes use of gender matters. Jesus had to come as a man — he is the eternal Son, after all. His people must be identified in some way as corporately feminine. There are both masculine and feminine motifs in the Christian life. As bride, we are Christ’s helper, submitting to him so his mission can be fulfilled and his dominion can be extended. As sons of God and soldiers in his army, we are called to the manly battle of fighting against sin and running the race of life in such a way as to get the prize. We strive, even agonize in battle. Unfortunately, we live in a day in which the church has down-played the masculine themes, hoping to create a softer and gentler version of the Christian faith, suitable for our feminized age. Charles Spurgeon faced the same thing in his day and fought back, explaining that becoming a Christian did not require the sacrifice of a man’s manhood: “There has got abroad the notion, somehow, that if you become a Christian, you must sink your manliness and turn milksop…Young men, I would honestly say that I should be ashamed to speak to you of a religion that would make you soft, cowardly, effeminate, spiritless.” Grace restores nature, which means the gospel restores men to true manhood, even as it restores women to true womanhood.
To conclude: How do we integrate the vision of manhood found in Jesus with the vision of manhood found in Psalm 128? The blessed man of Psalm 128 has what most every man was designed to want — a loving wife and children, enfolded into a joyous domestic culture; productive labor that extends his dominion in the world as he seeks to take care of his family; a larger community to be part of, namely, Zion/Jerusalem (the church); and a glorious future with grandkids who can carry on his legacy. But I can assure you there is no way for a man to have all this without making sacrifices. Psalm 128 shows us the fruit of this blessed man’s life, but behind the scenes, we know he is putting in the work to make it all possible. Indeed, the psalmist tells us the blessed man is fearing God and walking in his ways (128:1). This means a life of sacrificial giving and cross-bearing. Of course, if we drill down deeply into this, we will find ourselves back in Genesis 2, when the man first discovered that he could not fulfill the mandate God gave him without a helper. How did he get the helper he so desperately needed? God put him into a death-like sleep and then sacrificed him, tearing him apart in his side. Out of that wound — out the blood and water — God built him a woman to be his beloved companion and submissive helper. He was given his woman through a passive sacrifice, but he will win her and keep her by continuing to make active sacrifices for her and for the good of the family they build together. In other words, the way to be the blessed man of Psalm 128 is through a pattern of continual death to self and resurrection into glory. This is how the blessed man serves his family. This is how the blessed man lives: Just as Jesus lived — and indeed lives even now.
