Forgiveness Is Not…

Most of us don’t like turmoil. When there is tension in our relationships, we want to resolve it so that we can live joyful and anxiety-free. To do that, there are times that we may be willing to short-circuit the process of reconciliation through not dealing adequately with sin. We have been told that, as Christians, we have the responsibility to forgive. Some trying to take this seriously, believe that this means that you release the person from all responsibility for his actions, the necessity for him to change, let him continue the way he is living, and you, being a good Christian, bear all of the scars and residual pain. Or maybe, because we don’t like the discomfort of the whole situation, we dismissively say, “I forgive you” to paper over the sin in the relationship so that we don’t have to do the uncomfortable work of working through it. However, if the goal of forgiveness is peace in a relationship–a healthy wholeness between individuals–then the process of forgiveness can’t be cheapened in these ways. As disciples of Jesus, Christians are called into a lifestyle of forgiveness which involves dealing appropriately with sin and seeking to restore a communion of peace with others.

There are some misconceptions concerning forgiveness that need to be cleared up.

1. Forgiveness is not refusing to deal with sin.

Since the aim of forgiveness is a restoration of peace in the relationship, that which is causing the breach must be addressed, especially when it is a persistent problem whether because of ignorance or a refusal to repent. Because we don’t want to come across as mean or judgmental (two mortal sins in American Christianity), we refuse to confront the sin and allow the opportunity for the healing of forgiveness and repentance to take place. We excuse our lack of dealing with sin in a relationship as being loving and, thus, a good Christian. Maybe we have taught that this is what forgiveness looks like. However, dealing with sin in this way is not loving and may even be cowardice. In the end, sin will blow up the relationship whether interpersonal or in the church. This is why Jesus commanded us to deal with sins in our relationships in Matthew 18.15-17.

Holding someone accountable for his actions doesn’t mean that you are unforgiving. It may look like retributive justice when the sinning party must confess his sin publicly or is made to make restitution for what he has done, but that all depends on the aim of your actions. Are you wanting to restore the relationship or just get your pound of flesh? God endorses the former and condemns the latter.

The grace of forgiveness and love for the other person moves you not only to release a person from the full penalty of his sin but also seeks to help him live healthily as the image of God.

2. Forgiveness is not being “healed” through therapy or counseling.

There are times that we mistake forgiveness with feeling better about the situation. We have “worked through it” ourselves in counseling or therapy without ever actually addressing the other person. There are times that we all need to deal with our sinful emotions even after we have done the difficult work of confrontation and the person has repented or has refused to repent. But we must not mistake getting things off of our chest with a counselor as a substitute for seeking to restore the relationship. Any counselor worth his salt will encourage you to take appropriate actions toward the offender and will refuse to counsel you further if you refuse to do so.

3. Forgiveness is not necessarily complete restoration of a relationship to the way that it was before the sin occurred.

There are times that forgiveness immediately restores the relationship and can even bring it to a better place than it was before. But sin, especially serious sin, has consequences. Sometimes those consequences cause damage that can’t be restored in this life.

What if a wife is unfaithful to her husband without repentance so that her husband legitimately divorces her? If she doesn’t repent until years later and after he has subsequently remarried, that relationship can’t be restored. Sin has consequences.

When Adam and Eve sinned and were expelled from the Garden, they were forgiven immediately, but there were not allowed re-entry. Could they enjoy communion with God? Yes. But their lives would never be the same. Eventually, all will be made right, but the long-lasting effects of sin remained.

We can forgive and end the hostility between us as siblings in Christ Jesus, but there are times that the sin we committed will not allow us to enjoy the same type of relationship we had before the sin was committed. There are various levels of reconciliation.

4. Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation.

Forgiveness will not always restore previous intimacy in a relationship. Neither will forgiveness always mean that reconciliation will take place even at its most basic levels. For reconciliation to take place, both parties involved must pursue it. Forgiveness may be granted by one person, refusing to exact revenge or hold bitterness. But the other person must respond to your actions of forgiveness with any admission of guilt, confession, and repentance for there to be reconciliation at any level.

No matter how sincere your offer of forgiveness may be, you can’t make the other person respond. You only have control over your own attitudes and actions. There may even come a time that you no longer actively pursue reconciliation because your energies need to be focused on others who desire peace with you. You always stand ready to forgive if the person returns, but you cut him off until that time comes. That is what the church does in excommunication.

It is important to know what forgiveness is, but it is also important to know what forgiveness is not if we are to live in genuine peace with one another and not bear undue, crushing burdens.