I Kissed Jesus Good-Bye: A Plea to Josh Harris

In a recent Instagram post, Josh Harris said good-bye to his Lord Jesus Christ. Harris is the (in)famous author of the worldwide classic, I Kissed Dating Good-Bye. He popularized the concept of courtship in his 1999 classic. The term itself, as Harris defined in his book, attempted to provide an alternative to dating methods. Dating was synonymous with “selfish pursuits of short-term romance.” Harris observed that the “joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment.” He exhorted his purity warriors that the best remedy against a chaotic world of relationships was to kiss worldly methods good-bye.

Harris tapped into an idea that ignited the purity movement at the beginning of the new century. This fire is documented in his amazon documentary I Survived “I Kissed Dating Good-Bye.” The documentary is a kind of reflective and repentant Harris overwhelmed by the series of stories and testimonies from those directly affected by the book. In one scene, Harris sits in front of a computer talking to dozens of readers of his famous book intently listening as one by one share how the book destroyed some aspect of their relational life. The movie ends in this stunning narration where men and women are seated at a table having a lovely meal in a church. Freedom and true life! The documentary establishes that men and women are made whole when their purity is found in Jesus.

The moving chronicle provides a sense of redemption for Harris who felt persecuted by an ideology developed in his young age and shared to millions of people through his best-seller.

After the book, Harris was catapulted into stardom and became the voice of reason in an overly sexualized culture that treasured cheap sex with little to no relational knowledge. He later pastored a congregation for 17 years and decided to leave that prestigious role to attend seminary in Canada. It was there that Harris was confronted by many of his peers who read his book. But now Harris was open to scrutiny. He listened and repented. He did a Ted Talk and began a tour to explain why he no longer held to the basic tenets of IKDG.

The Separation from Spouse

Then, Harris declared what no one expected. He shared with the whole world that he and his wife were separating:

We’re writing to share the news that we are separating and will continue our life together as friends. In recent years, some significant changes have taken place in both of us. It is with sincere love for one another and understanding of our unique story as a couple that we are moving forward with this decision. We hope to create a generous and supportive future for each other and for our three amazing children in the years ahead. Thank you for your understanding and for respecting our privacy during a difficult time.

Harris was truly departing from his book’s thesis not just in theory, but in practice. In one of his chapters in IKDG, Harris writes: “We see so much divorce and betrayal in our society–take a quick count how many friends come from broken homes? I believe this trend will only increase…with the practice of short-term love in dating.” Harris prophesied his own case. What was intriguing was the way the entire statement was framed. There was no explicit biblical rationale for the divorce.^a
Harris notes that their stories have taken different turns. The statement read like a Hollywood story with its romanticized language and no reference to God’s purposes for marriage. This was a stunning change for a once-famous Bible teacher and writer and now seminary-trained scholar who surely knew what the Bible teaches about divorce and how the biblical narratives shape our stories instead of our stories shaping the biblical narrative. Instead, he hoped “to create a generous and supportive future for each other.” The language appeared therapeutic and massaged to fit cultural expectations for marriage far from the robust liturgy of marriage in the Book of Common Prayer, as an example.

Was Harris transitioning to a more liberalized form of theism or was there something else happening?

The Separation from God

The frightening reality arrived when Harris delivered a final blow to his social media followers. His divorce was part of a greater narrative; one where separation from spouse implied separation and divorce from God himself. He noted:

I am learning that no group has the market cornered on grace…
The information that was left out of our announcement is that I have undergone a massive shift in regard to my faith in Jesus. The popular phrase for this is “deconstruction,” the biblical phrase is “falling away.” By all the measurements that I have for defining a Christian, I am not a Christian. Many people tell me that there is a different way to practice faith and I want to remain open to this, but I’m not there now.⁣⁣

Harris’ apology tour did not end with a more moderate view of dating or a more nuanced view of courtship, but with a radical view which led to apostasy. That’s the only word we can use. And Josh Harris, the former pastor, knew well enough to know that Christians call this a “falling away.” With the same dogmatic commitment of his late teens, now in his 40’s he asserts that he has “undergone a massive shift” concerning Jesus of Nazareth. And with remarkable lucidity, Harris connects his apostasy to his current views of sexual practices in the LGBT community. “Christians do not have a market cornered on grace,” he writes. Other forms of sexuality should speak and opine with equal dogmatism to the Christian tradition on sexuality. Harris is saddened that his orthodoxy caused so much pain to those who live against the biblical imperatives:

I regret standing against marriage equality, for not affirming you and your place in the church, and for any ways that my writing and speaking contributed to a culture of exclusion and bigotry.

Harris had Jesus but he chose the favor of the cultural priests of the day; those who call good evil and evil good. Harris chose to date the world. He did not choose to wait but to enter into a relationship with a false bride now. Harris kissed Jesus good-bye; he kissed the Son in betrayal.

As I have contemplated Harris’ journey, I have come to a few conclusions to those puzzled by these events and then I wish to appeal to Joshua Harris as a Gospel minister.

First, and this applies to Harris’ book of which there is much to commend and much to caution. The evangelical culture will grab on to anything to feel purer and more separate from the rest of the evangelical culture. The “courtship” culture with its many virtues also produce(d) some incredibly dangerous fathers. However one views this discussion, the result is an evangelical community fascinated by differentiating themselves not only with culture but from one another. And this philosophy can only provide men who outdo one another in legalism, not love; it produces fathers who impose too much on their daughters and unwittingly produce children ripe for apostasy, as we read and saw from the many testimonies.

Harris’ book provides a formulaic model that fails to provide the nuances necessary for different contexts and communities. I remain deeply skeptical about models for relationships that say too much on how to do it and allow for too little when it comes to adjustments and contextualization. The term you use matters little if it is not guided by gentle and caring leaders who are more concerned about the souls involved than following the five-step plan towards marriage. Establishing strict and unbending boundaries on relationships set the stage for disciples to break them when one thing goes awry.

Second, when you build a theological culture around a secondary or tertiary issue, you quickly lose a gigantic portion of Mere Christianity. Ministries and communities built around the Gospel of courtship or the Gospel of head-coverings or the Gospel of _____________ quickly lose themselves in the thorns and thistles of life. The Gospel of Jesus takes preeminence, not the particular flavors of our community.

Third, if you replaced Harris’ announcement of divorce with Brad and Angelina, you would never conclude there was a difference. When language like this is idealized it’s to attempt to cover the clear language of the Bible. We have strayed from the clear words of God. Sin can be a sophisticated tool sometimes. It can cover itself with fig leaves.

Finally, the message of purity is good. The message of commitment is good. The message of staying away from damaging relationships is good. The message of seeking marriage as a goal is good. But the message of seeking Jesus above all is the greatest message one can have and proclaim. Some of Harris’ original readers needed to repent of their excessive kissing and touching on their first date, or their sexual encounters on their second date, or their view of relationships in general. But to those who were genuinely hurt because they put their trust in an inflexible model, they deserve Harris’ apologies, and they do not deserve the years of guilt and shame for sins they’ve repented of in the past.

An Appeal to Josh Harris

If Harris were to ever read these words, I would appeal to him to reconsider his whole journey. Josh, you can’t bid Jesus good-bye because Jesus can’t be set aside for your preferred social cause. Jesus is Lord of relationships and marriage and Lord of your life. If you forsake him altogether you will surely die. All your efforts into proclaiming Jesus in the past will come back to prophetically bite you now and forever. My prayer for you is that you would listen to other voices around you and not just the voices who seek to “liberate” you from your organized religion or supposed bigotry. I pray your massive paradigm shift is merely a season of confusion as you process this immense notoriety and controversy you’ve been dealing with all these years. I pray your children will not be led into confusion because of your decision but greater clarity as they grow. Come back to that table scene in your documentary; come back to the Table of Jesus where he gives himself for you and your public errors and your moral confusion. At that table, there is no kissing good-bye, but only the perpetual kiss of peace.

1. Biblical divorce, in my estimation, can occur in cases of adultery, abandonment, and abuse  (back)