“Just tell me what to do!” Pastors and counselors sometimes hear these words from people in difficult situations. Whether they have gotten themselves into the situations through unwise decisions or suffering from someone else’s sin against them, they want answers. They want to know how to alleviate the painful consequences. Unfortunately, many people are looking for a silver bullet in the form of a simple formula or for the pastor or counselor to tell them exactly what to do. Telling them occasionally that you will not give them a rule or a command and expect them to follow orders strictly frustrates them. You may even be labeled as “unloving.” Sometimes, the person may be given principles and guidance with options, but that person must wrestle through the issue and make his own decisions.
When people are in trouble, they tend to revert to authoritarianism. It is simple. Follow the rules. Obey commands. Treat the world as an impersonal machine that operates by formulaic cause-and-effect. Expect everything to be fixed without time and work. People like authoritarianism at times because it alleviates personal responsibility. If I check everything off the list and “it doesn’t work,” it is your fault.
This is childish and, quite frankly, lazy. It is wanting to ride a bicycle without going through the steps of learning how to balance and messing up along the way. If you are going to learn to ride, there will be some falling and skinned knees. If you are to mature as God expects, there will be difficulties to work through on your own; you may be encouraged by others, but no one can fix it with a rule or a command.
Philemon faces a challenging situation with his runaway slave, Onesimus, who has been sent back to him by Paul. Onesimus has repented of his sin, but his fate remains uncertain. As a runaway slave under Roman law, Philemon could have him beaten, thrown to the beasts in the arena, or crucified. As an apostle, Paul could have commanded Philemon to receive him back, but he didn’t. He appealed to Philemon instead of pulling rank. Philemon’s character of love and faithfulness has been proven over time (Philemon 4-7). Paul is not working with an immature believer. He won’t “just tell him what to do.” His goal is not to control Philemon to keep him in line temporarily (and it would be temporary if he only obeyed a bald command). Paul’s goal is for Philemon to mature, embrace the gospel of reconciliation from the heart, and forgive Onesimus as Christ has forgiven him.
The goal of leadership, especially in the church, is not to control people so that all they learn to do is follow orders. The goal is for them to mature so that they cultivate the right loves and skills, grow to be healthily independent, love God’s standards, think biblically, and own the gospel mission. This is not accomplished merely by handing down orders. You must make decisions guided by the wisdom of Scripture given in counsel. As you wrestle with God and work through the issues, it is in this time and space that you discover what you truly love and desire to be. No one can “just tell you that.” That is something that must be revealed by the decisions you make.
