Young Men,
It has been a little while since my last letter. Some other projects needed attention.
In dealing with issues of masculinity, I have written to you concerning the state of masculinity in our culture, the man and his mission, as well as how to develop your mission. This letter fits hand-in-glove with the previous two. It is inseparable and, indeed, integral to your mission: frame. It is impossible to complete your mission without frame, and it is impossible to have frame and not have a mission. Frame is a concept used in the field of psychology. The manosphere men didn’t invent it, but they have fruitfully explored it in how it relates to masculinity and, more specifically, intersexual dynamics.
Frame deals basically with who determines context. The one who controls the frame drives the relationship. Frame is not limited to the activity of mission (that is, what you do). Frame is your mental and emotional ability, strength, and fortitude to maintain your mission in the face of all challenges. Frame is that purpose, confidence, and strength that keeps you from capitulating to someone else’s agenda, that is willing to let relationships go that don’t complement your mission; whether that be friends, girlfriends, extended family, or, even in some extreme cases, your wife. (This only happens with your wife when there has been a covenantal breach and, therefore, the relationship needs to be broken.)
Frame is about control, but that doesn’t equal “domineering” or “tyrannical.” As I wrote about with mission, frame is about who is oriented to whom. God created the man to set the frame and for the woman to come into his frame. Determining frame is simply being a man.
Frame is always being determined by someone. Someone is determining the mission, the emotional and psychological context; someone’s frame is driving the decision-making, the way communication takes place, and how disputes are settled. As I mentioned previously, in our present milieu (that’s a good word for you to learn!) and zeitgeist (there’s another one to learn!), it is popular for women to control frame. That is, her imperatives set the agenda. Her way of communicating and responding to situations are the ways that men are judged as being a “good man” or a “bad man.”
Some women, for instance, say that they want a “sensitive man who vulnerably shares his feelings, opening up to her, not afraid of exposing his weaknesses.” When men submit to that frame, when they enter her frame, they are emasculated. They become the woman’s girlfriend, not the man she needs. She really believes she wants this, but then she finds that she doesn’t respect him because the weakness she wanted him to expose becomes repulsive to her because now she can’t feel safe with this man. She dominates him.
If and when this happens in a marriage, as I’ve mentioned before, sex will dry up and her desires—even though her Christian faith might restrain her—will be to be with a dominant man; an alpha male. There is a reason that women are the greatest consumers of violent porn (rape, gang rape, torture, humiliation, etc.) Men aren’t reading Fifty Shades of Grey! The author of the study in the above link says, “Porn featuring violence against women is also extremely popular among women,” said the author. “It is far more popular among women than men. I hate saying that because misogynists seem to love this fact,” he added. “Fantasy life isn’t always politically correct.” Women desire men to be in control, for a man to set the frame. God made them desire strong male leadership whether they consciously acknowledge it or not. (Of course, the porn example is a sinful distortion of this, but it is distorting something righteous: the desire for men to be dominant. They are searching through moral dumpsters to try to satisfy a God-given desire.)
Someone is controlling the frame. This is non-optional. It just is. You are either setting the frame or submitting to someone else’s frame. As a man, you have the responsibility, not only to recognize who is setting the frame, but to set the frame. There are times, of course, that your frame is determined by others to some extent. This is a matter of submitting to authority. But even then, that has to be set within the larger frame of your relationship with God and your mission in his kingdom and whether or not or how this authoritative relationship fits.
The primary purpose of these letters is for instruction in intersexual dynamics. In your relationship with a woman, you must learn to be the frame-setter. As you were growing up, this expressed itself in your relationship with your mother. Somewhere between ten and twelve and then continuing through your teenage years, your relationship with your mother changed. You loved her the entire time, but you wanted independence from her. While you still had some time to learn and needed to be submissive to your mother, you were wanting to set your frame; to establish your purpose and mission; to create and organize your world, your part of creation. Because God created you to eventually lead a woman, you had the desire not to be ruled by your mother, who is, of course, a woman. You needed to learn how to honor your mother in those times but tear away from that mothering relationship so that you could actually set the frame for a woman. You couldn’t do that in your parents’ home and, specifically, with your mother, because that was your father’s responsibility. What I’m describing here is not a bad thing or sinful thing. It is part of maturing as a man. God created you to set the frame for a woman, to have her invested in you and your mission physically and emotionally. That’s not proper for a mother-son relationship. It is only proper for a husband-wife relationship.
One problem that you might have faced in your mother-son relationship and the developing of frame is that your father wasn’t there. Sons being reared by single mothers is an ever-increasing problem in the West. There are many long-term problems with children reared in fatherless homes, but I am focused on young men developing frame. The relationship with your mother becomes a little confusing. She can never be a father, but in the absence of a father, she is the only authority and role model. She sets the frame of the relationship (which, by necessity, she must do). However, in the absence of a husband, as a young man grows older, her inclination is to look to male leadership and protection, which may be transferred to her son. She has to maintain her authority but she begins looking to her son, putting him in the awkward position of being a son and a surrogate husband of sorts. The son is confused (even though he has learned to live with it in a practically unconscious way. This is just life; the way things are.) Consequently, the son grows up not only not knowing how to break free in a healthy manner from the mother-son relationship, but he is also conditioned for the women in his life to set the frame.
I was the son of a single mother for several of my young, formative years. Thankfully, I had a grandfather who was a godly, manly man who helped me. If you are the son of a single mother, no matter how great she is (and many of them are great and do the best they can with the hand that they have been dealt), she is not nor ever can be a father to you. You need a godly man as a mentor who will show you by example what it means to set the frame for a woman. Search and seek to develop a relationship with such a man.
Just as a side note, this is one reason that the Joe Rogan’s of the world and all the men in the manosphere have become so popular. They exude masculinity, and even though it is twisted at many points, young men are magnetically drawn to them because they haven’t had masculine men in their lives.
Back to establishing and maintaining frame. Establishing frame in your relationship begins in the dating/courtship and continues throughout your married life. She is always to live within your frame. Again, this is not tyrannical, domineering machismo that beats a woman physically or emotionally. That kind of control, in fact, means that you don’t have frame. Good frame begins with you being confident in who you are and your mission so that you aren’t threatened by challenges, rejections, or loss. This is not to say that you would not grieve loss or rejection, but it is to say that you are so confident about who you are and your mission that loss and rejection do not so disturb you so that you must frantically or abusively seek to regain control. If people want to join you in your mission, great. If they don’t, then you don’t need them. That is living within frame. That’s what Jesus did.
Frame such as this is one of the primary ways you love and serve your wife. She needs to know that you are going to maintain frame so that she can feel secure. Think of frame in terms of a wall around a garden. It provides a protected place that provides your wife a place to flourish. But here is the deal: she is going to test your frame; sometimes consciously and sometimes subconsciously. Women want to know if you have your stuff together, so they test your masculinity. This where lots of men back down, capitulate, and give her what she says she wants … only to discover that she is now more frustrated and discontent. The man who doesn’t recognize these tests, who doesn’t understand proper frame, interprets this as a challenge to a fight, a questioning of his masculinity (which it actually is), and possibly a lack of respect. He can become angry and fight back or curl up the fetal position and take his beating thinking that he really deserves this. Feminism, after all, has taught our culture that he really does deserve this, so he takes his punishment like a “good man.” The entire feminist movement is, in fact, a test for men … one that American men have failed miserably.
These tests began because of what happened in the Garden. God called Adam to guard his wife. The serpent came in and deceived the woman while Adam was standing right there. Adam failed to protect her and, thus, he became serpent-like, willing to devour or see her devoured. From that time forward, women have always wondered whether the men in their lives were serpent-like or true men (that is, faithful to what God called them to be). So now they test men to validate their masculinity. “Are you going to be the man to protect me, to set the frame, to be my emotional rock, or turn me over to serpents?”
Because setting frame is your responsibility throughout life, these tests will come throughout your relationships. As I said, sometimes they are conscious. The woman says, “Let me say this to see how he responds.” “I’m going to ask him for this just to see if he will tell me, ‘No.'” Sometimes in marriage, it is denying sex with some lame excuse to see if you will beg her for it. You may even be called upon to ask for forgiveness even when you did nothing wrong (something you should never do just to end a disagreement!). Sometimes it is more subconscious when situations become frantic and her emotions are getting the best of her and she lashes out. At that point, she is not necessarily consciously thinking, “I’m testing him,” but she is saying, “What are you going to do to provide me security? Are you a man or not?” She is calling you to “Man up.”
Understanding frame at these points is vital to your relationship. She needs to know that you are in control. That is the need of a woman who is in a relationship with a man. When she tests you, whether consciously or subconsciously, you need to maintain emotional frame. You’ve got to be the rock in the midst of her tumultuous emotional waves; not necessarily telling her “Calm down,” but being strong, unfrazzled, and steady. If you are anxious in those times, talk to another man later, but serve your wife by being a rock. There may be times as well when she becomes overly anxious and somewhat out of control even when you are being steady. During those times, when you have proved to her that you love her, you can say to her, “That’s enough.” You can put your foot down, calmly but firmly. The women in our lives who already desire to be godly, wanting to be respectful, knowing that you love her, will obey because she knows you are looking out for her good.
Maintaining frame means that you need to be the decision-maker. This doesn’t mean that you don’t consult with your Lady Wisdom. It would be foolish not to do so. Neither does it mean that you have to do all the detail work in making decisions. You can rely on your wife to work out details and be honest with you. When you have a good wife, your heart can safely trust in her. But you need to be the one who makes the final decision so that she knows you are responsible and you won’t push it back on her in the future, throwing her under the bus … or to the serpent.
Some women are rebellious and won’t be satisfied with anything. But women who are godly and want to mature as godly women will respond well to you. And when she feels safe with you and respects you, she will desire you.
A woman will tolerate and forgive a man who is, at times, a strong … let’s just say … incorrigible man. But being a weak, spineless man, a man who can’t maintain his frame, is unforgivable. She has no way to know that you will protect her when push comes to shove. At least the incorrigible man is brave enough to stand up for himself and for her if it comes to it.
What is involved in developing frame is the same as what is involved in developing mission. You have to develop confidence in who you are and your abilities. You develop competence in what you are doing. You learn how to control yourself and your emotions (self-control). You know who you are, your purpose, your place before God, and in the world. You make decisions and you stick by them, willing to accept the consequences, good or bad, for them.
Develop and maintain frame. In other words, be a man.
For Christ’s Kingdom,
Pastor Smith
