“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born of adversity.”
~Proverbs 17.17
“Friends” aren’t difficult to find in our modern world. Say something spicy online or reveal yourself inappropriately, and people will flock to you, “friending” or following you. If you are extremely popular, you will have no lack of sycophants who believe everything you post is “fire” and will dote all over you, trying to get your attention and share in your perceived or real power. Finding good friends, those who genuinely know you and not only your online presence, who will be loyal to you in good times and bad, who will make sustained efforts to maintain a close friendship, and who will call you out when you’re stupid despite your fame, those types of friends are rare jewels. They are difficult to find but priceless.
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born of adversity” (Pr 17.17). As Solomon wrote this, “at all times” stands at the beginning of the sentence to emphasize the unshakeable loyalty of genuine, close friends. “All times” means precisely that: all times. These are good times and bad times, times when you are up and times when you are down, times when you are pleasant and times when you are unpleasant, times when you have an abundance to give and times when you have nothing to offer, times when you are well and times when you are ill. A friend loves you in all these times. He is loyal.
Loyalty is a rich word encompassing attitudes, affections, and actions. Loyalty is a deep devotion or allegiance, a commitment to another person, or even a cause. The loyal man is willing to give his time, effort, financial resources, and even his life for his friends because of his love for them. His love is not superficial, only using you to get what he can and dispose of you when he has extracted all he believes is useful. His love goes down to the bone … or better yet, the heart. The heart of a good friend is knit to your heart, his soul to your soul (see 1Sam 18.1). What happens to you happens to him. When you rejoice, he experiences your joy as if it happened to him directly. When you weep, he experiences your grief as if it happened to him directly. Whatever happens to you happens to him. He can’t dispose of you like a used-up milk carton. To forsake you would be a form of suicide.
Loyalty is vital to have and sustain healthy friendships, and that loyalty must be mutual. Loyalty is (or should be) rooted in trust, and you should only trust someone who has proven himself trustworthy. When a man has a trustworthy or faithful character, he removes the anxiety that says, “I don’t know whether or not this person cares for me or if I am a convenience for the time until he can find some better option.” Loyalty allows us to be free in one another’s presence, entrusting ourselves to one another knowing that you will not reject me.
Friendships, especially close friendships, are a trust given to you to guard, a responsibility you have for the other person and the other person has for you. When each is faithful to his responsibility, guarding his trust, then the relationship grows. When one or both are unfaithful in their guard duty, becoming untrustworthy, they will damage or destroy the relationship. When betrayed or abandoned by someone we trusted, the hurt is more profound than words can express. When each of you faithfully guards the trust, there is little that is more satisfying.
Loyalty is tested and grows in the furnace of affliction. The last phrase in Proverbs 17.17 can be understood as brotherhood being born in times of adversity. “Brother” might be speaking of blood kin, but I believe this proverb parallels it with the friend who becomes a brother.
Friendships are forged in fire. When you must depend upon another and the other must depend upon you, a bond is created because you have proven that your love is a genuine commitment, not a fleeting infatuation. Because you are someone on whom I can depend, I can commit more of myself to you. As trust grows, the roots of the bond dig deeper. These are the soldiers, the band of brothers, whose bonds deepen in war because of their mutual dependence, knowing that all they have is one another. These are the women who are there for one another when they go through pain and suffering. The fires purify and strengthen the bond of friendship.
Fires will also reveal the lack of loyalty. If someone is not genuinely committed to you in friendship, the adversity will break your bond.
If your desire good friends, you must first develop yourself into the friend you want. Be the man or woman who is consistent, faithful, and trustworthy in good times and bad, who is not tossed here and there, who swears to his own hurt (Ps 15.4), fulfilling commitments whether it is convenient or not. Others who share this character will recognize it in you and be attracted to it.
