The goal of forgiveness is peace, the reconciliation of a relationship in some form, removing the enmity between two people, and having a healthy relationship in this new situation. Reconciliation post forgiveness may not restore the relationship to what it was before the sin occurred, but there can be genuine peace between the offender and the offended.
Offenses will continue to occur as long as we live in this mortal flesh. Consequently, forgiveness will always be a craft we must work at to pursue peace. However, pursuing peace is not limited to our actions after someone has sinned against us or we have sinned against someone else. We are taught to sing in Psalm 34 to “seek peace and pursue it,” a command echoed by Peter (1Pt 3.11) and Paul (Rom 14.19). As much as lies within us, we are to maintain peace in relationships by pursuing those things that make for peace.
In the last article, I mentioned that those who pursue peace, peacemakers, are those who allow and appreciate the differences of others. Peacemakers are also humble, putting others’ genuine needs above personal comforts. There are several more characteristics of peacemakers.
A peacemaker seeks to cover or overlook as many of the sins of others as possible, absorbing the cost himself as much as possible.
“The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, And his glory is to overlook a transgression” (Prov 19.11). Not every wrong done to us is an offense worth confronting. Some things can be overlooked. This doesn’t mean passively stewing over something, refusing to say anything about it even though it continues to be a wall between you and the other person. This is the refusal to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into bitterness.
This can’t be done with every offense. If the offense has caused a noticeable, ongoing breach between you, it must be dealt with. If the offense is causing serious harm to God’s reputation, to others, or to the offender himself, then it must be dealt with. But not every little thing done wrong is worthy of confrontation. What if our all-knowing God did that to you? What if he confronted you over every sinful thought, word, deed, and affection that he knows about all at once? He would bury you.
But if you want to be a peace-breaker, then insist on some sort of payment of every little sin that anyone commits against you. Everything is a hill to die on. Everything is always at stake.
In order to pursue peace, there are times it is appropriate and healthy to cover offenses. Be discerning.
A peacemaker asks for forgiveness and provides restitution without having it forced on him.
When you know you have offended or done something wrong, get out ahead of it and pursue restitution and reconciliation before anyone has to confront you. If you broke something you borrowed, replace it (Ex 22.14-15). If you know your brother has an offense against you, go to him quickly (Mt 5.23-24). Own what you have done so that you don’t put others in a position to have to confront you.
If you want to be a peace-breaker, then hide your sin by ignoring it, being stubborn, or excusing it until it can’t be avoided any longer. The tension will grow and relationships may be irreparably damaged because of your refusal to own your responsibility.
A peacemaker refuses to pay back wrong for wrong but returns good for evil.
Peter and Paul both exhort us not to return cursing for cursing but return a blessing instead (1Pt 3; Rom 12). Returning good for evil may be something as private as praying for God’s mercy for the other person. It may mean returning a non-sarcastic compliment for an insult. What you are aiming at is cutting off a quarrel before it descends into a much bigger matter that will make peace more difficult (cf. Prov 17.14).
If you want to be a peace-breaker, always seek to get even. Be more concerned about showing your dominant wit and protecting your pride than about maintaining peace.
A peacemaker speaks words that minister grace to hearers, building them up instead of unnecessarily tearing them down.
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Eph 4.29). There are times that edifying words will cut your brother, but they do so for his healing (cf. Prov 27.6). The goal is building up of the other and increasing the joy of peace. There are occasions in which you should go out of your way to give a word of praise, encouragement, or simple kindness when there is no prodding to do so.
A peace-breaker will tear others down with words unnecessarily in order to exalt himself. Gossip (saying behind another’s back what you would never say to his face), out-right lies, cruel words, condescending words, or even correcting people in front of a crowd just to show your intelligence can all contribute to peace-breaking.
A peacemaker is one who learns how to be submissive to others.
Paul exhorts us to be submissive to one another (Eph 5.21). We are to show deference to others’ gifts, abilities, authority, or general callings in life. Being submissive in this way doesn’t destroy authority structures (e.g., husbands as heads of wives, children obedient to parents, etc.), but it does recognize where God has called and gifted others and frees them to operate in those gifts and callings.
A peace-breaker must control everyone. He can’t appreciate the authority of others. He can’t free others to operate in their gifts and callings even if they are under his authority because everything must be done exactly his way. Peace-breakers domineer and tyrannize others, trying to hold relationships together with fear and intimidation. The relationships may stay together to a certain degree, but this isn’t biblical peace.
A peacemaker keeps his commitments.
He is trustworthy or faithful. He follows through with his commitment even if it is to his own hurt (cf. Ps 15). He doesn’t ditch one commitment when something better comes along. In doing so, he builds respect, admiration, and trust between himself and others.
A peace-breaker, however, neglects his commitments. Being in a relationship with him is painful; like a broken tooth or a foot out of joint (Prov 25.19). He destroys trust, one piece of the foundation of any relationship, creating distance between himself and others.
A peacemaker is one who is quick to hear and slow to speak.
He is disciplined so that he concentrates and genuinely hears what the other person is saying. He does this because he is humble and truly cares about the other person. This discipline clarifies situations so that misunderstandings are less likely to happen.
A peace-breaker is one who speaks quickly and often. He doesn’t care about what the other person is saying, only what he wants to say. He interrupts and talks way too much. This lack of discipline builds walls between him and others. Who wants to be around a pompous windbag who cares for no one but himself?
A peacemaker is one who shows hospitality.
Pursuing peace means pursuing relationships, being friendly, and welcoming others. He doesn’t wait for others to take the initiative. He pursues peace by pursuing hospitality.
A peace-breaker is one who is closed in on himself and his own. He cuts others off, comes across as unfriendly, and might be perceived as someone who is better than others, not wanting to be “corrupted” by those below him.
Pursuing peace is not merely a nice addition to my life but generally non-essential. God doesn’t command non-essential activities. We pursue peace because we are re-created in his image to reflect the relationships of peace between Father, Son, and Spirit. If we are to be truly human–the faithful image of God–then we must pursue peace.
