Dear Young Man,
In my first letter, I talked to you about the state of masculinity in our culture; what you are facing and will have to face in the future. It’s bad out there, and you face many challenges. However, as we will see as we proceed through these letters, challenges should be right up your alley. The purpose of these letters is not merely to curse the darkness, but to give you light by which to walk as men. Consequently, in this second letter, I begin focusing positively on what it means to be a man.
First and foremost, man is created a worshiper. As the image of God, man is created to reflect and participate in the family life of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. We are to join in the family conversation—prayer—talking to one another about needs, praising one another for good works, asking for forgiveness where we have sinned (us, not God, of course), eating with one another (the Supper), talking about the situations in our families, churches, nations, and the world, and suggesting things that might be done about it. We are to listen to our God, the one who created us, redeemed us, and defines who we are and what we are to do in this world. We are to respond in allegiance to him, loving him with all of our being and joyfully obeying what he commands. You are created, first and foremost, as a worshiper.
However, being a worshiper is not distinctive to maleness. Worshiper is the moniker for both males and females. You are to be a worshiper, but you are created specifically to worship as a man. All of these general principles are true about men and women, but our worship, while taking on the same ritual expressions many times, is different. Worship doesn’t make us androgynous beings. Our worship involves our maleness and femaleness.
This truth can be seen in a number of ways. First, God cares about the sex of those who lead worship. It is quite clear in Scripture that men are the liturgical leaders (cf. e.g., 1Tim 2; 1Cor 14). Second, God made distinctions in representations with animals that were brought for offering before him. As representative of humans, some had to be male and others female depending on the offering. Third, because God created men and women with different missions in the world, and the fruit of what we do in completing those missions is brought to God in worship, God expects us to come before him as males and females to worship him. God made the sexes and expects each to fulfill what he has given him or her to do to present before him to be judged.
Because of this, we can’t simply leave manhood in the vague language or broad category of “worship.” In fact, when we do this, especially in our time, as I mentioned in my first letter, the default expression of piety in worship in our culture is the feminine. This is what “authentic worship” looks like. This is how both men and women are supposed to approach God because there is “neither male nor female in Christ Jesus” (Gal 3.28). (That verse, by the way, doesn’t obliterate sexes or the fact that we still approach God as male and female. It is simply talking about the fact that we both have access to God the Father in Christ Jesus. Paul, the apostle who wrote Galatians 3.28, is pretty big on the male-female distinctions in worship (cf. e.g., 1Cor 11).)
Your life as a worshiper of God is as a man. I will be breaking this down in future letters, but I will start by telling you God has given you a specific mission as a man.
The way God created man and woman and the order in which he created man and woman tell us a great deal about this mission. Paul makes a big deal about these details of creation in places such as 1Corinthians 11 and 1Timothy 2. So, there is a reason that God didn’t make both man and woman at one time and out of the same stuff. Man is created from the dirt of the ground, and his orientation is toward the development of the world; cultivating the ground, building cities, and developing cultures. The woman is created from the side of the man, and her mission is oriented toward the man and his mission. She is made for the man. The man is not made for the woman (1Cor 11.9).
The fact that the woman is to be centered upon the man’s mission, that she is created for the man to complement his mission and help him, is also revealed in the naming of man by God. Genesis 1.27 says, “God created man [“Adam”] in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” Male + female = “Adam.” The naming of something or someone in Scripture is not just a label to distinguish it from something else. The name tells you the mission. Jesus is named Jesus because “he will save his people from their sins” (Mt 1.21). The man and the woman are named “Man/Adam” because they both have the man’s mission. The woman takes his name because she takes on his mission. As one pastor pointed out to me, our English word “submission” fits this perfectly: the woman comes under the mission of the husband. This is why, historically, especially in the Christian West, women have taken the names of their husbands, something not true, for example, in atheistic China where many women retain the names of their fathers.
So, before God created the woman (remember, the order of creation is important), God gave the man his mission: guard and work the garden. Eventually, the woman would become a part of that garden, but she is not the totality of that garden or the world he was to develop. The woman is part of man’s mission, but she is not the totality of his mission.
Some women believe they should be the focus of the man’s life, but they find that when they get what they think they want—for him to revolve his life around her—she becomes frustrated and begins to resent him. She doesn’t know why “because he gives her everything she wants.” (The man doesn’t understand this at the time either for the same reason.) He has stopped pursuing his broader mission and has, essentially, become a woman: focused solely on the home. Both the man and the woman then become frustrated and don’t understand why. The reason is that this is not the mission for which the man was made. And when he’s not fulfilling his mission, she can’t fulfill hers, which is to be in sub-mission to her man; that is, oriented toward him and his mission.
This is why the phenomenon of the stay-at-home-husband/dad and bread-winning wife/mother turns out to be absolutely disastrous for marriages. This isn’t to say that women can’t work for an income outside the home, but even this needs to fit with his mission so that, as Proverbs 31 says, her husband is praised in the gates because of her. If she starts out-earning her husband, there is a great chance for her to become more of a mother to him, lose respect for him, and, consequently, he will be emasculated. Suzanne Venker, a non-Christian marriage coach and podcaster, points out studies such as this one regularly that speak about this phenomenon. When men earn more money than women, we tend to see it as an act of service and gift to our wives. When women earn more than their husbands, women tend to see money as a means of control. (There are a number of reasons for this that I will talk about more in the next letter concerning hypergamy. Be patient.) This situation normally winds up with the husband committing adultery and the career wife being very angry and discontent. God didn’t make us to be oriented in these ways as males and females. (Note: there are always exceptions in which the husband is disabled and the wife has to be the bread-winner. Even in these exceptional cases, the psychological effects are the same even though it must be worked through. However, I am talking about what normal, unexceptional situations.)
Even having parallel career paths as husband and wife so that each is oriented toward the world outside the home in the same way is a distortion of the created order. The husband and wife become roommates with, what turns out to be, occasional sex, no sex, or looking to other sources for sex. The woman is not driven for sex in the same way the man is, and if she is not focused on the relationship with her husband but rather a career, she will not want to have sex with him. If she is a Christian woman and knows it is her duty to have sex (and it is; cf. 1Cor 7.1ff.), she will be available to him, but it will be “duty-sex,” empty of desire, which, in turn, makes her husband feel undesired and, therefore, kills his drive to have sex with her; not his desire for sex, mind you, but his desire to have sex with his wife. For the man, however, his testosterone-filled body drives him to conquer the world and have a sexual relationship. His orientation toward the world doesn’t remove his drive for sexual intimacy. Feeling fulfilled and purposeful, knowing that he has been working to accomplish his mission, in part, for his wife, generates more desire for her. She, responding to his mission, respects him and desires him. When we are both oriented the right ways, the marriage relationship is beautiful.
Having a mission is having your purpose and calling as that which dictates all of your relationships, including and especially with a woman. You know who you are. You know what you want to do. If a woman doesn’t buy into that and is not willing to join you, then you need to pass her by. You are a man with a mission and need a helper. Of course, if you are already married, some work may have to be done in this area if that wasn’t clear from the beginning, but you, as a man, need to know your mission. You need to know where you are headed in life, and the woman you choose to be your wife needs to help and complement that. She is not the driver of the mission. You are. That is your responsibility. Yes, you talk about these things. Yes, you listen to her counsel. But you are the one who determines the mission and gives your wife and home focus. Everything in your household revolves around your mission. This creates a stable home and aids in reducing the anxiety of your wife. She is not created to set the mission for the home and, consequently, her anxiety levels increase if she has a mission-less husband. This, in turn, again, leads to frustration in the marriage.
This has nothing to do with a woman’s strength. She can be a strong woman. This has to do with what she was made for. A track-hoe is strong, but if it is at the bottom of a lake, it is not operating in the environment for which it was created and will malfunction. Feminine strength must operate within its proper environment and toward its purpose to be truly effective.
On the surface, it can sound quite selfish to say that your wife’s life needs to revolve around you and your mission. “This is not ‘servant leadership.’ This is only caring about yourself and what you want to do.” That’s what many Christian men hear in our churches. Our ears have been tuned by the gynocentric thinking in which women are to be pedestaled and become the focus of our lives as men. Men are not simply to adjust their lives, they are to reorient their lives around what the woman desires. The reality is that having a mission and having her join you in your mission is the way you serve your wife. Jesus served his bride by having a mission from which he would not be deterred though even his closest disciples tried. Because the Father had given him a mission, he knew that was the way to be the servant leader to the church. This is how you love your wife.
Think of it in other terms. Let’s go to an extreme. Let’s say you tell your wife, “I’m giving up everything for you. I’m quitting my job, and I will be a stay-at-home dad and shower you with affection all the time.” Is that service? No. That is abdication of your responsibility. It is abdication of your mission. You are called to take dominion of the world for the glory of God and the advancement of his kingdom, and within that mission is the provision for your wife and children. No matter how some might think that this is so romantic and empowering for women, it is not truly loving your wife.
Think of it also in terms of taking care of your health. Are you being selfish when you eat right and exercise? Are you serving yourself? Well, yes, in some ways, but you keeping up your health is serving her and your children as well. It is like the instruction you get on the plane before you take off: “In case of an emergency, if the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling, put the oxygen mask on yourself before you try to help others.” Why? Because if you’re not alive, you can’t help anybody. There is self-interest that is not self-absorbed. Jesus desired to be glorified by the Father so that he might, in turn, glorify the Father and save his people through his glorification (see Jn 17). That is proper self-interest.
This kind of self-interest guided by your God-given mission is serving your wife (or future wife). As much as there may be times she will kick and snort about not getting enough attention (and there are times when we can be neglectful in this area, forgetting that she is, indeed, part of the mission), she wants a husband with a purpose; who knows who he is and what he wants to do; who doesn’t just exist.
You have decisions to make now that will determine much for your future life, whether you are single looking to be married or married looking to improve your marriage. If you’re single, you need to start thinking about and pursuing a specific mission. You don’t need to be sitting around playing video games in every spare moment and/or watching porn, just floating around until you are in your mid to late twenties wondering what you are going to do with your life. Start developing disciplines now. Start thinking about direction for your life and where you want to develop the creation. If you are married but remain somewhat mission-less or have made marriage itself your mission, start thinking about how you need to be oriented toward the world. Who are you? Where are you headed? How are you training daily to get to where you want to be?
Situations will change along the way as far as jobs, places you live, and things as such. But you always need to know who you are and God’s purpose for you in this world. That includes your “job,” your source of income, but it is bigger than that. If you are confident in who you are and God’s mission in his kingdom, your wife or future wife will find security and purpose in that mission and will willingly hang with you through the toughest of times and all the transitions of life.
Have a mission. Develop your mission. Own your mission. Train for your mission. Live out your mission.
For Christ’s kingdom,
Pastor Smith
